How do you just leave?

I'm pretty good at suffering inside. I try to reach out to my husband, I'm not alone in this shattered feeling. But when I want to feel the most secure - I feel the least lately.

How do you just leave a family and never look back? How do you live with little children and never really connect with them? Never love anyone that loved you so deeply? How do you be so fucking selfish?

Some know, some dont. Our home has gone through a very dramatic change over the last 7 months. 7 months ago nearly to the day, we took on the enormous life change - We would take in my youngest maternally linked sibling - My sister Ruby. All changes have growing pains. We had to learn to "parent" and "guide" a teenager. Not just a happy well rounded teen - but a young woman that needed so much.

As I look back over the last 7 months, I begin to question if I was ever right to take her into our home. What an adjustment for her - Rules. A Family. Someone that WOULD care when she was hurting. Someone that loved her, in all her stages. Her opinion of the last 7 months is so very different from my own.

Thursday June 25th, I feel like I failed more than I ever had before. I had failed at creating a home for her, I had failed at creating a place she would want to stay. Throughout the 7 months, I made our position clear - she was free to find a new home, but we wanted her to stay, to be a part of our family, and to learn to be a family member here. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I was wrong in allowing her to be in control.

Either way, I royalled fucked it up. In the end, she didnt love any of us, she hadn't connected, she hadn't cared at all. She packed, She left. She wont be back. I'm not even sure I would want her to come back knowing that she hates us all, she never wanted to be here with us, and that she feels that running is her answer to life.

So much goes around and around in my head. Its easier to be mad for me. Its an emotion that is "comfortable" I can be mad easily. When I'm mad, I clean, cook, go running, pull weeds, all that dumb shit. I keep my adeneline up because I'm mad and I get shit done. How does someone act when they are fucking broken? I mean, really devestated and at a loss for even the words to describe what they feel?

Hell if I know. Lets see - Thursday, I spent all of Thursday nearly wanting to die. I had failed, no matter how hard I tried to get her to become a part of our family, it was in vain. Nothing worked. Its like trying to force a alcoholic to stop drinking. She has to WANT the family first. Countless nights I stayed up chatting with her, watching tv together, or crocheting things together. Talking about projects, life, guys, her friends, my friends, all of it. Down the fucking toilet. So, I cried so hard Thursday, literally all day, that I nearly hurt myself. I began severe cramping and spotting. I cried all night, and woke up with a swollen face, a severe head ache, and a serious numbness that vaguely hurt if I thought about it for even a slight moment.

Friday. Ah yes.... swollen eyes - check. killer head ache - check. cramping - check. spotting - gone. postive test, thankfully. Packing. I mean, mad dash. I was going camping damnit, and I didnt fucking care who would be there, who wouldnt, I needed OUT of the fucking house. I packed up all the camping gear, and I left. I was out of the house by 2 pm! Considering I wasnt even awake until 10 am, I am amazed.

Free. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I was free. I wasnt at home, I didnt have things around the house - reminders of what wasn't real anymore. Then the slices - one after another as our friends asked where our teen was. Little did they know, she was police escorted from my home. Because she chose to leave. She hated us all and wanted to never see us again.

I mean, thats not exactly happy campfire tales aye? So, I shrugged it off, said very little. None of them close enough to really notice what I'm sure was the severe pain in my eyes at the mention of her. Or the fact that I quickly walked away if she was mentioned. I'm sure no one noticed.

Saturday. Damon. Oh dear damon. Thank you so much for arriving at our camp site. Friday night, alone, with the two babies was freeing and dooming all at once.

Sunday, What do you mean I have to go home? Oh eff. I have to go home. Home. As I drove I began thinking again - what a dangerous thing. Luckily, I was so stinkin tired that it didnt cross my mind when I arrived at home. Diapers to wash, sleeping bags to wash, laundry, dishes, food to put away, kids to adjust to home agian, etc.

Monday morning, exhausted. Fight with mother. About how essentially it is ALL my fault that Ruby left our house, that I am the fucking devil and that I ruin everything. Thank you mother. Seriously, Thanks. I NEEDED THAT. Because you did SO much better, Ruby had STDs 3 times living with you, stolen cars, DUI's at 13, Juvi, running away, stealing, dropping out of school - YES, you did MUCH better.

Monday afternoon, The dept of Health & Welfare - social services arrives at my house. I called them, I expected them. I'm glad they came. I explained that Ruby was escorted from my home via Ada County Sheriffs on Thursday, and I told them where she could found. They asked me about her mental, physical, and emotional well being.

What do you say about a teenager that hates you so violently that she felt the need to leave instantly? What do you say about the hurt that follows. I mean - seriously. I held it together. I dont think anyone really gets it yet. I dont think anyone understands that I'm hurt.

Damons logical. He worries about me, and is of course, angry as hell that she left. I think I get why he's angry. All Rubys life, people are inconsistent. They leave, the get rid of her, they allow her to live a life that is unsafe. He was furious that we couldnt make her stay. That we couldnt reach out to her and get her to stick out her choices in life. We couldnt, didnt, and cant unring this bell.

Deep down, I think he's furious at me too. I failed somehow.

Today was better somehow. I still cant think about it too long without sobbing. Luckily, no one is around and I can blog and sob in some peace.

I'm sure many many blogs will come from this topic. So much pain, anger, loss, and simple angony that will follow as I heal this wound.

I dont want to talk about it. I am not ready. I'm not ready to openly cry, I'm not ready to have anyone see me hurt this raw.

Although, please keep your rain gear handy - I'll need it soon.

Stain, Stress, Blubber.

How to describe? I dunno. I'm feeling a wide range of emotions this weekend. Most of this weekend I've felt completely on edge. Overwhelmed? No. Thats not it, but deeply worried. I think alot of my confusion comes from pregnancy. This by-far has been the most tired week I've had in a long time. Also, I'm in the early hormonal changing period. Every minor thing seems to be completely blown out of proportion.

Ruby specifically. I'm having a really hard time understanding why she would be so careless with her body. And more so, why she still choses to make dangerous, and down-right scary desicions. It was stressful for me before, but now - it seems dooming. I really really dont want to fail her, but I know that simple topics to talk about usually, are shadowed by me knowing somthing is wrong and shes not telling me things openly.

Blubbery. Good lord. I am crying over the STUPIDEST things. And I feel completely rediculous about it too.

I'm also having cramping and light spotting..... scares me to death. really. Too hard to talk about, because in some ways, I wish no one knew I was expecting, its easier to loose then. I wouldnt have to explain anything then.

Essentially, I'm feeling stressed, badly. Its not comfortable, but I know that I will figure something out.

Something new we're going to try....

Most know that I am really dedicated to homeschooling. Lately I have spent hours and hours reading everything I can about things to help myself be a better "teacher". I have read zillions of ideas, and some would be great, some not. As I actively try to help Daunika continue to grow and learn - she asks for more and more and more. So, I"m going to try pre-planning this week. Full of MORE for her!

Saturday night, and early this morning, I have been making this for the week -

These are "letter folders". We'll obviously start with the letter A and I'm hoping that it is a great week for us. I've got a really full planned week, because everytime I plan something small and just "allow her to naturally lead me".... she wants more than I planned and I dont know what to do if I havent "planned" something. I dont mean planned as in ridged schedule, I'm talking about making myself a plan! Meaning, open up the topic of work with her, and allowing her to lead me. If she asks for more - I have more planned. So, no schedules, no must-dos. Just a chance to do more if she asks!

So, some of my ideas for this week include -

Cook with Apples

Use the Ant cards to count

Use the Ant cards to add and subtract

Learn about Ambulances, coloring pages

Take a "Feild Trip" to the local fire dept to see a real Ambulance

Learn about Airplanes

Make paper Airplanes

Tour the Airport

I want my fucking tax money back - NOW.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!! *furious*

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/06/19/nih-funds-study-men-dont-like-use-condoms/

The federal government is spending $423,500 to find out why men don't like to wear condoms, a project government watchdogs say is a nearly-half-a-million-dollar waste of taxpayer money.

Researchers at Indiana University's Kinsey Institute, with funding from the National Institutes of Health, are investigating why "young, heterosexual adult men" have problems using condoms. The study will include "skill-based intervention" to teach grown men how to use protection.

The first phase of the two-year study called "Barriers to Correct Condom Use" will be a simple Q&A, but doctors say the second phase will plumb uncharted territory.

"The second phase involves a laboratory study, and focuses on penile erection and sensitivity during condom application," reads the abstract from Drs. Erick Janssen and Stephanie Sanders, both of the Kinsey Institute.

"The project aims to understand the relationship between condom application and loss of erections and decreased sensation, including the role of condom skills and performance anxiety, and to find new ways to improve condom use among those who experience such problems."

The study, which was first reported by UWire, is one of many being funded by the NIH's National Institute of Child Health and Human Development.

But it has government watchdogs rolling their eyes at what they say is a clear waste of taxpayer money.

"This government is so out of whack with what the priorities are that this actually makes sense that we'd be wasting money on a condom study rather than the real problems facing the country," said David Williams, vice president for policy at Citizens Against Government Waste, which tracks wasteful spending in the federal budget.

For American men -- many of whom have already undergone years of awkward sex ed in the care of gym teachers -- the study might not offer much of a boost, Williams said.

"Are they going to hand out the study and are people going to go, 'Ohhh ... I'm going to do things differently this time?'" he asked, noting that the private sector was successfully handling issues related to erectile dysfunction.

"I don't think they should have any delusions of grandeur that what they're doing is going to change behavior and that it's really going to fundamentally change the way men and women get together."

But the study's directors say their project performs a vital public health service and could help develop prevention and intervention programs to stop the spread of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

"Our study addresses important public health concerns in the U.S. and is the first study to test claims about arousal and sensation loss in a controlled scientific environment, while exploring factors that may be addressed in prevention and intervention programs," Janssen told FOXNews.com.

Janssen said the research will be conducted among 500 men aged 18-24, though only 120 subjects will be involved during the laboratory phase, when scientists will conduct neurological exams and "test an instructional method on the correct and consistent use of condoms." Janssen said funding for the study is "commensurate with the scope of a research project of this size."

But the $423,500 grant for the study is just a crumb in the NIH pie. The NIH spends $29 billion each year to help fund thousands of health studies at home and abroad.

But some questionable queries have come under close scrutiny, including a $400,000 study being conducted in bars in Buenos Aires to find out why gay men engage in risky sexual behavior while drunk; a $2.6 million study dedicated to teaching prostitutes in China to drink less while having sex on the job; and a $178,000 study to better understand why drug-abusing prostitutes in Thailand are at greater risk for HIV infection.

Williams, the taxpayer advocate, doubted whether eliminating one potentially wasteful project would have a large effect overall.

"Getting rid of this study is not going to change the country and solve all of our monetary problems, but it just kind of reminds people that government is out of touch with the real needs of the country," he said.

What can I make with feathers?

No long explanation about this post.... just a simple picture by picture explanation....

Today, we went to Julia Davis Park.....

Aurora LOVED seeing ducks for the first time!

While we were at the park, we collected feathers.... when we got home - I had a project in mind!!!

So, Daunika got out the supplies -

And while she did that, I printed something........

Then she colored the head..... Since we had been talking about how to spell duck, what colors they are.... etc etc, she knew the head was green for this one!

Then began the real fun... This was so great because the texture was great to her. She liked the opportunity to pick which feather went where... and glue is always fun to her!

And well........ heres how she built her duck (with geese feathers. LOL)

And.......... Hung up, dried, and she is very proud.

Absent.

absent :

• not being in a specified place
• lacking: nonexistent;
• go away or leave; "He absented himself"
• lost in thought; showing preoccupation; "an absent stare"

Something is missing. Absent, not missing for lack of trying. I began the journey of taking on a teenager this year. 2009 has proved to be an interesting one. How? Why? What? Me? Yep, millions of questions surround my head over and over about my path in life and how our teen fits in it. I suppose our Gods are pointing me in a direction that I need to take. I pray often they know what the hell they are doing. LOL

Today was such a great family day. It really was. Yet, someone was absent. Ruby came to us very different from us. I believe she struggles to find her place even still in our family. She's my younger sister, yet I'm her gaurdian. She's an Aunt to our young children, yet fits like an older sibling now that she lives with us. I know she misses our brother so much, I dont know how to help her sometimes.

Love. Theres so many things I can give Ruby. A home that she is wanted in, the sense of a family, my opinion and a new chance to finally get through high school. Sometimes I wish she came with an intruction manual. "push F2, CNTL and Tab all at once for instant happiness!" ..... yea, something like that. Of all the things I can give her, love is the most important.

Of all the things I want to give her, the sense of being truely loved is most important to me.

Today was so hard because she CHOSES not to be with us. The night before she told me she wanted to come - yet when morning came, she declined. She is also chosing to spend next weekend away from our home. Fathers Day - something she has NEVER celebrated before... Damon might not see it the same way, but it makes me sad to think she is so absent from family days. She's going to spend Fathers Day with some friends .... Yet my husband has poured countless hours trying to teach her to drive, teach her how to fix a car, teaching her math and science when I fall short on those subjects...

I guess I shouldnt expect so much so fast. She really is doing better than we expected in a short amount of time..... I just want her to be happy and present for some family time.

None the less, I love my baby sister. I love her very much.

Saturday. Oh I love the rain.

Where to start? Oh oh oh... So much on my mind. First, lets talk about the AMAZING WEATHER!

Its June right? Last time I checked. June is suppose to be so hot that I hate it in Idaho. I am blown away that today is was overcast, and there was light, but warm, rain! Today was Eagle Fun Days... It was great. In fact, I was taken aback from the simple amazing feeling I had all day with my husband and children. Laughter is addicting and I am so blessed.

I worked last night, great party BTW, so I slept in longer than I had hoped. Apon rising, I finished my paperwork from the night before, and then woke the kids. Damon, myself and our two daughters got ready to head out! We made it out of the door at 10 am, which is laughable, but we made it to the pancake breakfast provided at Merril Park! It was nice to have a breakfast and NO dishes! WOOT!

Damon and Aurora watching the cruise!

And of course, Daunika wanted Daddy because Aurora was in his arms...

After breakfast, we walked to the parade site - just in time for the Old Glory Pride cruisers to begin. Its basically all classic cars, and it fit the theme of the parade perfectly. During the beginning, Damon and I were talking, the girls were dancing to music... and Damon told me he had never been to a parade - EVER. I mean, never. I nearly shit myself! Parades are the american thing to do right? And theres always hot-rod cruises too. He had been to neither. My poor city-slicker husband had his cherry popped today. I'm so glad, because we both LOVED IT! Heres our two favorite cars from the cruise.

Once the cruisers had stopped making me drool .... then the parade started! Eagle has whats called a "Wet & Wild Parade". The first part of the parade are all dry floats, ya know, normal ones. After all those beautiful floats pass... then comes the REAL FUN! These are pictures of the "wet & wild" part; We got really wet! If you look close enough, theres HOSES. Not just water guns, but FIRE HOSES!!!!!

What a frickin blast. Thank goodness for zoom because my camera would have been soaked trying to take these otherwise.

We headed to the Eagle Days Carnival - where my camera totally died! But, Daunika had a blast riding a bunch of toddler rides, we shared a funnel cake with apples on it, and then both kids crashed, Damon and I got a great chance to just be peaceful and talk on the mile or so walk back to the car - we walked the opposite direction of everyone else, I'm so glad!

Our adventure with Art

Daunika decided this week was art week. Each week we try to pick a new "theme" and I was pleasently suprised at the topic art. So... I decided to hang some string in our living room above her school supplies with some clothes hangers. A place to display her work and to remind her that she is doing fantastic. She is very proud of it and shows me constantly.

We started with shapes. She wanted to have me cut them out from the colored paper she chose, then she glued them to a paper. It was a great interactive expeirence! We spent about an hour talking about colors, and what shapes she liked, etc. I really wish I had thought to take a picture of her using glue and making her art work... but I didnt want to interupt her enjoyment with some flashes in her eyes.

Then today - we made FISH! We took simple materials, paper plates, paint, a little glitter, 2 eyes, and some scissors. 3 hours later, she added fish to her wall!

Anxious, Nervous, whatever.

Its suprising to me how nervous I feel at this moment. I shouldnt, its 7:53 am, Thursday, and nothing particularly in going on in my house. My children are sound asleep, my husband is working at his desk behind me, I'm enjoying one cup of coffee, just one.

But inside, I'm fricking a ball of nerves! I walked away from my Essence of Romance business because it had become something negative in my family. Well, to me at least. I had taken on a teenager who needed me, and I needed to be there for her constantly. I was also beginning to treate my business as sales - which it isnt - yet it is. The difference though, I became worrying about money, and that made my parties not fun. I couldnt connect with my customers and feel like I was suppose to be there to teach them about healthy and happy sexual relationships. I had begun to look for dollar signs. I walked away. Kind of dumb, because we needed the income stream just as much then as we do still, but I truely was not being a great romance specialist anymore.

Tomorrow will be my first party in 7 months. WOW. Saying that out loud seems dooming somehow. I know all about my products, I know about the sexual facts that need taught, I know about how to talk to women about sensuality, being confident as a woman comes from inner workings, and how to connect/re-connect with your partners to live happily in sync.

What in the hell am I nervous about? I dont know. I'm still nervous. Today I'll spend alot of time getting everything perfect about my display table items, my order forms all stamped, my lingerie catalogs all in order.... etc.

What I need most is to remember that I started from nothing, and I will be just fine. I remember my first party, I was so nervous and scared really that all those women would know it was my first party ever (they were stangers to me), but I had decided that driving there, I would be so vibrant that if I scrambled a few words, or forgot the name of a product that it would be ok - but I would be so energetic and happy that they wouldnt care.

It worked. Lets pray it works tomorrow, I know these women!

Are you only worth $___ per hours?

I don't believe most intelligent people are destine for a JOB. Let me explain, a job includes what? A boss, a supervisor, if you aren't entry level - then people under you as well. You're told when you arrive, when you take breaks and when to leave. You have to ask for a vacation. 

A job controls everything about your life. Where you live, what kind of meals you eat, where you'll vacation and IF you can even vacation, where your children go to school, and the list goes on and on and on. Its all controlled by someone else when you have a job. People often hear that and say, "no, I control where I live, I control where my kids go to school and what my family eats"..... is that so?

When you have a job, your saying "my life is only worth _____ amount of dollars an hour. Even if on salary, its all a sell out. Is your husband really only worth 15-20-30 dollars a hour? Mine isnt. You unconciously sell out your dream life. You become sucked into a ****ty life that is defined by what? a damn j-o-b. 

-Where you live - yes, you may pick the color of your walls, hopefully not a shitty beige, but where you live is absolutely controlled by your job. Those that beg to differ - I ask, is your dream life living where you are RIGHT NOW? of corse not, for most. So, if your not in your dream home, why not? Again, most tribute that to Money. "my job only pays so much"......... exactly. Your rented per hour to be an expense at some point. Otherwise, there wouldnt be risks of layoffs. 

-What kind of food you eat - some people cant afford organic foods. dumbest statement in the world to me personally, but I understand that when a job rents them for a price they they accept, it gets tough. 

-Vacations... in an "economy like this" who thinks of vacations? I do. Why the hell not? when the hell did we stop dreaming? Why should my life be limited. When your little you dont think about "oh, I'll never get that huge home with a picket fence"... you say, I'll fill it with dolls! So why not have it? Because your rented, you sell out on the immediate, never willing to risk reaching out of the box to see what life offers. 

-Where your children go to school.... in a simple statment, can you afford a full ride to Yale? Brown? Harvard? Why are those kids that make it there any better than yours? they arent. 


SOOOOOOOOOOOO............. Back to my original statement, MY husband being laid off from his JOB was the absolutely a life saver. Was your husband around for your babies first foods, first words, first steps? How about were they there for those moments when you needed to lean on them because if your toddler threw one more fit you thought they might not live to see tomorrow, or for certain, you wouldnt. Were they there to cuddle your baby when your sick, not worrying about anything but caring for his wife and their children. 

My husband was never around for the first year of our oldests life. He worked like a 60+ hour work week just to maintain bills. Our lifestyle increased, and his hours had to. He was away more than he was with us. It sucked. On the flip side, he has seen our youngest daughters nearly ever 'firsts' and has been the man able to simply be at home to help me before I want to cry because the day gets so hard. 

BUT. Did my income suffer to become a business owner? Absolutely. In fact, I'm scare shitless. But its a different kind of fear. I fear LOSING my husband again. Losing him to that endless shitty cycle of him going to work, our vacations defined, when I could see him even, defined by someone else. 

I've heard people say "well thats just life" - no, thats THEIR life. Not mine. I refuse to accept that shit is normal. Thats not how I live. 

You've seen my house, I in no way suffer. Its not where I want to be, its not my dream by any means... but its home. And my husband is HOME to share it with me. 

Self employed/owning a business has changed our life forever, and I'll NEVER EVER EVER go back. My income will only increase this way, and I'm not sure that my income would have increased the other way. Now we control that. If we work - we get paid more. If we dont, we dont. Thats so scary to some people, but I realize why... They aren't willing to be on the line. To actually have to do something. Its scary for us too, don't get me wrong. But its a different kind of fear. 

I know, I wont ever lose my husband again. My marriage is so much richer and deeper. My life with God isnt limited any longer (I felt like I couldn't help at church like I wanted to before, limited time), my children are the luckiest in the world - they know their dad is there for them. Everything in life is better this way. 

My husband is worth more than 15-20-30+ dollars an hour. He'll never be rented again. I'll never be rented.

________________________________________________________________

This was a blog I wrote several months ago and I wanted to repost in this blog form so that those who hadn't seen it were welcome to read it. Please note, I am not judging, I'm simply THRILLED to have found another way to live!!!!! 

Its been several months since I have written the above blog, and while I might use nicer tones now, I still cannot losing my husband. I am so proud of him and myself for accomplishing our goals in life. I look forward to updating you more later :)

Flower Communion

So few people understand our UU faith, and its inclusiveness - not exclusive.... I thought I would share a peice of what our coming service will be. 

BUUF Flower Communion

We share our much-loved Flower Communion, based on the Czech Unitarian minister Norbert Capeks brillant concept: Capek wanted to have a religious, loving ties symbolized by traditional bread-and-wine communion, but without the Catholic overtones. 

As he did, we'll bring flowers to the church, put them in riotous bouquets in front of the chalice, then when the time comes, we come forward and each person takes away a flower that someone else brought. Many of us bring more than one flower, so that newcomers and those who have forgotten will be able to partake. We figure it's like life: Sometimes you have just enough; Sometimes you have a little extra, which you can share; And sometimes your hands are empty and you need the love of friends to fill them.

I cant wait for this Sunday!

AMAZING Church Message

This past Sunday I was just blown away by a simple tale our Rev. told us. She opened with this - 

"A young woman who was very enlightened, and could speak directly to God decided one day to ask God a question. "I want to understand the real difference between Heaven and Hell, please". God replied, "My child, it would be easiest to show you the difference." 

Quickly they were in a beautiful room. This room had a huge table with amazing foods. And at first glance, there are people sitting around these huge tables enjoying themselves. But taking a closer look, you realize that all of the people in the room have arms that do not bend. There elbows were locked and they could not reach their own mouths. This room filled with wonderful foods - was a disaster. Because these people could not reach their mouths, they were tossing the food in the air trying to catch it. There was mashed potatoes sticking to the ceiling, prime rib dropping on peoples heads, cream pies flying up and simply falling all over. These people were surrounded by the best foods in the world, and starving. "This must be Hell!" the woman exclaimed to God. With a nod, they left the room and entered into another room. 

This room was an exact replica of the first room. The tables were exactly the same, the food was perfect as the first, and the people had locked arms unable to bend them to feed themselves.  "But God, I don't understand, if the first room is Hell, this cannot be Heaven! Its exactly the same" the woman exclaimed. "No my child, look closer". Once the woman began to look closer, she began watching the people hug (with straight, non bending arms, they still embraced). And as they shared the meals happily, instead of food flying - she saw them feed each other. Not a person in the room was different from the first group, but these souls were not starving.  They learned to help each other, grow stronger as a community of people. They were not limited at all. They were whole together. That was Heaven and the woman understood."

Now of course, I am paraphrasing. Our Rev. said this story so simply and with such a tone that it must has struck me like a fucking ton of bricks. I began realizing that I might have achieved my own "Heaven". How very lucky I feel to be surrounded daily by this insanely miraculous life that I chose. How ever did I get so lucky?

I have the most amazing marriage, that truly encompasses the core of our Rev's story. We lean on each other, not limited by our weaknesses and our faults, but strengthened by the ability to carry each other when we need to. Not fighting our way to how we can do it alone and who is better, but recognizing that we are the best we ever can be together. One beam in a home cannot hold up a whole roof - but two strong walls can hold the roof and fill the home. Its so easy to forget how grateful you are. How very much your soul mate is a lifesaver for you in times of need, but is also the person you want there not just in need, but to laugh and enjoy life with as well. 

I am so blessed with my family. Growing up the way I did, I was so bitter at the word "family". Who the hell needed a family when all they did was drink, cheat, beat, lie, and pretend to love. I rejected all things that even came close to the prospect of having a family.... How could I have known that my very family was the essence of my being. 

How did I get so lucky? I'm so overwhelmed typing, that I am welling up in tears. My children are such a blessing. How wonderful that I am on this path. Those two little girls have taught me so much about myself, and what innocence is, why its sacred, and I understand my place as their mother. 

I think the story at church hit me like a ton of bricks because I understood the sense of community in Heaven. I understood how VITAL that was. I have the most amazing husband, wonderful children, and the best friend anyone could ask for. I have someone to hand me a piece of food if I am crippled. 

Wow. What a blessing.