Nearly a month after my road trip, I am still pondering the lessons I was meant to learn on the second leg of my trip. As I have had time to reflect, investigate, meditate and pray over the Washington portion of my family journey - I knew I needed this month to at least calm everything inside of myself. In the last month, I realized I was mourning. The first portion of my journey went so fantastic, why couldn't the second half? Why me? What had I done wrong? Wouldn't anyone ever forgive ME?! And then I realized - That is the WRONG way to think. With all that thinking, you would begin to believe the world revolved around me. Bull shit. It simply doesn't and I'm not going to pretend it does. Adults make their own decisions and sometimes a clear message is sent - We are not meant to be family, period.
A gloomy ending to my joyous family trip? Not in the least. While it did appear to end ugly and bitter, I left the situation solid and steady. I have the most amazing marriage, and that dear husband of mine respected me enough to never speak for me. It's been interesting to hear his instincts are to protect me when I appear to be attacked and scared, but I appreciate him so much for holding back and letting me regain control and make the decision to leave not out of haste or fury, but out of the seeking of the light. It is not the ugly I run from, it's the light I seek. I learned that if some portions of our family cannot be light, they are not acceptable near me. I have spent far too many years hanging myself for really ugly teen years. I"m ready to surround myself with people who seek the light too!
Let's face it, my teen years sucked. They were dangerous, bitter, risky, scary, thrilling and bonding. I was basically alone in a world that was too scary for me to even venture out into and I was deeply processing severe abuse that happen to me as a young child. I didn't have the resources to reach out to professional help and the few adults in Seattle I happen to meet hated me to my core. Sometimes I think it would be easier to hate them - but instead, I am learning compassionate resilience and beautiful strength. I have let go and allowed myself to first forgive myself and also forgive the others that surrounded me. Does that mean we can all do that? Nope.
I learned that on my trip. Just because my family had grown into something amazing, strong and beautiful does not mean that all of those had made the same journey, not everyone saw our brilliant happiness as a good thing. Not everyone loved us. It is not my right to judge nor understand the depth of someones suffering. Screaming, tears, fury, rage, terror, sorrow. That is how my visit with one portion of our 'family' ended. But did that have to ruin my family trip? NOPE!!!
It was awesome actually. I set out to learn about myself, deepen my family ties, learn about others, show solidarity in adversity, and be the best damn version of myself. While it's true I did engage in less than virtuous actions when I felt threatened and felt my family was harmed. It's an act of God I held it together and didn't punch someone, but that wouldn't have been the best me right? I DID IT! I cannot tell you how AWESOME it feels. I faced something terrifying - someone genuinely hated me - and I didn't run crying nor did I beat the living shit out of them. WOW! I tell ya, this growing up thing is so beautiful :)
I was no where close to perfect, but wow! It was so awesome to curl up in that motel room with my husband, our beautiful children piled on top of us, my sister and her beautiful baby there too - and realize that THIS was what it was all about. I had the most amazing marriage, the best damn kids, and I did indeed reconnect with some family. And, despite everything, I refused to allow it to knock me down further.
I did not leave the state in a hasty furious rage or whine and cry poor me all the way home. Nope. I slowly enjoyed my final day in Seattle by taking my amazing kids to the Zoo!! It's an amazing feeling to not let anyone knock you down. My kids will remember that despite adversity - their mother and father were solid and united together, that they were unconditionally loved through the fight with others and that it did not impact our happiness or plans. Our kids and our family is too strong, too awesome, too FUN to miss out!
I mourn what will never be. The mourning is actually sorrow I feel from the loss of "how it could have been". That sounds dumb, but I really thought things were different. I am so sad to think of my children terrified and asking to never see people again, and I know that we wont. This is the end of a lesson, and I have learned much. This is a goodbye to some, and that really is ok. I have resisted calling and I have resisted blaming myself or others. It isn't a war that anyone can win... It's better to say good bye and pray for peace.
Now I will move on to the next and new exciting thing in my life... Next blogs - the awesome pictures of our zoo trip, our move, our new home, our new family addition, and general AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!
