Oh how my heart aches.
I have been up night after night for the last two weeks.
I have been restless and sad.
This month has been one of the hardest in my life.
In August, we have had a lot to face. Kalani, our youngest, had another seizure. This one was worse than before. It was ugly and different and just all around scary. We waited seeing a pediatric neurologist... Let me tell you, that was a LONG wait. When your mama heart is full of worry and fretting over your children's neurological well being, you want the damn call immediately. It took 10 business days for them to call from the time we saw our own pediatrician. 10 days?! What, did the whole office go on vacation? Once we got the call, it was another 3 weeks before we could get an appointment. During that time, we also were attacked by our pediatricians nurse assistant/practitioner over our oldest daughter's heart mummer. Yes, all at once, it seemed the world was dropped at my feet. We waited just a few days to see a pediatric cardiologist and Daunika got a "picture of her heart" literally! I was exhausted and frought with worry the whole month. It just felt like something was always wrong.
The outcome of the specialists were exactly what we wanted for both girls. Daunika does have a heart mummer. She was born with it and it still is there. She has had a full diagnostic echo cardiogram to ensure nothing is wrong. She is literally perfect. What a relief. Kalani has been diagnosed with benign febrile seizures, a childhood disorder that is hereditary and comes from me. Well sorry kiddo, you got my face shape and my seizures. They are NOT harmful to her neurological development (really what we wanted to know) and we will not medicate unless she has more than 10-15 annually because the medication has more risks than her seizures at this point. All around, while it's not a "all clear" like Daunikas appointment, it is the very best we could hope for for Kalani.
While it would seem that was enough to worry about through the month of August, we had a new experience to add to the pile. We are in the middle of losing our 5th child. We have known for nearly 2 months we were expecting and were just about to announce it when our life took a turn. Oh how the tears stream as I type that. It's a miscarriage. It's not something unheard of right? But I wasn't prepared for this. Can you prepare for it? I'm not sure. I didn't expect the pain, the anger, the sorrow. Keeping busy helps. It's only when I find myself in the stillness that it sneaks up on me and I am quickly wiping away tears and moving onto something better. My mama heart hurts in ways I cannot describe.
In the midst of my despair, my stress, my coping skills maxed out, I realized my heart hurt in the best of ways - it was full with a life that demanded the very best of me and I love this scary, vulnerable position. There is absolutely no gain in life unless you stick your damn neck out and be naked for a bit. You have to commit, I mean really commit. This life is about charging into the scene, kicking ass, taking names, and falling asleep at the end of the day knowing you loved with everything you had inside of you and that is enough. It's scarier than staying on the shallow side and keeping in a bubble, but if God asked me today if I wanted to love my children less to keep my heart safe in case I lost them along the way, I'd look him squarely in the eyes and tell him there is no partial love in this Mama. There is all-in, all-the-way, never-ending, unconditional kind of love. Seizures, heart mummers, miscarriages - bring it on because these little ones are mine and I adore them every second of every day they are mine.
I mean really... You only have to take a peak and you'd understand....
I mean really, I get to live with a ninja boy who brings sticks in the house! Yes, this little man is one explosion after another. He runs around making noises I didn't know needed to be made. The world is not right until Declan has made the exploding sound. I don't even know how to type the sounds he makes! It is such a delight to watch him run everywhere (he doesn't walk?!) while exploding and yelling he's riding a REAL ROCKET!!!!!!!!!!
I get to spend 2 whole days with my girl scout, just me and her. Sometimes people wonder how to manage "so many kids"... let me tell you, this isn't some part time gig. This is my entire life. There is nothing cooler than my family and so I take pride in making sure I get to spend some time with each and every one of them one on one. They are too awesome not to.
Who said living on a busy street sucks? We get front row seating to road construction, and let me tell you, that was cool to my awesome wild brood of kiddos! Truth be told, Damon and I were out there too. I can't say if we were more excited to watch our kids jump and hollar and giggle and ooooh and awe or just because we're really big kids at heart (and for dear damon, he must watch the process of everything construction!)... but it was awesome. Wake up, head out to the porch for the show :)
And the beginning of August, I had a great laugh while harvesting this gem from the garden. Perhaps God was telling me to grow a pair because I would need them for the rest of the month? Ha! Bring it on world, I got my big girl panties secured and ready to do this damn thing!
I get to spend my heart ache watching my child wonder at the FUN of a empty beach all to ourselves! It's back to school week for most around us. Some kids have been in school for a few weeks, others just started this week... but ya know what? WE DIDN'T! Nope. One of the joys of home schooling is you really get to spend so much one-on-one time with your littles that you cover what you want to cover so quickly... so this week while others are busing all over creation, learning new routines and all that stuff we have never done... we are spending our time at Eagle Island swimming. Why not? It's 95+ degrees outside and it's an empty beach. I quickly snapped about 10 photos and jumped in... Kalani doesn't stay in the shallow end. She thinks she can chase her sisters in the deep! I get VERY soaked any time we are there :)
I get to watch my oldest explore in the kitchen. She made a drink she calls "cinnamon water"... sugar, water, milk, cinnamon? Ya, she was happy. I love watching her confidence and measurements of everything. So fun.
And after a long day at the Western Idaho Fair we ended up grabbing burgers and shakes and snapped this lovely photo!
Every labor day weekend we drag our bums out of bed at 6 am and drive to downtown Boise... The Spirit of Boise Balloon Classic is one of our favorite events!!!! This year, despite me not feeling well, was no exception. Our kids LOVED IT! Who am I kidding? I loved it!! It feels so magical watching them blow up and lift off. I think Damon and I need to go on a date... a magical date that includes a ride in a hot air balloon, yes? I have a life long goal of heading to New Mexico for the worlds biggest hot air balloon festival sometime.. Perhaps when the kids are a wee bit older.
This was the coolest window sticker!
So, when people ask me how I am? Well, I just don't know what to say. This month SUCKED. I mean, really sucked... but it didn't. It was normal. It was wild. It was vulnerable and scary and fun and exciting. There were times I laughed so hard I cried and snorted. There were plenty of tears and sweat and I'm sure blood and hard work. There were moments when I prayed the world would swallow me whole and be done with the suffering and moments of complete adoration with my world and the Creator. So while my heart has had plenty of aches, I'm doing OK. I'm in my stages of grieving and I'm surviving just fine.
August was a really great month.
August was a really crappy month.
Just depends on the moment you ask me. :)
Carry on world!
