How do you just leave a family and never look back? How do you live with little children and never really connect with them? Never love anyone that loved you so deeply? How do you be so fucking selfish?
Some know, some dont. Our home has gone through a very dramatic change over the last 7 months. 7 months ago nearly to the day, we took on the enormous life change - We would take in my youngest maternally linked sibling - My sister Ruby. All changes have growing pains. We had to learn to "parent" and "guide" a teenager. Not just a happy well rounded teen - but a young woman that needed so much.
As I look back over the last 7 months, I begin to question if I was ever right to take her into our home. What an adjustment for her - Rules. A Family. Someone that WOULD care when she was hurting. Someone that loved her, in all her stages. Her opinion of the last 7 months is so very different from my own.
Thursday June 25th, I feel like I failed more than I ever had before. I had failed at creating a home for her, I had failed at creating a place she would want to stay. Throughout the 7 months, I made our position clear - she was free to find a new home, but we wanted her to stay, to be a part of our family, and to learn to be a family member here. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I was wrong in allowing her to be in control.
Either way, I royalled fucked it up. In the end, she didnt love any of us, she hadn't connected, she hadn't cared at all. She packed, She left. She wont be back. I'm not even sure I would want her to come back knowing that she hates us all, she never wanted to be here with us, and that she feels that running is her answer to life.
So much goes around and around in my head. Its easier to be mad for me. Its an emotion that is "comfortable" I can be mad easily. When I'm mad, I clean, cook, go running, pull weeds, all that dumb shit. I keep my adeneline up because I'm mad and I get shit done. How does someone act when they are fucking broken? I mean, really devestated and at a loss for even the words to describe what they feel?
Hell if I know. Lets see - Thursday, I spent all of Thursday nearly wanting to die. I had failed, no matter how hard I tried to get her to become a part of our family, it was in vain. Nothing worked. Its like trying to force a alcoholic to stop drinking. She has to WANT the family first. Countless nights I stayed up chatting with her, watching tv together, or crocheting things together. Talking about projects, life, guys, her friends, my friends, all of it. Down the fucking toilet. So, I cried so hard Thursday, literally all day, that I nearly hurt myself. I began severe cramping and spotting. I cried all night, and woke up with a swollen face, a severe head ache, and a serious numbness that vaguely hurt if I thought about it for even a slight moment.
Friday. Ah yes.... swollen eyes - check. killer head ache - check. cramping - check. spotting - gone. postive test, thankfully. Packing. I mean, mad dash. I was going camping damnit, and I didnt fucking care who would be there, who wouldnt, I needed OUT of the fucking house. I packed up all the camping gear, and I left. I was out of the house by 2 pm! Considering I wasnt even awake until 10 am, I am amazed.
Free. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I was free. I wasnt at home, I didnt have things around the house - reminders of what wasn't real anymore. Then the slices - one after another as our friends asked where our teen was. Little did they know, she was police escorted from my home. Because she chose to leave. She hated us all and wanted to never see us again.
I mean, thats not exactly happy campfire tales aye? So, I shrugged it off, said very little. None of them close enough to really notice what I'm sure was the severe pain in my eyes at the mention of her. Or the fact that I quickly walked away if she was mentioned. I'm sure no one noticed.
Saturday. Damon. Oh dear damon. Thank you so much for arriving at our camp site. Friday night, alone, with the two babies was freeing and dooming all at once.
Sunday, What do you mean I have to go home? Oh eff. I have to go home. Home. As I drove I began thinking again - what a dangerous thing. Luckily, I was so stinkin tired that it didnt cross my mind when I arrived at home. Diapers to wash, sleeping bags to wash, laundry, dishes, food to put away, kids to adjust to home agian, etc.
Monday morning, exhausted. Fight with mother. About how essentially it is ALL my fault that Ruby left our house, that I am the fucking devil and that I ruin everything. Thank you mother. Seriously, Thanks. I NEEDED THAT. Because you did SO much better, Ruby had STDs 3 times living with you, stolen cars, DUI's at 13, Juvi, running away, stealing, dropping out of school - YES, you did MUCH better.
Monday afternoon, The dept of Health & Welfare - social services arrives at my house. I called them, I expected them. I'm glad they came. I explained that Ruby was escorted from my home via Ada County Sheriffs on Thursday, and I told them where she could found. They asked me about her mental, physical, and emotional well being.
What do you say about a teenager that hates you so violently that she felt the need to leave instantly? What do you say about the hurt that follows. I mean - seriously. I held it together. I dont think anyone really gets it yet. I dont think anyone understands that I'm hurt.
Damons logical. He worries about me, and is of course, angry as hell that she left. I think I get why he's angry. All Rubys life, people are inconsistent. They leave, the get rid of her, they allow her to live a life that is unsafe. He was furious that we couldnt make her stay. That we couldnt reach out to her and get her to stick out her choices in life. We couldnt, didnt, and cant unring this bell.
Deep down, I think he's furious at me too. I failed somehow.
Today was better somehow. I still cant think about it too long without sobbing. Luckily, no one is around and I can blog and sob in some peace.
I'm sure many many blogs will come from this topic. So much pain, anger, loss, and simple angony that will follow as I heal this wound.
I dont want to talk about it. I am not ready. I'm not ready to openly cry, I'm not ready to have anyone see me hurt this raw.
Although, please keep your rain gear handy - I'll need it soon.
((hugs))
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