Where there are books...

What a powerful thought.

I was thinking yesterday about our library addiction. It's pretty epic.

From the time I was a little girl, the library has been the most magical place in the world to me. It had the ability to make the world feel safe and connected while making it feel massive and untouchable in the same moments. I was drawn to variety most of all. I do not waste my life by sticking to one author, one topic, one type of book. Life is far too short to consider limitation on books.

A woman I know was asking me about what my children's lists for school work looks like... but I had to start with the most fundamental belief, down to my core, about my children's education - Everything comes second to reading in our home. First and foremost - the only skill we teach from birth is reading. Until my children can full independently read, nothing else is in focus.

Reading is the gateway to all their desires. It can bring them everything from God's word when they are weary to a full guide on a far away land they want to backpack through after graduation. Reading is the core of our life. I have seen my children consume books with a desire to conquer multiplication and devour books in a whole adventure series because they can not consider not knowing what happens next. Literacy skills are the foundation to everything we do in this home.

Who has time to read in a go-go-go world like ours? In my opinion, you don't have time, you make time. When we consider what is good, better, and best for our family - books is always the best choice for us. Of course I have reluctant readers, I have non-readers, I have cant-be-bothered-to-eat-today-this-book-is-too-good readers and I have one tiny tear-the-pages-if-mom-isn't-watching readers in this house.... All of them valuable readers.

This is our book box for going to the library - 

It's a toolbox. It used to have a tray in it and a lid with metal clasps to close it.... But I needed heavy artillery to hit the library and this fit the bill perfectly (though, between you and me, I'm considering buying a bigger one because I fear I have out grown this one). Over and over again through the years, this box has been lugged in and out of library after library. Sometimes I get wonderful comments from people, sometimes I get comments from moms that call me insane for allowing that many "liabilities" in my home at once. Nay sayers or not, there is nothing to stop me from a home filled with books!

In our home you'll find books in every room. They are on the couch from a kid who forgot to put them back but were quickly discovered by another kiddo who thought I should read them all to her. They are in bedrooms and though banned from the bathroom, on occasion, they are found there too.

They are found in pathways to sleeping children as if they set their shoes and their books down before falling into bed at night. It's an adorable, funny fact that I find this trail to their beds almost every morning. 

And in conclusion to our lifelong love affair - this quote is apt to what I hope for my children. I want them to read so much that questions they didn't even know arise in their bones and move them forward with passion. I wish that every book they encounter can spark a fire that blazes brighter than they could have imagined and invokes a drive to read more, do more, be more.

Modeling this love affair with books is perhaps what I'll be remembered for in our home. Books, my loves, is the gateway to everything.

How's school going?

When the world seemed to collapse around me this past week - Damon swooped in to ask a valid question:

"What do you need?"

Let me tell you what immediately came to mind.... A whole case of tequila and a one-way ticket to Mexico. I'm not even kidding. I wanted to run far, far away and forget this crazy life. That was for about 3 minutes. Then I took him seriously - what DID I need? Ha. That took longer to figure out.

I decided not to answer for a couple days. I wasn't sure what I needed, I only knew what I didn't need (the unexpected). I pondered what could I possibly ask for that would make this better for me. I was wallowing in self pity. Then I had a gorgeous day at the park with my kids. And guess what? The next day was equally beautiful and I took my babies to the park again. And the day after that! Another sunshine and breezy perfect day, an afternoon walk to the park. During these walks, I realized what I needed was perspective. When my life starts to feel out of control, I do not find it helpful to pick apart the out-of-control moments. I feel deep gratitude for not feeling forced in any direction, but enough time to ponder and take stock of my own life.

So, in my effort to define what I need during this unexpected time in my life, I've come to realize, I want to focus on things going stellar right now. One of those things? Home schooling my babies. I have no great explanation for why it's going so well. I'm not great at planning things. I forget that I am suppose to take the kids somewhere for a class, a group, whatever. I'm disorganized and chaotic usually. But ya know what? I really really love watching my children come alive when they learn!

There is nothing more incredible than watching them fall in love with the world around them and pick up their passions. I am simply one mentor along the way. I consider my time with them sacred and I want them to have the very best opportunities! Sometimes that means trying a sport and deciding you hate it. Sometimes, that means rearranging my work schedules and honoring my time commitments to my little people - this came up for me recently!

Oh man was it hard! I was invited by someone who truly inspires me to attend a trial run of a class/thought provoking speech she's going to share with some people who matter - and I really wanted to soak up all the goodness I could from her. But I also promised my children I would be home by 1 pm for us to do a science experiment..... 10 am.... 11 am... 12 pm... 1201... 1202... before I knew it, it was 12:25 and I had to wrestle with my desires - to continue to listen to this inspiring woman or pick up and go BE that inspiring woman for some really cool little people in my home.

I went home. It was the right thing to do and I'm so glad I did. We had a blast with our VERY messy expirement. I don't know what I missed and of course, I'm human so I'm sad I missed something but I honor my time and guard it wisely - that includes sometimes walking out of meetings to go be a mentor.

Here's a sneak peek into our typical week.... Though, in true Huberty fashion, no two days ever look exactly the same.

We play a LOT of board games. This is Scrambled States of America. Why choose a boring textbook when board games do the same thing? I'm amazed at how fast my kids retain information when winning is on the line. They must get that competitive streak from me! 

This is a list. A printed list. This photo is proof I'm willing to step outside of MY comfort zone to honor the needs of the many personalities of my children. I'm not a list maker. I tend to feel creativity is stifled and I feel oppression from lists. But a couple of my children adore list making. For them, it is structured and safe feeling. So, for a couple months I warred with what list making would look like in our home. So, with a bit of inspiration from a friend recently, we found a common ground. Enough list for productivity and not too much that I feel it stifles creativity. 

This sweet child of mine is the one who loves lists. Not like a little adoration, but a big ol' love affair. She has countless lists. She's planning a vacation for five years from now. She is something else, I tell ya. I am really proud of her for speaking up and nurturing her list making habit into her school work. She loves schedules, outlines, and expectations in line with reality. Change is sometimes hard for her but when she is an active participant in growing something important to her - she embraces it with an assertiveness that I really adore.

Our love of words continues. The dictionary is such a lovely companion for any day of the week. 

Philosophically - I'm pretty play-based-learning for my younger kids. I couldn't imagine a workbook in sight for these young years. But what DO I do for learning activities with them? Well, PLAY OF COURSE! If you can play a game to learn it, we're on it! Kalani loves these massive playing cards. She has learned to count comfortably without ever thinking about it.

And how do I teach her colors? And what is left and right?
TWISTER.

Now, I have a confession. I really love playing games with my kids - but playing the full version of monopoly with these two is the slowest process in the world. They want to sound out the words, they want to count incorrectly money to me, and generally do it all themselves. It's painful folks. Somehow, we are getting through it and they want to play it daily. Oye.

I much prefer to play this one with our big kids, but we'll keep chugging through because someday these little people will turn into big people who surprise me!

So, what do we do when we're not playing? There is room in our lives for textbooks. And workbooks. And science experiments. And book clubs and choir practice and violin practice and enough reading to shame a whole library full of readers.

I have no plan. None what so ever because it's me - and I wing it y'all. But in the absence of planning, I'm just following their amazing brains and getting out of the way to let them really spread wings to fly. 

I won't be finishing my kitchen this year after all....

We're in the middle of a massive remodel. Truthfully, it's going awesome. We have removed 5 full walls and a partial wall thus far and are no where close to done moving around a million walls in this crazy place of ours. I am so incredibly happy with the open space we're creating. Our home was fine before but it didn't serve us the way we wanted for our family. In ever other home we've lived in, the sense of open space was greater. When we moved to this old farm house, it was a rental. We looked at it as a temporary home. Who knew we would realize our dreams of it becoming ours and actually carry out those crazy late night conversations of "what would you do to this old house if it were ours?"

Many have seen our transformations through my facebook page. I've gone through many emotions in sharing our journey and I have come to realize that I'm frustrated with myself. I have allowed others questions to bother me.

"When are you going to be done" 

"How can you handle the construction mess"

"Aren't you just ready to put it back together" 

"I could never live like that"

Under what pretense are these lines of questioning suppose to invoke a sense of encouragement and genuine inquiry vs a feeling of interrogation? I admit, WHO asking the questions matters. Those who genuinely care about us are closer and understand our goals of remaining debt free through our process. They know we work on a tiny tiny budget as a household and refuse to let that stop us from being productive and feeling accomplished. What doesn't feel good is people who seldom stop to ask us how we are, and only do so out of social expectation, asking about my personal home. I think the one that really hurts is the last question. The implication that somehow we're living in a sub-standard condition is a bit offensive. I'll be adult enough to acknowledge my own control of my feelings - but it still isn't exactly uplifting when others imply there is something wrong about remodeling our home on a longer timeline. We're not exactly living in a hut in the middle of nowhere. We have fully functioning plumbing (though I've heard a million times how HARD it must be to have "just" one bathroom), we have a kitchen with the same function as any other - a space to cook, cool, freeze, and otherwise store items used in food preparations. blah blah blah... 

Aside from the physical needs being met, what we have is a home. Our home is open to the world - as a place to be welcomed. It is the place we grow, fight, laugh and genuinely find our place of solace if we're hurting. This home is our home and of course I feel protective of it. I thought of retaking this photo without the kids in it - but it's reality. This crazy baby of ours LOVES to climb on the table right now. Declan is running into the room excited to play a board game and Aurora is ready to play too! Of course, you can see our other values showing too - our buckets of food with no current place to hide, our decorations that we made as a family that need packed away, and our TWO monopoly games (because I can play with two youngers and two olders at the same time but they are very different paced games!). This house isn't just a house - it's the birth place to everything I love about everything in my life!

So, what's the plan? Everyone seems to want to know. Let me tell you folks - it's been a bit of a process to plan everything out on a budget! We're all about function and a wee bit of beauty must be thrown in for sanity-sake! Our goals this year are to focus on the main floor (despite the major set backs with the basement last fall with the septic disaster!). First on the agenda is the kitchen. Our plans are extensive to have custom built cabinets, an eat-in kitchen that seats 10 around a massive "island" that will replace our dining room table, and so on. During the process of remodeling the kitchen - we'll bring the electrical up to code in this area, we'll fix major structural deficiencies, and make it beautiful of course!!

I absolutely adore this little home of mine. But I'm accepting that this year has thrown me a giant curve ball. I've been adamant that my kitchen will be completed in 2016. I have majorly increased my personal workload and I am dropping every penny I have into this kitchen..... right? Well, let me tell you, I have been struck with failure this week.

Failure. What a word. I've felt the weight of the word and meaning of failure all week. I know all the standard failure pep talks. You don't make it to being a successful business owner for years without facing failure and refusing to let it define you. So what happens when a failure is out of your control? When you have to pick up your pieces and reorganize?

Well folks, I would like to share a deeply personal failure with the world - 

And when I say failure, I mean FAILURE. Not planned, in fact the opposite - lengths taken to prevent this from ever happening again.

I think somewhere, God must have had a giant smile on his face while he screamed "PLOT TWIST" in heaven. 

I had great plans of finishing my kitchen this year. I had epic plans to grow both my doula practice and my husbands building company to greater than ever this year. I had plans that included this never, ever happening again.

Folks, I don't believe I'll be finishing my kitchen this year. I'm facing a failure of epic proportions and need some tender time to adjust. I thought of hiding in my house forever and refusing to come out until I figured this plot twist out - but the truth is, I need the support. I need to adjust and feel safe to share that I'm struggling with this. And when I'm ready, I will need some giant cheerleaders - to remind me how incredibly blessed I am and how magnificent this little person will be in our family.

But this week, I'm mourning my kitchen, pondering why a failure like this would strike us, and praying for a whole lot of joy to grow in my heart.

Avoiding

Folks, I'll come out and say it... I have absolutely NO idea what my last blog post was. I don't know when it was or what it was about. I don't care. I've neglected my little blog for awhile while I was digging deep into my own space......... About 30 minutes ago, the digging brought up something new for me and I was scared by it. So, I jumped on Facebook. I got 3 squares of yummy dark chocolate (ok, 4 and if my foot wasn't broken, I'd walk up the stairs to finish off the freaking bar, stat). I read a blog by a friend about the playdate my kids adored today. I changed a diaper. I turned on music. I turned music off. I sat and stared at my blank page for a full 90 seconds before I thought I was losing my mind. 

I avoided my dark corners. You see, I don't have a single freaking answer for the first question in this new class I'm taking that I'm not afraid to put on paper! So, we're talking about digging deep into ourselves and cultivating authenticity and courage - REALLY showing up for life and being vulnerable. First question - What do you need to give yourself permission to do in order to get the most out of this class. 

*crickets*

I'm getting the shit kicked out of me folks. I'm freaking terrified that at the end of this self exploration, I'm going to hate what I find. OUCH. I'm in the middle of trying not to hustle for my worthiness in a whole new way and I'm feeling it man! 

But you know what else? I'm feeling it. After staring at that blank page, I said to myself - I might not know what I need permission to do yet, but I am going to admit I'm digging into the darkness and depth of my soul because I truly believe it's worth it. 

Someone shared this in another format on my facebook wall and it speaks to the messy middle I'm in right now. 

The creative process looks like this: 

Yep. That's me in the middle right there. I'm a fence sitter between THIS IS SHIT and I AM SHIT. I haven't decided if I back up if I can see that it's tricky or see that it's all going to be ok yet either.

Woo.

Friends, I love you and I will end with this - the very words that are ingrained in my soul - from the very woman who is leading the class I'm taking. And really, you need to check out this class if you find yourself in a place of willing to challenge yourself, dig deep, and GROW - COURAGEworks with Brene Brown