Not lost in the middle

I am the oldest child in my strange family. Both paternal and maternal, there is no argument - I came first. I can easily relate to adults that are often oldest children, or the leading strongly sibling among their families. I often feel like it is in me to dive first, not watch someone do it first...

But I want to understand the other roles in sibling and family dynamics.My desire to understand the individual in each place in a family is pretty simple: I want to understand my children for being themselves, not in anyone's shadow. I'll be the first to admit it's tricky. I often have my plate full, a baby to nurse, a toddler to clean, school to prep for our oldest... but what about my baby in the middle? Our darling Aurora, not quite a toddler, yet not fully a big kid.

I'm acutely aware of her, and not, all at once. She is quieter than my other children. Content to often watch the actions of others before diving right in. Once diving in, she is joyful and such a bright light to watch open up and play. In an effort to not miss this lovely stage in between with her, we've spent some quality one-on-one time together for the last couple weeks. Aurora is like me, she naturally rises early. She wakes up fully ready to go instead of taking 30 minutes to wake up like our oldest and my husband...

These mornings together we have spent time reading books, playing Starfall together, snuggling and talking. Watching her have a conversation is always fascinating and I love it! She listens intently and thinks a lot before responding.

I've heard many people ask 'how can big families work, don't you lose some in the middle?'... Well, maybe in some families, but I am really hoping never to become that family. I am really working hard to capture the happiness and light each of our children bring us. They each have a special space that is uniquely theirs... its magical.

I'm falling in love all over again with Aurora, I love being her mother. She has so much to teach me about the world with her little soul that sees so much....

First Time

I saw the above picture on Facebook this week and loved it. Aren't we always in pursuit of renewing ourselves and growing? I sure as hell know I am. Recently I went through a loss, not major, not minor, just a loss. It's not good, it's not bad either; It just is.

But it did make me think - how will I respond? Well, I'll tell you what I'm not going to do: I'm not going to cry about it, I'm not going to whine and whimper. I'm sure as shit not going to shrink or hide either! When I lost my childhood, I had to realize it wasn't good or bad, it just was. I didn't have a family to carry forward into my adulthood, really. But holding on to that mental "need" was like holding on to a knife - I hadn't realized it was cutting so deep until I let go and examined the wound.

Well - HERE I COME NEW LIFE!!! Woo hoo. Take a moment and recognize the sheer power God is gifting you in this moment - you can create whatever you want, this moment is yours. You inherently are powerful, you come from an amazing place that is pure and bliss.

So, what am I going to do now that I'm breathing new life? Well, let's see...

- Run a rototiller -

- Fall in love with whole foods -

- Reach out to the amazing friends I have -

- Capture something amazing and print in on canvas - 

- Collect eggs for the first time -

- Pray with a sincere faith -  

- Fall in love with living, again - 

- Date night, I'm going to need a new dress -

And to think, that is just this month! I cannot tell you how powerful I feel in this moment. To hold my head high, to bloom in this new soil, and know that there is no limit to the amount of wonder this world can offer me. To feel like a child and come into this space feeling new and refreshed.

This new version of me is going to be fabulous, I know it. The best version of me is still ahead... 

Five Months Old!

Aye! Another month has passed...

Check out what this little lady is doing!!! Oh man, she's stellar fun I tell ya. 

She is fascinated with the camera... It makes her strike this face often!

And her smile just warms your soul even on the worst of days!

Field Trip: Nampa Public Safety Building

I think this is one of our first "official" field trips! Sure, we go to the library, the zoo, the parks, the discover center.... but I honestly think this is our first guided tour of something with our kids. Last week a local homeschool family organized going and touring the new Nampa Public Safety Building. It included seeing bomb tanks, armored cars, police dog and police car, getting to witness a LIVE 911 call and taking a sobriety test!

Much of this was over my children's comprehension - but we all had a great time being near our friends out in the community! There were so many of us - we split into 4 groups. This is our group checking out the armored car and bomb tank areas!

Then we went upstairs to the third floor - this is where live 911 calls were seen in action. Very cool!

And who doesn't think children should pass field sobriety tests? Ha.

It was a much bigger group than we expected to see!

This is one of the gorgeous drug dogs. We learned that the police force doesn't use german shepards much any more - they prefer lab/retriever dogs!

Lots of versions of police cars to see!

Declan of course loved the dog.....

And the car......... :)

City Children.... Farmer Adults...?

We looked like idiots... I'm sure of it. 

Two grown adults, standing in the middle of our yard, staring at what we thought was our irrigation. 

Yes, we are sure this is is... but why doesn't it work?!

This knob is new, this valve seems to turn nicely.... 

Nothing. 

Nada. 

Weeks go by, nothing. nada. 

And then.... my genius husband did it!

That right there folks is the pictures of victory. We really DID look like idiots, and we (cough, er, my husband) really did figure it out! HA! Why is this so important? Well, it is right next to this :

That is our garden space.... Yes, it's just a giant field of weeds, but in a way I cannot even begin to describe, this land is exactly what my soul needs. It cannot disappear, it cannot speed by, it cannot do anything but keep me in this moment, living my values as very best I know how to. This land is teaching me something I don't know how to do on my own... Just be. To work side by side with our children, to give back and use this earth for more than just a patch of grass... 

This land that we have settled on for this time is full of wonder! Check out the chickens... I mean, c'mon, to a city kid - this is COOL!

Those are our newest ladies.... We loved our first 10 chickens so much, we decided to get 15 more. I'm really a kid in a candy store. Or a busy woman just trying to stay present!

Our older ladies are awesome and getting really close to full grown.....

There's more....... Our kids worked super hard to earn money. With that money, they purchased this:

That's Russia. He's nifty. It's amazing how much you don't realize can distract you.... I have looked deeply at our lives to reflect and I'm so very thankful. I'm beginning to look at each and every joy as such a beautiful living act of God's mercy and love for us. It's indescribable. 

Every window of our home is filling up with glorious food bearing plants. This is just the beginning. That garden field is dated to be tilled up this coming week - a whole 150' x 60' of pure, gorgeous land. I hope I can learn what is needed to learn to feed my family from the land completely. 

This week I committed to do nothing more than be in this space. Each moment, to listen deeply for what to do, where to go, what to learn. And let me tell you, it's harder than it looks! To refuse to be knocked down, to be stomped or diminished by those things you have no control over. To jump off the cliff and know you'll fly or die - but staying on the edge isn't going to cut it any more. 

It's been a good week. Damon, my city-grown husband, is neck deep in a new remodel, several sprinkler installs, and in his free time - I have a honey-do-list a mile long for this land I want to cultivate.. The kids and I committed to jump off the edge and reach out to our community with a prayer and a heart - and we went to church at our local ward. I was absolutely stone cold terrified, but we survived and they loved it!

It's already a new week and while I sit here I am overwhelmed with all I have to be thankful for in my new 'farmer' life. 

It's the little things... listen up!

Have you ever walked into your home to chaos and realized that it wasn't all that chaotic? It's the little things that make your home really yours and you love it that way? I'm beginning to understand that truly being present in the moment encompasses enjoying the chaos that others might see that seems so non-chaotic to me.

I love our life. I really, truly, genuinely love my life with my husband and our children. Sure, I get burn out, overwhelmed and damn it - the third or forth time in a day that a tiny toy attacks my foot in the middle of the hall, yes I get mad! But I so love this life! It is not easy, glamorous or enviable. In fact, this morning while I was running late, feeling stressed and squawking at my husband that my life as a wife and mother was OH SO GLAMOROUS (note: this was while I was cleaning up a 2 year old who pooped allllllllll over the place!).

Despite the laundry sitting on my couch (which I have every intention on completely ignoring for a few more hours) and the dishes making babies in the kitchen - These small facts about my life are just a back drop. The real awe and wonder is the little things that make this home my whole life.

Like waking up in the morning after being out late with your mommy friends and finding this:

Or - the fact that homeschooling our children is pretty much the best thing in the world and my kid is a genius  who lets me know when she's done.

Or this arrangement by Aurora. When I asked her what they were doing she said they were loving each other and being a family.

Then of course, there is the amazing fact that Kalani and Declan sleep at the same nap time in the middle of the afternoon allowing me much needed "big kid" time and "mommy down time"!!!

No really... it is a sanity saver.

Then of course... there is coffee.... glorious stuff.

Then... there is the little love of ours that I get to snuggle... all.day.long!

And she's uuber cute when she falls asleep in the lay-z-boy!

But mostly... the little things that remind me that this chaos I call my life is so non-chaotic are four beautiful children that want nothing more than me to dedicate my life to them. How humbling.

And who could say no to these monsters?

They are teaching me one very simple thing in life....... 

To this I answer.... I'm listening!

Loose to Lost

For about a month, my child was so very determined to lose a tooth. She wiggled, chomped, chewed and pulled. We even wrote a chart of the best fruits and veggies to chew on as her "action plan".

She was victorious in her efforts:

Big Fields, Back Yards

What happens in the Huberty home when you take 3 awesome children and let the loose in their own yard? Ha. LOTS. One of the best things about our new place is the 'free range parenting' that is so essential to my home. I've often wondered if those 'other' people - ya know who they are, the ones that 'have it all together' and understand things like "schedules", "routines" and "commitments" - Well, sometimes, I wonder if they understand something I don't.

I've come to realize I'm not good with scheduled tasks. Maybe it's the gypsy in me that beckons to move, change, stir the pot too much to be confined to 'normal' life. Maybe someday my children will all wake up and need hours of therapy to process their childhood with an unconventional mother like ME (and according to some very close to me -everyone needs a therapist, so I guess we're covered then right?). Recently I read a blog that hit so close to home it nearly bowled me over.. Was there something to this meeting deadlines, being on time, and uh.. living on the worlds clock?

I have prayed, cried, laughed and been fuming mad about this interesting little blog that came my way recently... It's just one woman's position on a topic close to home. And maybe, someday, I'll come to love routine, scheduled tasks that take me on a new journey of discovery... but today, I am just thankful. I'm so very thankful for freedom. This free range home of ours is amazing. While everyone else was on someone elses clock - I got to run, play, laugh, and enjoy the wonder that are my children. I am so very thankful for this. Someday I will teach my children routines, deadlines and having their shit together - that world will absolutely hit them, and they will have the rest of their lives to understand it and live in it, so for now... I'll enjoy playing with them, for all too soon - they will out grow this small wonderful life with me and move on to tackle the great big world ahead of them. For now... I will play with them!

So what DOES happen when you let our kids loose in their own yard with a happy mama chasing them?

First there are the karate-like kicks....

We find balls to throw for Zoey...

There is enormous amounts of laughter.

It was windy.... there was a LOT of chasing balls 

We really fell in love with our huge yard!!

Whatever can be said about our choices in life, this I know is true - We are one amazing happy family..