Sunday Status

Another Sunday has passed in my life. 

Take a peek into my personal journey.

I started and finished this book this week. I had hoped more of it, but alas, the title really was everything I needed to hear.

This has been the statement I've been using for meditating this week. Loads of journaling have come from that single simple sentence. 

Brene Brown simply takes the cake. I can't wait to devour her next book Daring Greatly too!

Damon and I are in between our week 3 and week 4 class of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. 

One of the biggest reasons we are taking this isn't for knowledge - it's for discipline. 

20% knowledge, 80% habit. We're working on the latter together and it's amazing!!

"... Jesus ... when he saw her, he said, 

Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole"

Matthew 9:22

Isn't that profound? I was up reading in my bed early while my family slept around me this week when I came across this passage. I love how exactly what we need to hear is placed in our path.

A new week is coming, I'm looking forward to a merry Monday indeed.

22 to 16 = 30.

That number is amazing. Seriously. Can I just shout it from the fricking roof tops?!

30.

Three. Zero.

More than 29.

Three Tens.

THIRTY!

No, you didn't miss the memo, I am still only 25. The above number is what I am celebrating today in pounds lost. Now, I am not done at all in my accomplishments with my journey to becoming an athlete again, but HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL I FEEL FANTASTIC!! Yes, that needed shouted too. 

Here's where I started just 8 short months ago:

While I certainly do look joyful there as I opened our 4th childs first Christmas gift, I was really kind of trapped in that body of mine..... 

This was last week:

Unsure about the plaid shirt, it was given to me... but hey, it was warm on a chilly day!

So - THAT is THIRTY GONE. Wooooooooooo. Not just that number, but I've also taken my body from a size 22 jeans (in that first picture) and am comfortably sitting in a 16 today. I wish I had taken my original measurements but I really didn't want to know where I was starting from. 

For years, I have sat in a body that wasn't mine. It served me when I needed it most, it brought our wonderful children into this world. The weight also served as a shield when I needed to keep my head down and hide. To process and not make attention drawn to myself. In the last 10 years, I have held on to as many excuses as I could come up with for why I was OK with my body. And let me be clear - I was. It really DID serve me as I deeply processed. 

But at the beginning of the summer, I felt a break that set my soul soaring free. It's fucking epic. I feel amazing. Free. Flying. It's literally like my smile got brighter, my passion got stronger, my soul was more in tune with God as I had to ask the hard question - was there something so terrible about me that I could cause a deep hatred? The answer was brutal and tremendous. Since that moment of intensely looking in the mirror and praying with a sincerity that I cannot even begin to explain - I knew that it was time to quit hiding and to go forth sync'ing my life with The Plan bigger than myself.

I'm not calling it easy, but I can't really say it's been hard either. I feel guided, aided, advocated for and uplifted in an unexplainable way. What is amazing is I can look at my bigger self and realize it wasn't that bad. It was a tool, my being overweight, was helping me hide when I needed to. It's no secret to anyone that I'm less than enjoyable to some, but when I had to evaluate was I worthy of true hatred this year - I felt something freeing. Much the same as I felt when I let go of my trauma of being a victimized child. I didn't hate my biological mother for being her anymore, and this year, I realized I didn't hate me at all. I wasn't worthy of hatred from any one person, and least of all God.

Here's what freedom has looked like for me....

There have been hours of weight lifting. I must say, I have some stellar arms muscles these days. I can do 37 push ups now!!!!!!!! WHOA.

Costco and I have developed a long term love relationship. Simply put - the produce is good, reasonable in price, and fits my fridge. See... this is the same fridge after a different Costco trip a month later:

Which produces amazing meals:

I mean seriously, doesn't that just look amazing?!?

Countless hours have been spent hula-hooping. It's so funny, people come over and we'll all be sitting around, and I'll get up and keep on talking while hula-hooping. I couldn't care less what anyone thinks of it, but it's been a GREAT habit change!

And before you walk out of my home, you'll see this hanging on the wall. Such a simple sign really, but it's a reminder of all I am, all I want, and all that I can accomplish. It's an incredible feeling being unstoppable. To feel that light from within shine through.

So, HERES TO ME! Free, vibrant, and kickin ass & taking names. 

I'm gearing up for a 5K this coming weekend. It's a celebratory 5K. While I still have about another 30 lbs to lose, I feel a lightness in my soul that is worth celebrating. I am modeling for my children what healthy choices are now. I am not worried about hiding myself or staying small or worse, shrinking because people near me might not like me in years from now.... I feel glorious. I want to share this. I want to inspire and keep growing. My children have been the most amazing little souls with me. They have rode their bikes countless miles as I jogged and walked and jogged and hurled when it got hard. My husband has supported every single bite, or better, lack of bites that I have taken. It's truly amazing. 

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I'll update on the next 30 :) 

Character, Mess and New Habits!

Unbeknownst to my children, they have been involved in a new wave of living for them and for all of us. Several months ago when something unexpected changed the shape of our lives, I got to                                                                        chose not to be a victim or let it slow down the amazing life straight in front of me. But it did allow me to see our lives with new clarity and for that, I'm uuber thankful!

One of the biggest things I noticed was I had little clutter in the house, but great mess. If I had no clutter, why the heck did I have mess?! Well, that's when I started learning about habits. I actually was studying habits in a completely different mind frame but I realized that learning about habits carried into many aspects of my life and I could learn a lot about noting the habits that were my own and my kids. My husband and I looked at our business habits too, our money habits and our lives that were often controlled by habit.

Circling back to that lack of clutter but still messy - I realized I had few habits of running a household. That sounds silly but let's be honest, my childhood sucked and I had horrible role models. So, how can I have a messy non-cluttered house? Well, I define clutter as an overabundance of items or belongs that stack up with a specific place it belongs. Mess is simply things that have a place and aren't in them due to lack of boundaries or habits.

This is a really important distinction for me as I learned that most of the belongings we have aren't useless. They are purposeful and used! Some used constantly, some less frequently, but 98% of our house has set places for our items. Knowing that - we still were battling messes! I found the root of my problem - me.

I am the tone set in the house. If I am lackadaisical about putting away things, my kids will be too. If I am diving in a book because it's great but ignoring our basic chores of putting away laundry, my kids will too. Combine this with the 'I don't want to be a nag' mentality and I was setting myself up for serious issues long term. Instead, I had to take pause and think about my little people as character training for a lifetime. Here's my goals:

I want my kids to develop a fantastic work ethic that is intrinsically driven.

I want my home to be organized with purpose and lived in.

I want to be the example in the house for how things should run.

I want to spend less time cleaning large messes and more time having some real fun!

Here's some examples:

Yes, I spray painted the grass. It's friggin GENIUS! Now Declan, Daunika and Aurora all have a clear, visual guideline for where the proper placement is for their bikes. We spend so much time outside, our yard was feeling crowded by all the bikes, hula hoops and such. This system has been amazing for us and I'm so thankful for my free can of spray paint.

Then my brilliant husband who is the best Mr.FixIt in the world made me this!!! Our hula hoops are off the ground, they aren't tangled together in any way, the kids can reach them and we can mow the lawn under it. It is really pretty to sit and enjoy a cup of coffee and watch the wind blow them slightly. I love it! Here's a close up for those who also have hoops to organize!

Not just the new paint or the new hoop rack - but we've been living out better character traits too. I am in a womens fitness challenge right now, which is a great motivator to keep me from stalling in my progress, but each of us had to choose a personal challenge. Something to push us and mine was "Put the house to bed clean". ITS AMAZING!!!!!! We spend about 20 minutes in the evening after dinner but before bedtime stuff just cleaning up. It's not just my kids picking up their stuff (though that is most of it) but me and Damon too. We have gone to bed with our kitchen completely clean every night and it's so great to wake up to tidy and orderly. Ahhhhhhh. Love this habit of ours.

It's been an amazing month! Damon and I are committed to changing things in our lives and we're taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. It's nothing we haven't heard already. We have the audio books, we have listened to FPU from 2002 in audio too... but we hadn't ever really taken the steps. This class is awesome and it was thrilling to sit down together to do our "homework" for the week. It felt like such a collaborative effort and was damn cool to rate our confidence and hope levels for our finances at a 10 each from both of us.

Yes. Yes, indeed. We have hope and completely confidence. What a great feeling!

Seeking the Good...

... can be SCARY! 

Ok, so if you know anything about me, at all, you know that I'm really comfortable knowing what is coming up next. I am ok creating my own forecast for the weather. Control freak? No, I just really like knowing where I fit in the universe. I like the ebb and flow of giving and taking and hoping I do my best. I like knowing I belong.

Well, I've been known to do a few random things in my life - like show up to an LDS church service week after week. It goes something like this:

Them: "Oh! Did you just move here?"
Me: "No"
Them: "Did the missionaries invite you?"
Me: "Nope, in fact, I haven't met any missionaries living here"
(insert appalled look as they try to figure out how to get my address without asking directly)
Them: "Great to see you, you must know someone in the ward"
Me: "Nope, but I love the Gospel and I thought I would walk across hot burning coals today show up alone with my four children"

*crickets*

I have replayed this scene exactly the same with two wards now. I really hope that by reading this, if you EVER attend ANY CHURCH SERVICE EVER IN THE WORLD - please, for the love of Christ, come up with something to say after you realize someone is new, knows no one there at all, and is sacred shitless to ask for help navigating around this journey while holding their shit together as one small 2 year pees his pants, one big sassy 6 year old tells you she found a new best friend and walks away and you have no idea how to find her, one shy introverted 4 year old hides in your dress and the baby in your arms needs fed. right. now.

It's really simple, follow along:

Them: "Great to see you, are you new here?"
Me: "Yes" (this silence is not rudeness, it's terror!)
Them: "Awesome, well I am so and so, I've been new before too and that can be tricky. Can I help you find (do, go, etc) the classes for (you, your kids, your baby, etc)?"
Me: "YES! Thank you, you're right, it's hard being new places!"

Wellll.................... drum roll please. I am yet again going into uncharted waters! ALONE! Without a parachute and I am totally OK saying I'm scared! Woo. That was actually a tad hard to admit out loud. But at least tonight I'll not have 2 year old pee, 6 year old disappearing and 4 year old cling-on to contend with (I will however have cranky, teething, 9 month old wants to do nothing but screech and nursing with me!)

See, I know lots of fantastic, heart warming, soul changing women that I'm sure I'll see tonight. Any one of them is an ally, advocate and friend. I'm sure I could hook my little red wagon on to theirs and say "I'm nervous, mind if I ride with you tonight?" and they would probably say yes. For each and every one of those women, Thank you. Thank you for holding a space you didn't know you were holding for me. I'm driving myself today, and tomorrow, and I'm doing it because I want to. I want to experience the vulnerability that comes from going without a forecast. Because deep in my soul, I'm hoping to stand among like minded women and without knowing how or why or specifics, I'm hoping to 'get it'. I'm not sure I can further explain it.

I'm secretly terrified someone who doesn't like me any more will stand on the podium and scream "MACYS HERE AND SHES NOT A MORMON"!!!! and all the women will pull out tomatoes from their bags and toss them at me. (While that sounds nuts, I had a nightmare about it! It was so vivid I threw up from the stress!)

The truth is, I'm trying and I'm scared and this is a big deal. So tonight and tomorrow I'm going to a conference for LDS women titled "Time Out For Women: Seek the Good". I am taking the time, and I'm trying to seek the good. I've changed my clothes 4 times today trying to figure out what is expected of me (can I wear jeans to this thing?! or is it church attire only?!) And I've found that I've picked up my phone to call my old ally three times to ask for her advice. Strange. I don't even have that phone number any more but the habit to ask for help is there.

So, Here's my long, all over the place blog to Seeking the Good. I am so excited and so terrified.

Pray for me, the forecast is unknown but I'm excited!!! 

Catching Up

Life around here is full swing with living. Lots of people have inquired "have you started school yet?" Well.... no and yes. We're always striving to learn new things in this house so of course we're 'schooling' but formally we take off most of September. Last year I really didn't want to do anything in September but be outside with my kids - and that's pretty frickin amazing if you ask me! Tthis year, following suit, we are NOT doing formal work at all in September. We all hide inside in the middle of July and beginning of August when the heat gets overwhelming and sticky and yucky. We get so much done during that time that when September rolls around, we're all ready for a break to head outside, explore and have fun!! Of course, we're still up with the usual library trips to pack our toolbox on wheels full of books, trips to the discovery center and the zoo.... and we're still learning all sorts of things, but September is non-formal, no "book work" time for us.

So, uh... what ARE we doing?!

I'm glad you asked :)

There has been lots of relaxing sibling bonding time.

And of course, lovin' on Daddy time.

And Daddy gives the best love back

We made-over our master bedroom for a whooping $18. It feels so nice! 

We dyed yarn for the first time with friends in August. The kids had a blast making their yarn for their winter hats this year. In order: Aurora, Daunika, Declan, Mommy, Dad yarn. Woo hoo!

As ususal: We enjoyed the fair this year too!

There was plenty of this happening too. Kalani and Declan both crash often in the bike trailer as we rack up about 15 miles a week on the thing. 

And of course, fashion is super important to this small son of ours. I mean, don't YOU need a helmet, a long sleeve shirt, swim trunks AND rain boots to help Dad?


I anticipate a lot of this continuing for the next 3 weeks as we take a break and slow down. We're enjoying just being together and building an amazing family. There are of course things we will do with friends and extended family in September - like TEACH co-op and Tuesday playdates in the park. But I'm looking forward to the restful month.