Summer is coming to an end

I woke up this morning and my house was a perfect 60*. Cool enough for me to grab for a cup of chai tea and want to snuggle my babies and read all day with them. I'm so thankful we survived the season without air conditioning. I admit, I didn't think we would. I wondered how anyone could ask a pregnant woman to do that, wasn't that cruelty under some legal definition? But alas, we did make it past the hottest part and now we're headed to cooler and cooler days! 

August has been super productive around here. More canning, new work books for the kids to start, lots of swimming and having a great time. All around, we have enjoyed our summer. 

We continued to fill our pantry for the winter. This is a lovely batch (or 8 batches?) of salsa. I'm still in search of the perfect recipe. This one isn't exactly what I want either but each year, I get a bit closer.

Our big kids went to girl scout camp alone this year. Last year, I had the opportunity to attend with her and it was a blast!! This year she decided she wanted to do a "short and sweet" stay for 3 nights. She was not nervous at all, I'm so proud of her! She said she had an amazing time and next year wants to stay for 5 days because 3 was too short. She was excited to recognize some of the camp leaders from across the globe that were there last year. Next year we'll have TWO girl scouts going to camp. Amazing how fast they grow. 

We wrap up the summer with the fair. This year was super relaxed and just all around a great day. It didn't feel rushed or chaotic. We arrived about 130 and ended up leaving about 10! I'm excited for days to come when the big kids can have wrist bands for riding as many rides as they want and Damon and I can relax together doing whatever we want! 

End of summer has brought all sorts of fun and random events too. Meridian swimming pool did free swimming and we caught it on a Friday afternoon that was perfect weather! After that, we hit Dutch Bros for $1 strawberry smoothies at a new locations grand opening. The kids were thrilled and it was totally budget friendly!! The uppper photo is after a quick trip to Fred Meyer. I just wanted a couple boxes of tea and Teaccino but the kids ended up with cookies and balloons for free. Such happy squeals the whole way home!

There is also a good amount of hanging out and enjoying life. These little people are so amazing. They come up with the most creative games and stories. 

Daunika learned how to make lanyards at camp this year and brought home the love of making them. Aurora quickly picked up the craft and is loving her lanyard! Both girls have made a couple each now and are enjoying the different color combinations. 

Sometimes I get caught up in the worry of motherhood. Am I doing enough for them? with them? Will they look back on their childhoods with fond memories and happiness? I think it's normal to question those important aspects in life... and sometimes, I'm stopped dead in my tracks when a pure happiness moment comes to my attention that I realize they might actually have a good life.

This was one of those moments. I was getting myself a drink of water and looked outside the window to see this. Daunika and Aurora, sitting under the canopy of our beloved walnut tree. Side by side, each eating a vanilla ice cream cone I just scooped them and talking about life. What a marvelous sight to behold. No agenda, no rush. No places to be or people to see. Just two sisters, enjoying the summer afternoon together.

Sometimes the best things in life are the simple things. We haven't seen a lot of my lovely husband this summer. A combination of buying a house, having a baby, me not working, and continued growth of our business have been the perfect recipe for busy busy busy. When we can, we take these precious moments. Saturday night he didn't get home until after 9:30 pm. But we built a fire, got out marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate and enjoyed some relaxed family time. We also crawled onto the trampoline as an entire family and laid down to enjoy the stars. It was a clear night, not too cold and what else is there to do at 10:30 on a summer night? We crawled in bed at 11:30, exhausted and happy.

I'm looking forward to cooler weather continuing. This summer has been a beautiful, chaotic, busy summer. I can't wait to see what fall brings us! 

Busy summer

If you could see me at the moment, you'd think I hadn't slept in a week! Some exhaustion has caught up with me this week. I'm working diligently at getting all of our stuff in order so that when our little one arrives that I can rest and relax. Somehow, I think my version of rest might be others versions of running around like a chicken with their head cut off but that's ok :)

Right now, my lawn hasn't been mowed in a month, my dishes weren't done yesterday and my current plans for the day include trying to stay awake! But reflecting back, it's been a busy and very productive summer so far.

My garden has been sadly neglected this year. Instead, I've opted to buy produce from local farms and can that food. We've also had a blast picking fruit many times this year! (that is a picture of 30 pounds of green beans and some spicy dilly beans I canned)

I am so excited for my blackberries to turn into a jungle like this!! We canned 50 pounds of blackberries this year, 20 pounds of blueberries and 18 pounds of raspberries. 

Daunika's making blackberry jam in this picture. 

The jars above are filled with black beans and you can see blackberries in the flats that we picked. 

My "appocolypse" room is looking pretty cool this year. I still feel like I have so much to do. Someone please tell my tomatoes they MUST ripen this week so that I can have salsa for my family. 

Fear not... It's not all work-work-work around here. 

Our kids are having a stellar summer just being KIDS. 

Hours of jumping on the trampoline.

The dirt piles are still a hit around here. This pile has the most rocks in it and the kids decided last week to make flags for each of them and created a very elaborate game of "claiming" the land. It was very cute. 

In true Huberty fashion, I'm sure a billion library books have been read this summer. 

Ice cream has been enjoyed. Who doesn't need a scoop now and then when it's 100 degrees outside? 

Especially when the inside of your home reads this temp! 

IHOP pancake date? Sure. And doesn't everyone eat fries with stacks of pancakes? 

In the coming weeks, we have girl scout camp for Daunika, major dentist appointments for the kids, finishing getting ready for our new arrival and try to enjoy the sunshine. 

I should mow the lawn. I need to make freezer meals. 

I need to shampoo my carpets. 

I need to take more photos of the kids. I'm majorly slacking there. 

I need to see my extended family more, I miss my siblings. 

I need, I want, I should............. But nope. I'm one person doing the best I can and that's good enough. 

You too. 

Reunions are heavy loads when someone is missing.

Every couple years, as is the tradition of many families, our extended family on my Mom's side has a Family Reunion. People come from all over (including other countries some years!) to gather and catch up. I believe strongly in the tradition and love them. This year was different.

Family reunions are always so tricky. Let's start with the basic facts - My mom was the oldest of 5 children. She was the only one to ever move out of the state of Idaho. She married in the fall of 1961 and moved away immediately. In 1966 her first child was born and they welcomed another baby in 1969. Following her husbands career, she lived in Utah, California, Texas, Montana and Oregon. In 1987, I was born in Oregon to my Mom's daughter. Can you see where things begin to get strange? Of my 18 formative years, I remember living with my biological mother for about 4 of them total (not consecutively either).

Because we lived in another state, I think few people understood that my Mom was different than whom they believed. To further complicate the matter, my biological mother remarried and had two more children who lived with her. For the majority of my childhood, I did not live in the same home as my siblings. This puzzles our extended family.

What is the point of bringing up old news? Family reunions are a serious loss trigger for me I have learned. Especially when my Mom died in December and the biological mother was in attendance of said family reunion.

The map on the wall of our family line.... Of how the generations break down. Of where I "fit".... I could have torn the thing off the wall and lit it on fire. I wanted to scream and rage and cry and sob. MY mother was dead, why in the hell was I listed under someone who wasn't my mother? That "daughter" they had listed for my mom never once helped me plan Mom's funeral. Never once helped me as I sat hours in the ICU waiting to know the fate of my Mom. That "daughter" of hers, whom I was born, is neither mother nor daughter. And what of the adopted children from another cousin? Why do their children belong under their adopted parents and yet I am stuck with that horrified place of no one understanding? I felt so traumatized staring at that chart. Even my husband, who probably understands me more than anyone, might as well have slapped me when he said "why are you changing the chart, why does it matter to you?"

At that point, I shut off. I had to self protect. MY mom is sitting in a box in my fucking living room. MY mom DIED. Did everyone miss the fact that I spent two weeks and countless hours in the hospital making every decision for her? Did people miss that I signed papers for hospice? Did yall sleep through those hours when I planned the funeral flowers and cake and who was speaking? Did anyone notice that I had to write an obituary for the first time in my life at 26? I surely didn't miss any of that!

How do we qualify who counts as a Mom? Because I sure as shit know that the person who helped me through chicken pox, who taught me how to make jam and the woman who listened as I was terrified that I would fail at motherhood wasn't in attendance of this years family reunion. At 70 years old, she died. She'll never meet her youngest grandchild. She'll never see another kids art piece or be on the other end of the phone when I'm having a complete shit day.

I'm headed through the stages of grief again. I'm fully aware of the trigger and dealing with it. I feel the heavy weight of sadness and bone-deep exhaustion that comes from intense emotional processing. I'm reminded that I can do hard things. I can and will find the amazing legacy of strength my mom encouraged me to find. Even in the end, she knew I could be strong for the both of us.

This was the crappiest family reunion of my life and I technically had more fun than any other I can remember. My kids were happy, my husband was with me the whole day, I saw people I genuinely enjoy and had fun dancing the night away with my happy kids.... and yet, I am acutely aware of someone missing.

Reunions are awesome - people get to brag about their kids, talk about their accomplishments, genuinely listen to each others successes and as I listened to one of my uncles be so incredibly proud of their grandkids, I realized that no grandparent would feel that kind of pride for my kids with the same closeness. My children have one grandparent left and I seriously doubt she's moving to Idaho anytime in this lifetime. I'm clueless on how to connect that gap when budgets scream that breathing air is expensive, who the hell can afford vacations? This last link matters. I should try harder to connect the generations. Perhaps tomorrow.

Blah. I'm sad. It's manifesting as angry because being angry is easier than feeling sad, it's my comfort zone.. It's less vulnerable that this hole of sadness. I'm working on it.

Someday I hope to leave a legacy of love and resilience too. 

I can do hard things. Today will sunset into tomorrow and tomorrow is always potential.