Vacation continues... and why I fell apart (part 2)

I left off our last blog with Tuesday evening. My children had a great time bowling with my hubby and his dad. I wish I could express completely how much it mattered to me that Damon fully and completely supported me in setting a limit of not wanting to see his dad. It wasn't something he thought I "should" do - he just peacefully accepted I had to set some limits and boundaries for my safety and health - and he loved me through it. I tell you, this man is a blessing to me in so many ways.

Setting aside Tuesday - though important to note because it led to lots of things - we entered Wednesday of our vacation! Super excited kiddos woke happily and we set off to spend the day with Damon's mom, Leslie! Pacific Science Center for the win! We all had a complete blast. Oh so fun.

We chose to skip actually going up the space needle because of our "little" kid stages - but Daunika was not disappointed, she was actually thrilled to walk around it outside and was openly shocked at how tall it was. Silly kid.

I think all my kids except Daunika were disappointed in the Lego exhibit. We hadn't researched it (because this is ME we're talking about and I never plan anything)... My kids wanted to be inspired AND to touch legos. This was an art gallery of incredible works, no touching involved. Daunika on the other hand really shined in this setting. She was well educated on many of the displays, their histories, where they were located in the world, and so on. I was really proud of her! Homeschooling win? I think so. She digs art and I consider it my entire job to support her in learning the topics she loves fully.

Thursday was equally excellent. I had pushed hard through a great deal of pain on Wednesday and had to adjust my expectations for Thursday.... I had to adapt. So, how do you balance needing to sit with the desire to keep up? A little of both worked beautifully :)

Since we went to both Woodland Park Zoo and Point Defiance - I can easily say - Go to Point Defiance. It's so much better. The staff is engaging, it has an aquarium in it, the kids pet aradillos, sting rays and more! It was AWESOME. But me and Anaius stepped out for most of it. He was exhausted, I was in pain. I knew I had hit my limit. I drove around the beautiful 5-mile-drive in Point Defiance Park and landed myself in a lovely walking path while my baby slept in the car and I sat in the GREEN!

Part of our trip to Point Defiance was the plan to ride several ferries. Our kids have been born and raised in land-locked, Idaho. Oh so dry, Idaho. You'd think riding these ferries was a magical experience - and that is because to them, it was indeed <3

Friday was my favorite day. It was our "we have no plan" day. I had been careful Thursday and felt great! Our kids wanted to swim again in the hotel and they loved the ferry rides - so instead of another museum or science gig, we rode had a peaceful morning eating breakfast, packing lunches and catching a ferry to the other side of the sound - destination : ICE CREAM. No, seriously, our goal was to relax and snag ice cream at a cute specialty shop on the water. It was perfect.

Our kids loved being able to walk down the marina, touch boats and compare them. They were thrilled when I said they could crawl on their bellies and touch the fish in the waters! It really was so relaxing. Friday night we went swimming and Damon and I got a real date night too with yummy food and one on one adult time. 

And in case you were wondering - this is what exhausted children sleep like :)


Saturday we hiked Snoqualmie Falls, Anaius got sick, we had lunch with Leslie & Tora, then said goodbye to the big city... Just in time for me to fall apart.

Yep, it's a true story.

When I lived in Seattle, I was in the middle of the deepest, darkest time in my life. I was neck high of slogging through the ugliest shit you can imagine. I was in therapy to process being raped as a child, confronted by my new sexuality (16 and just moved in with my boyfriend? hello triggers!). I had left my own home state and childhood home in anger and fear. All around, I was in a complete shit status in Seattle. I had assumed I had resolved and forgave myself for just kind of failing at living in Seattle but this trip was all sorts of enlightening for me.

When we moved to Idaho in 2004, it was a joint decision. I think. I don't really remember! I was still slogging through the yuck, but we survived. This trip was an interesting mix of freaking awesome and old fears. Was I doing "enough"? Ha. That's why seeing Mike, Damon's Dad was a giant shit storm because in my mind, I can clearly hear him say to me that I was "taking away his son from him." What kind of lifelong blessing is THAT?! As you can tell, it had a profound impact on my thoughts for the last 15 years.

(14 years ago, we looked like this)


While in Seattle, similar fears popped up though as Damon relaxed and looked so carefree again in Seattle. A glimpse of the boy I fell in love with so recklessly. Little statements in our trip - like how "of course he wasn't lost, he grew up there" placed me (unknowingly at the time) in a place of feeling like a bit of an outsider on my own darn vacation! Other comments about how much he loved the area, how different his dreams were when we lived there, how he could see himself living in so and so area. All triggers. All little cracks.

And ya know what? I think I'd have been OK if I was less committed to loving him and upholding all his dreams. If we were less happy, less in love, less of a solid unit - it wouldn't have been so scary! But the truth is, I absolutely LOVE my husband. I would bend over backward and chop myself easily in half to hold him up in accomplishing his dreams. It is without hesitation that I say - He would do the same for me. I hadn't really considered that Seattle was his home though. It was just a brief period in my life and I was focused on healing then, but it was where he began life. Of course it's familiar to him and brings up different memories.

In those  moments in our vacation though, I felt panic. What if I had failed to help him accomplish what he wanted in life? What if Idaho wasn't his home? What if he missed engineering goals and working on giant projects. We all know he's brilliant. His brain lives, sleeps, eats in buildings. He was made for this work.... But was our little construction company in Idaho enough? And if it wasn't, was I enough? (DING DING DING! enter the panic!)

I got beyond that thought really fast actually. Once I dug down into why I was so upset (as we drove painfully slow home), I realized I was really secure in my place as loved as his wife but I still didn't know how to settle my feelings about upholding his dreams. Seeing him vacation was amazing... He didn't answer the phone every time it rang. He didn't check his email ten times an hour to make sure probuild got his order and catch the next invoices needing to be paid or work on billing others to make sure we paid our mortgage... So, I suppose it was really unfair to compare VACATION to every day life - but I want the very very best for him. I want him to feel carefree and magic more often. I want to make sure that in everything I do, I hold him up. I want him to know that he's loved.

(on our vacation, man we were tired that first day!!!)


And in that, I spent a solid week thinking of how to find my peace again at my home.

The truth is, I found it again. It wasn't misplaced and I'm not at all ashamed of my falling apart. I fell apart in a less than stellar way, but my WHY doesn't cause me a bit of pain. Marriage isn't half ass to me. It's an all in, all consuming, forever and in to eternity kind of deal.

I'm really thankful we went on vacation and I am even more blessed that I could fall apart to realize how important upholding my husbands dreams is to me personally. I feel stronger than ever in my role as his wife. Little things that I know about him, only I get to hold sacred and cheer him on. I look at our home with awe, wonder and a renewed purpose now. I look at our kids with giddy happiness and am so freaking excited to be their mom.

What an incredible FAMILY vacation. 

We took a vacation... and I fell apart (part one)

Ha! We can't have a predictable title for our vacation blog can we? For the first time in 8 years, we took a VACATION as an entire family. Not a quick get away, but an entire week dedicated to nothing but our children and relaxation? Incredible. This year I was suppose to take a couple but life happens and threw us some curve balls... so in January when I was really upset about our growing family, Damon asked me: "What do you need?". Do you have any idea how BIG of a question that is?! I really really pondered it. Of course, you all know that my initial response was "A case of tequila and a one way ticket to Mexico" - but as I pondered it for the first week or so I was confronted with the need to carry on - to not let this completely throw us for a loop, but to do much of what we planned with our year. On that note, it was the middle of the night on my phone that I booked the hotel impulsively for my little family to actually take a vacation. In hindsight, I'm so glad I did but in the moment, it was a desperate plea to resume normal despite this really new path I was facing!

Fast forward to June - ready or not, we loaded up and set off! It was everything we needed and wanted from a vacation. We saw some family, we enjoyed big city features that our kids really wanted to see and we enjoyed some "no agenda at all" days.

It was really funny to me to pack without all our camping gear! The suburban felt HUGE. You can see we brought a small cooler (packed lunches and snacks daily) but really, it was awesome to not feel cramped a bit.... That is, until it was 3 am and we had arrived in Seattle. You see, we're absolutely insane and to get the "full effect" of vacation - I didn't want to impact Damon's work schedule more than I needed to and wanted to keep a tight budget... so what do you do when you can check in at 3 pm? You of course drive through the night before you have any place to go and you "sleep in the car".

What a fiasco. A suburban is indeed a big vehicle but when there are a million people and million car seats and it's 3 am? It's the smallest vehicle known to man. Declan slept under Anaius's seat, Kalani and Aurora smashed together in the blank space next to Anaius, Damon "slept" (code for was jabbed in the kidneys with seat belts for a few hours) across the front, Daunika half slept sitting semi reclined along the few inches in the leg room of the third row.... and that left Anaius and me... It might have been easier if he just slept in his car seat but I have none such luck yall... So I gave up, unloaded the cooler and totes in the back and curled up next to the pack & play and the random stuff... That is only AFTER I squabbled at my husband for forgetting things like sleeping at a rest area was smarter than random road side because we'd all need to pee in the morning... Ha. What a morning.

So, what do you do when you have had minimal hours of sleep, in a car, and have no where to go? You expect your children to be completely ready to meet their grandma in IHOP of course. I am so thankful for her great suggestion of meeting us for breakfast but in hindsight, I really set Anaius up for failure. He needed to run and roam first, then potentially be "people ready". We survived and decided to go adventure for our Sunday morning - we wanted to take all our kids to a park and get all our wiggles out. Shouldn't be THAT hard to find a park right?

Wrong. First, we tried a local elementary school... those have playgrounds, yes? Well, apparently they also have 6' fall chain link fences with locks on all the gates. Clearly, when we lived in Seattle we never paid any attention to if the area was children friendly. Not to be bummed.... we both hit our smart phones to look up nearby parks. We drove to several different locations and found they had been privately purchased, were gated and locked. In Boise, Idaho, you cant swing a cat without hitting a great park location for the whole family. So, a little defeated and lost, we drove around assuming there had to be a park SOMEWHERE.... Nope.

We did find a beautiful nature trail and river though. That hit the spot perfectly. Green? Water? Sunshine? Kids running all over the place? Ah.

But you saw I mentioned water right? So of course, our youngest three children decided they needed baths.... Not to be deterred, we just carried on, changing clothes before hitting our next stop - The Seattle Museum of Flight.

This was a stellar location and we all had a blast! I really wish we could have gone back but I'm sure it will be there another time! All our children have enjoyed going to the Boise Airport here... They like learning about how it works but I'm sure you all know it's really locked down and impossible to see much... this was the opposite! They were so amazed to see planes coming and going every 10 minutes!! Not only did they enjoy take off and landing shows, they boarded several really cool planes (including JFKs' Air Force One!)

It was interesting to hear their comments on "I didn't realize it had so many buttons!" "I thought it would be a lot more like a car" "they have lots of toilets!"... Oh my silly fun kiddos. I love you so.



Inside the museum was equally cool. Engines dissected, different military planes, models of the first planes, and more. We spent several hours there in the after and it was just awesome.

Sunday evening, my awesome mother in law and her room mate hosted us to their home for a BBQ. I could have just cried with her warm welcome and hospitality. I was so tired and achey from my awful few hours of sleep! The kids had a great time in her beautiful back yard playing and coloring.

By the time we made it back to our hotel, we crawled into beds and were asleep without a single peep from anyone!

Monday was another beautiful day in Seattle. We decided to take our kids to the Seattle Temple grounds to explore another beautiful LDS temple. It's HUGE! I had never seen it (wasn't a member when we lived there). It was a beautiful peaceful walk around the grounds. 

And after the temple, we decided to go find a childrens place the kids wanted to go to. Upon arriving, it was way small and closed. So, imagine my kids complaints as I'm scrambling to yell "PLOT TWIST" and come up with a new plan for the second half of our day.

We hit the Woodland Park Zoo. Great weather continued, we had a yummy lunch in our car and we ended with happy kids all around.

Leaving Seattle in rush hour on Monday we felt no particular rush (we're on vacation!) but must have been in the perfect place at the perfect time. We watched an older ford that literally had it's windows duct taped break down in the center of 5 lanes on I-5. We stopped. We towed them off the freeway and to the nearest gas station.

Seems simple enough but you realize in Seattle things like that don't happen. Our vehicle is rather large compared to most there and we keep a "car" box in the back that includes basic tools and recovery/towing items. Mostly, we keep it in case WE need it... and ya know what? We do need it. We need it to help others. Our survival and our souls depend on it. The guy had never been towed before, ran over the strap, ruined it. It wasn't like some smooth sailing experience but it was exactly what we needed to do to remind ourselves service is not an option - it's an entire way of life. Even in the middle of vacation, reach out and HELP someone! 

Tuesday was a relaxed day and a tricky one. I knew I'd have some limitations keeping up with our intensely packed schedule and I've mostly figured out what hurts my ligament and what doesn't now - YAY!! But Tuesday I hadn't yet figured out some major triggers of pain, and there is the tricky situation with me not quite comfortable seeing my father in law - so Anaius and I stayed in to do laundry and enjoy a peaceful dinner while the kids went bowling with Damon and Mike.

I knew it was going to be tricky. We'd talked about it a lot but it was a lot harder than I imagined. Lots of triggers of a former life where I was accused of "stealing his son" and made the villain. It was yucky emotionally and certainly left a major "hang over" of awful emotions that lingered in the back ground.

So, I'm certain it's not hard to imagine the falling apart coming.......... 

Part 2 will have to wait though, kiddos need me!