So, for now, expect limited blogging for a bit :)
BUT - this is my new lovely thought to share with the world that I've pondered this week.......
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Cooked.
Damon cooked my computer. Literally, he stuck the motherboard in the oven!
So, for now, expect limited blogging for a bit :)
BUT - this is my new lovely thought to share with the world that I've pondered this week.......
So, for now, expect limited blogging for a bit :)
BUT - this is my new lovely thought to share with the world that I've pondered this week.......
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Engagement
Life is marching on around here. This past weekend we were blessed to spend some great time with our family. My brother is getting married - so an engagement party was put on by her grandmother.
It was nice to see them together so happy - and nice to be together with our family too.
Aurora blowing bubbles at Rafa & Sybrina's engagement party.
My mom Peggy, Damon, Daunika and Declan all relaxing and catching up at the family gathering Sunday.
My gorgeous husband enjoying some cake :) Well... it should have been cake but it ended up being 60% whip cream, 40% cake. He liked it that way.
My sister and her gorgeous little man Kayden moved to Idaho this past weekend too. She is such a great mother. It's great to see. I hope her being here means I get to see her more, though I doubt it.
These are the two love birds we're celebrating!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Sunday Status
New things to learn...
Many books are worthy of re-reading. You can see the wear on the top, the signs of a well loved book.
Meditation. Perhaps I should remember this more!
While I typically don't think a Sunday Status is for posting family photos because it's the journey of my soul - this one really belongs here. It's been a hard summer, a hard month, there's been a million emergency budgetary meetings, late nights and early mornings. We're burning the candle on all ends and staying united and strong. I look at the above photo.... it was taken today by our 6 year old. It's no special event. We're in work clothes, relaxed clothes. We're out by the depot. We're living day to day, united. Strong. Happy.
This photo belongs because it's profound and mine. I love my marriage, I really truly do.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
My Ally
Woowee... Totally feeling a bit naked after that last post, but hey - it needed said and although it's a bit naked feeling, it's a lot free-ing of a feeling to put it out there and hopefully stop the commentary :)
So, part 2! What the heck does being an orphan, a heros journey and Jesus all have in common with me? Oh man. I have about a million pages of journaling on this, so bear with me while I try not to puke it all too scattered but form a great blog post of hope!
Hopefully you all read the Hero's Journey post I linked in the last post. And the archetype explanation. Since I've been deeply studying my own inner workings recently, I realized how much of my habits really resonated with the Orphan mentality. I was always shopping for a new family (not my literal husband and children, but mentally searching through lives, still trying them on to see if they fit) and I realized it came from a lack of belonging. Belonging and Fitting In are two VERY different things. I've been fitting in for years, that is - I can do what is needed to not cause a stir, but belonging is a totally different aspect of the soul that I am beginning to understand.
My hero's journey starts with my "normal" life. Then the life style change of losing perceived family members became 'the Call'. This call was one that I refused, kicked and screamed through honestly. I hurt in ways I didn't know I could hurt! It sucked all around. But as I began the descend... I felt the layers of my previous self dying. I'm absolutely certain it's why I no longer weigh well over 200 lbs, all that fluff literally fell off as parts of me died and became something I wanted to leave behind. It was dark, ugly work. It was hard and scary and lonely.
In the best explained Hero's Journey I've heard yet, after the descend into the darkness, the death of the self is the Hook. This is a literal statement for where your soul hangs. You wait and wait. You ponder and knowing you cannot go back - you hang. Then come your allies. (and for me, here comes the Jesus part of this journey!)
Allies come in many shapes and forms. They are those who stand as a beacon of hope for you. They ask you to not look back but to reach forward. To remove yourself from the hook (its a choice) and to arise from the death victorious. They are unconditional and unfailing. They are those who understand the journey themselves and have been there. They don't force, push or question, they stand with their encouragement and ask you to dare to live again!
On this hook, I came to find a new Ally - Jesus. Now, for some people this is really easy to admit. For me, I feel a bit like I just said Santa Claus or Lucky Leprechauns. Or at least, my previous self definitely thought of it that way!! But what about this ally called to my soul so deeply that I cannot go back now? Good question.
I'm not sure I can explain it accurately but it is to say that anyone anywhere in the world that has needed an ally and has journeyed this path can understand that this ally is mine. Strange to relate his example as an ally. I've had many times where I've needed it! I've had people explain his presence in their lives as like a family member (well, given the orphan feeling I am reconciling, I can understand how that completely did NOT appeal to me!). I've heard you need saved, you need this and that and the other.... Maybe, but to me, as I hung on the hook, this Ally reached out and encouraged my soul to change!
It's not without great difficultly. It means questioning if "I fit in anywhere".. What a fucking dumb question! I mean really, aren't I a grown up? Shesh. But alas, I have to practice self compassion and forgive myself before I move forward. Fitting in has been so much of my life that I long to belong now in a way that I didn't want to fit in before. I worry that perhaps claiming my ally being Jesus that I will lose this place I'm in with friends, family members, with people unknown to me who figured I was too 'eclectic' to 'have Jesus'. Who knows. It feels vulnerable though.
There's more - there are those who want to force me into fitting in again. Those who call out my nose ring as if to point out that it's somehow going to be the first thing that Jesus is going to scream at me? Oh man. I have to practice compassion toward others too huh? It's easier to be angry, but in reality, being on this journey isn't about others - it's MY journey. This is MY ally. This is MY family and MY choice.
To be the authentic version of myself, right now, in this space and in this moment - I cannot and will not shrink away from this critically important ally of mine. I'm terrified, losing ground in this world and feeling more powerful in another. I am so incredibly humbled in this journey. Through the loss of my previous life, the layers of dying and still trying to breathe through it, the feeling of unknown. Hanging on the hook, knowing what was is dead, waiting.... I heard the new call - My ally, Jesus was waiting for me.
What a journey it's been!
So, part 2! What the heck does being an orphan, a heros journey and Jesus all have in common with me? Oh man. I have about a million pages of journaling on this, so bear with me while I try not to puke it all too scattered but form a great blog post of hope!
Hopefully you all read the Hero's Journey post I linked in the last post. And the archetype explanation. Since I've been deeply studying my own inner workings recently, I realized how much of my habits really resonated with the Orphan mentality. I was always shopping for a new family (not my literal husband and children, but mentally searching through lives, still trying them on to see if they fit) and I realized it came from a lack of belonging. Belonging and Fitting In are two VERY different things. I've been fitting in for years, that is - I can do what is needed to not cause a stir, but belonging is a totally different aspect of the soul that I am beginning to understand.
My hero's journey starts with my "normal" life. Then the life style change of losing perceived family members became 'the Call'. This call was one that I refused, kicked and screamed through honestly. I hurt in ways I didn't know I could hurt! It sucked all around. But as I began the descend... I felt the layers of my previous self dying. I'm absolutely certain it's why I no longer weigh well over 200 lbs, all that fluff literally fell off as parts of me died and became something I wanted to leave behind. It was dark, ugly work. It was hard and scary and lonely.
In the best explained Hero's Journey I've heard yet, after the descend into the darkness, the death of the self is the Hook. This is a literal statement for where your soul hangs. You wait and wait. You ponder and knowing you cannot go back - you hang. Then come your allies. (and for me, here comes the Jesus part of this journey!)
Allies come in many shapes and forms. They are those who stand as a beacon of hope for you. They ask you to not look back but to reach forward. To remove yourself from the hook (its a choice) and to arise from the death victorious. They are unconditional and unfailing. They are those who understand the journey themselves and have been there. They don't force, push or question, they stand with their encouragement and ask you to dare to live again!
On this hook, I came to find a new Ally - Jesus. Now, for some people this is really easy to admit. For me, I feel a bit like I just said Santa Claus or Lucky Leprechauns. Or at least, my previous self definitely thought of it that way!! But what about this ally called to my soul so deeply that I cannot go back now? Good question.
I'm not sure I can explain it accurately but it is to say that anyone anywhere in the world that has needed an ally and has journeyed this path can understand that this ally is mine. Strange to relate his example as an ally. I've had many times where I've needed it! I've had people explain his presence in their lives as like a family member (well, given the orphan feeling I am reconciling, I can understand how that completely did NOT appeal to me!). I've heard you need saved, you need this and that and the other.... Maybe, but to me, as I hung on the hook, this Ally reached out and encouraged my soul to change!
It's not without great difficultly. It means questioning if "I fit in anywhere".. What a fucking dumb question! I mean really, aren't I a grown up? Shesh. But alas, I have to practice self compassion and forgive myself before I move forward. Fitting in has been so much of my life that I long to belong now in a way that I didn't want to fit in before. I worry that perhaps claiming my ally being Jesus that I will lose this place I'm in with friends, family members, with people unknown to me who figured I was too 'eclectic' to 'have Jesus'. Who knows. It feels vulnerable though.
There's more - there are those who want to force me into fitting in again. Those who call out my nose ring as if to point out that it's somehow going to be the first thing that Jesus is going to scream at me? Oh man. I have to practice compassion toward others too huh? It's easier to be angry, but in reality, being on this journey isn't about others - it's MY journey. This is MY ally. This is MY family and MY choice.
To be the authentic version of myself, right now, in this space and in this moment - I cannot and will not shrink away from this critically important ally of mine. I'm terrified, losing ground in this world and feeling more powerful in another. I am so incredibly humbled in this journey. Through the loss of my previous life, the layers of dying and still trying to breathe through it, the feeling of unknown. Hanging on the hook, knowing what was is dead, waiting.... I heard the new call - My ally, Jesus was waiting for me.
What a journey it's been!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Orphan
I have been on a journey... many sleepless nights, moments running as fast as I can to burn off the negative, many times spent praying because.. well.. because. I'm pretty sure this journey is nothing more than my life.
In the year has been an amazing one. We've moved, added a family member, lost family members, stepped up, stepped back, took workshops, committed to discipline, worked hard, laughed a lot, cried a good amount, and generally grew. As I sit here this morning with my second daughter and sing E-I-E-I-O, I'm humbled. What I realize is my dreams for her are pretty much never to become the woman I am sitting here today. Strange, but true.
I am an orphan. Ok, so let's take a step back - because just jumping in hurts like a punching a freshly broken arm! This year as we've grown and lost, the same reoccurring theme comes to mind - Belonging. This isn't something small, it's not about fitting in. It's a place your soul, your being, your heart calls home. It's faith, deep, meaningful space that consumes and fills and recharges the worn and battered moments. I am no stranger to this concept being elusive.
A few months ago I was enlightened to look at The Heros Journey anew. It wasn't something I hadn't heard before - but this time it was speaking straight to me. One of the best things I read this year on this topic I won't try to summarize - it can be found Empathy & The Heros Journey.
Well, back to this I'm an Orphan statement - that is my archetype I battle as I sit here, in a warm home, my family around, and it threatens to strangle me. I think most people believe I'm one of those super human strong idiots that doesn't allow life to phase them. It's not really true - I actually have a heart and a soul and this journey is mine. There is a difference between feeling and falling apart. I'm walking that line with courage today, and everyday.
When you grow up knowing you were an unwanted child, it does something to your being. You calculate your moves as to not upset someone because they might leave. You 'shop' for new lives, new parents, new families that you might fit in. It's not something I knew I was actively doing, but in hind sight - absolutely. It's really not that sad and I'm not whining about it now... More so, I'm trying to learn how being childlike, vulerable and courageous all fit into my adult life.
Since I grew up family-less, something deep inside of me stirs when you bring up providing a family for my children. I want them to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Somewhere etched in their being as 'belonging' and 'home'. That unconditional space (that will never be perfect but it exists and is theirs!) that will fill their memories for generations to come... I want them to have what I didn't in essence? Perhaps. Well, here's the truth - finding your family as an adult can be hard, gut wrenching, soul shaking, vulnerable scary work. When you find out people don't want you, it's personal. It's not a global statement - it's a deep and personal wound that I have had the courage to stand up again from.
Who remains? Well, I'm certain over the last year there has been speculation, gossip and conversation. Well meaning strangers who ask about so and so, interested-yet-not-willing-to-bluntly-ask women who ask another person instead of asking me directly but while I stood in the same room... etc. Being inspired this weekend listening to general conference, I knew several things were clear and I was going to do my best to end all gossip. So those who inquire - in the recent years my perception of family consisted of another family in my mind. It's over, so please stop wondering. It was a choice by them to decide (me in particular) didn't fit in their family (loosely defined, family = something that sticks despite challenges, something you actively maintain by effort) and I am still standing strong. However, please don't gossip, pretend it didn't hurt and that it isn't still a logistical challenge of making sure my children never cross paths with theirs because the last thing I want is my children to be told their evil too. So things like avoiding swimming pools they wanted to see, frequenting a different library, etc all are a part of their reality now.
With compassion, strength and courage, I start again. It's OK! Don't spread like wild fire that there is a clear good and bad in this situation. We're just a family that didn't fit with anothers, and me in particular still an orphan who refuses to give up hope. I'm not implying it's not hard, but hard things are not new and do not shatter the whole world for me. Yes, I've been sad. Deep, soul searching, gut wrenching sadness that slices straight to the core and doubt creeps in again to say 'yet again, you weren't good enough to build a family with'. It's not a new feeling, but unlike a childhood mentality - I know different! So, fuck off false thinking :)
Here's the one fact that remains - I belong. While I am uncertain where, I know I do because it's a part of me. I'm done fitting in. I'm sorry if that sucks for those reading this, but I can't shrink, grow, or be forced into religious, social, or socioeconomic status to 'belong' with others. I cannot exactly explain the feeling of belonging I've come to understand but the very same person who hates me once freed me with a simple "It's Christs church" statement.
So what the heck does this Orphan archetype and Hero's Journey and JESUS have to do with me?!
Holy heck - it's good. Stick around for for part 2 (which will have to come some other day, life calls!)
In the year has been an amazing one. We've moved, added a family member, lost family members, stepped up, stepped back, took workshops, committed to discipline, worked hard, laughed a lot, cried a good amount, and generally grew. As I sit here this morning with my second daughter and sing E-I-E-I-O, I'm humbled. What I realize is my dreams for her are pretty much never to become the woman I am sitting here today. Strange, but true.
I am an orphan. Ok, so let's take a step back - because just jumping in hurts like a punching a freshly broken arm! This year as we've grown and lost, the same reoccurring theme comes to mind - Belonging. This isn't something small, it's not about fitting in. It's a place your soul, your being, your heart calls home. It's faith, deep, meaningful space that consumes and fills and recharges the worn and battered moments. I am no stranger to this concept being elusive.
A few months ago I was enlightened to look at The Heros Journey anew. It wasn't something I hadn't heard before - but this time it was speaking straight to me. One of the best things I read this year on this topic I won't try to summarize - it can be found Empathy & The Heros Journey.
Well, back to this I'm an Orphan statement - that is my archetype I battle as I sit here, in a warm home, my family around, and it threatens to strangle me. I think most people believe I'm one of those super human strong idiots that doesn't allow life to phase them. It's not really true - I actually have a heart and a soul and this journey is mine. There is a difference between feeling and falling apart. I'm walking that line with courage today, and everyday.
When you grow up knowing you were an unwanted child, it does something to your being. You calculate your moves as to not upset someone because they might leave. You 'shop' for new lives, new parents, new families that you might fit in. It's not something I knew I was actively doing, but in hind sight - absolutely. It's really not that sad and I'm not whining about it now... More so, I'm trying to learn how being childlike, vulerable and courageous all fit into my adult life.
Since I grew up family-less, something deep inside of me stirs when you bring up providing a family for my children. I want them to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Somewhere etched in their being as 'belonging' and 'home'. That unconditional space (that will never be perfect but it exists and is theirs!) that will fill their memories for generations to come... I want them to have what I didn't in essence? Perhaps. Well, here's the truth - finding your family as an adult can be hard, gut wrenching, soul shaking, vulnerable scary work. When you find out people don't want you, it's personal. It's not a global statement - it's a deep and personal wound that I have had the courage to stand up again from.
Who remains? Well, I'm certain over the last year there has been speculation, gossip and conversation. Well meaning strangers who ask about so and so, interested-yet-not-willing-to-bluntly-ask women who ask another person instead of asking me directly but while I stood in the same room... etc. Being inspired this weekend listening to general conference, I knew several things were clear and I was going to do my best to end all gossip. So those who inquire - in the recent years my perception of family consisted of another family in my mind. It's over, so please stop wondering. It was a choice by them to decide (me in particular) didn't fit in their family (loosely defined, family = something that sticks despite challenges, something you actively maintain by effort) and I am still standing strong. However, please don't gossip, pretend it didn't hurt and that it isn't still a logistical challenge of making sure my children never cross paths with theirs because the last thing I want is my children to be told their evil too. So things like avoiding swimming pools they wanted to see, frequenting a different library, etc all are a part of their reality now.
With compassion, strength and courage, I start again. It's OK! Don't spread like wild fire that there is a clear good and bad in this situation. We're just a family that didn't fit with anothers, and me in particular still an orphan who refuses to give up hope. I'm not implying it's not hard, but hard things are not new and do not shatter the whole world for me. Yes, I've been sad. Deep, soul searching, gut wrenching sadness that slices straight to the core and doubt creeps in again to say 'yet again, you weren't good enough to build a family with'. It's not a new feeling, but unlike a childhood mentality - I know different! So, fuck off false thinking :)
Here's the one fact that remains - I belong. While I am uncertain where, I know I do because it's a part of me. I'm done fitting in. I'm sorry if that sucks for those reading this, but I can't shrink, grow, or be forced into religious, social, or socioeconomic status to 'belong' with others. I cannot exactly explain the feeling of belonging I've come to understand but the very same person who hates me once freed me with a simple "It's Christs church" statement.
So what the heck does this Orphan archetype and Hero's Journey and JESUS have to do with me?!
Holy heck - it's good. Stick around for for part 2 (which will have to come some other day, life calls!)
Monday, October 8, 2012
Another week of Great!
Kalani loves water. Only recently did she discover something she might love more than water - thats chewing on wash cloths! One focused baby this week as she got her 4th tooth in. 2 on top, 2 on bottom :)
Occasionally mommy gets captured in the moment of being mommy. It's a good life indeed.
Our big kid loves knitting on dual point needles. Who knew? She dyed this yarn herself with koolaid and we are making it into mittens and a hat for winter! YAY!
My darling husband also got older this week. The kids and I had a great time making this poster for him full of some fun candy. Of course, I didn't realize that meant for the next 2 days Declan would be literally chewing through the packages on the poster board!
BUT - Damon loved it!
And Daunika, the original creator of giving Dad skittles (totally separate from this, but my launch point for this idea) made him some cool art too :)
Sunday Status 10.7.12
Another week, another victory in this journey!
Here's a glimpse into what I've focused on this week...
We are getting anywhere from 12-18 eggs a day!
My loving husband fixed our mixer!
And with our mixer and our eggs...
We made dinner and brought it to someone we knew was feeling under the weather. Serving together has a a way of unifying a home.
This weekend was general conference.... so much to ponder.
And with our mixer and our eggs...
This weekend was general conference.... so much to ponder.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Sunday Status Sep 30
In an effort to keep up with my spinning world - Sunday Status is probably going to be a series of weekly updates. A glimpse of reality in the life of this soul trying to grow :)
Sometimes this is a hard one to remember. But that's been my focus this week. It's been a rocky week to say the least.
In practical life, I'm pretty sure we're going to fall in love with the use of Mint.com for our financial tracking. It's not exactly perfect, but after trying YNAB, it's better than that and syncs with our accounts, tracks our goals... just all around more motivating and on the go for us. I am excited for what this tool could bring us!
Last thought of the day... This is a good one :)
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