Christmas Antics

I heard a rumor that life goes back to normal... With four busy kids and Christmas coming, I'd say our life is full swing "back to normal" after an intense 5 weeks surrounding losing my mom. One of the things I absolutely know for certain is that my Mama would have wanted life to continue, for life to be well, for happiness to surround us.

CHRISTMAS is a great reason to have a damn good time!

First, there is SNOW outside... 

Then, there is getting a Christmas tree! 

And... with trees come LIGHTS!

Well, they are suppose to go on the tree....

And they did indeed make it on the tree. 

There is Christmas cookie making for friends and family! 

Beautiful sunsets with icicles hanging from my house? Way cool!

And our SUPER cool family adventure today? 

Graham cracker house making. Tons of candy, frosting and all of us together? Holy fun times!

And our creations:

Merry Merry Christmas!!

Home, Finally (written November 23).

What a roller coaster.

While I'd like to pretend life is all Polly Anna and stuff, the truth is, I'm a wee bit at my whits end. After my blog about my mother coming to live with me things got a bit nuts around here. What was expected to be a reasonably simple "Moms just getting older" turned into a two week stay in the hospital and a hell of a soul searching decision.

Thursday November 7th, I woke up and took my mom to a doctors appt. The week before it was a blur. I had moved her in to our home with the intention of packing her stuff and all that jazz, but with the expectation that she was healthy just needing a bit more support. Deep down in my gut I knew I was fooling myself. She was sick and in denial. Cardiology appointment went OK, but following that prompting that "something isn't right", I asked them to pull some labs. I took her home a few hours later and went to co-op. I couldn't actually teach my classes at all because I was so distracted with worry. by 4 pm, I got a call that her labs were critical and she needed to get to a hospital immediately. In fact, the lovely nurse offered to send an ambulance.

I carried her. I didn't want her to be scared of an ambulance but indeed, even since I had seen her 2 hours before, she had rapidly decompensated and couldn't walk much. I did what anyone would do - I carried her. I spent the night in the ER as I watched her be unable to tell us her name, she couldn't say where she was, she was nearly in a coma.

Was this my Mom? What the hell did I miss that morning that I didn't take her in to the ER instead of taking her to a cardiology appointment? Guilt overcame me.

 I signed form after form for her care. Basically they told me not to hold my breathe, she might not make it through the night..... Two weeks in the hospital, constant medications and ICU care, we faced a cross roads. Countless doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, physical therapists, you name it, we saw them. Test after test confirmed that not a lot was changing. We had to "face the facts".

I waited diligently by her side. I answered questions about her health as best I could. I became known as "the tenacious daughter of 42". Well, damnit, I need to know what the heck was going on. I didn't appreciate floor 6, I am glad we moved to ICU when we did, I might have punched a nurse or two...

Once in ICU it became clear, her poor body just wasn't going to get better. We needed to make a choice - do we keep probing, prodding, or do we focus on bringing her home and surrounding her with a great family and good memories.

One of the hardest parts of this process is my Mama doesn't realize she's dying. She is adamant that she is fine. Over the two weeks in the hospital, countless doctors tried to talk to her about her condition and each time she didn't seem to get it or go into a deep denial. I don't know which, but as a daughter watching her decline and see test after test, there isn't a lot I can do to describe this kind of anguish.

It should be noted, my despair is a different kind of a despair you might see in a normal mother-daughter situation. In my case, I have deep rooted fears about being an orphan again. It is such an intensity that I cannot even describe it. It is impossible to describe that kind of fear, trauma.

_____________________________

Written November 23rd. I forgot to publish this.

Two more feet in my home...

Oh the heavy heart weighs me down today. I'm teary and a bit restless. I'm facing an enormous task and feeling a bit alone in it. Several months ago, I experienced a pretty traumatic miscarriage of our 5th child. Many would say "you have enough children", "why tempt fate?", "just assume that was God saying stop". Few said things like that, instead many rallied around for my support in helping me as I grieved. Those beautiful souls who let me stay at their home all day when the news hit, the friends who brought me food to help feed my family while I lost my footing for a week and was healing, those who brought me a project to keep my hands busy as my mind raced. Among my many blessings, I just knew life was going to be ok somehow...... It is.


Until this week............



This would be another heart stopping moment. The moment when I realize my home is growing by two feet again... but not the ones I expected. With a heavy heart, a serving spirit, I realize that my Mom will be moving in with us. She hasn't been well for some time and somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered if I would be ready when this call needed to be made, but I'm not sure I was. She hasn't recovered from her heart attack two years ago. In fact, I'd say she is worse today than she was before.

My mind races as I begin to asses this new chapter in my life. My mom is 70. Not 90. Not 100. I want to cry and scream and tell the world it's unfair. I want to rant and rave that I want her healthy and perfect another 20 or 50 years. I am so incredibly sad and I cannot even describe it. Now, it's not all gloom and doom. I'm excited to have my mom near by. Even if she can't be that support that I so desperately have clung to in the past, the roles can change and I will be that for her. She is the woman that I get the pleasure of introducing as not the mom who birthed me but the one who chose to keep me despite all odds. Hours and hours of laughter, friendship and intelligent conversations. She is my Mom. I adore her.

This weekend we prepare our home to welcome her with open arms. My kids are thrilled. I don't think they understand yet that Grandma is sick and needs our help but I hope their little hearts are resilient and peaceful as we love her during this difficult time.

About 7 years ago we took care of my great grandmother during her final year. It was heart breaking work. To watch the end of the circle of life when my profession is surrounding the beginning of the circle is so bittersweet. To realize your family members have lived full and beautiful lives is awesome, to realize you will miss them so incredibly much is not awesome.

I am not one to send those who are aging into homes. I am not one who believes society is doing ourselves a favor by filling facilities with those in need of care as they age. I disagree. Where is the heart? The soul? The service? I won't allow my family to sink quietly into the night and die among strangers. I'm well aware this is harder. I've done it before, in the last decade. I just can't leave her somewhere. She wouldn't want that. Doesn't want that.

She doesn't want to be a burden either. 

I understand. I really truly do. 

I am excited. Torn. Scared. Exhausted. Splintering. Elated. Hopeful. Devastated. 

This isn't a journey I expected this decade. I assumed my kids would be teenagers, I assumed we'd live somewhere else, I assumed I had time.... I assumed SHE had time. 

Hold on dear ones, I'm going to need all the strength I can rally from all of you. I'll need your support, your prayers, your confidence in me. This is going to be rough on me. 

This is going to be rougher on her and that makes me sad. 

These are the days

What do 18 women, 1 cabin, 3 days equal? 

A Mom's Retreat of course! 

What a weekend it was. Over the last 4 years, I am proud to look around me and realize the depth of the friendships I've developed. I am a social creature by nature and appreciate a healthy support network. I've attended many Mom's Retreats with these same women but this one was harder and not all at once. Many of us came to the retreat with full plates. Our burdens worn on our sleeves for others to see and as we were out of our safe and comfortable homes, we shared tears and laughter and love and true friendship. It wasn't the light and carefree retreat I was expecting, it was better. 

Let's not be TOO serious here. We were surrounded by amazing views. This is the empty resevoir that is Lake Cascade. While it's absolutely beautiful to look at from this point.. We kept walking on... 

But first we had to take some leaps of faith. I think we jumped over 5 of these irrigation channels in the field. But walking in a field isn't enough.... 

That might be us going through a fence to get INTO THE LAKE!

Woo hoo!! We made it. See all that sand? 

Inside the lake :)

Proof I was there too!

And of course.... We walked around a bit, which means we didn't get through the fence at the same point and had to find a different way over/through it to get back to our cabin... 

This time we went over the fence.... but not I. Nope. That fence pole looked like a nightmare to an overweight chick... 

Instead, I got to prove there ARE wild things in the trees up north. :)

I promise, it wasn't all dreary or deep, nor was it just light and fun. It was the perfect safe place to solidify friendships and make memories. We played hide and go seek in the middle of the night at a play ground, some hung upside down from their knees on the jungle gym. We hung out for FIVE hours in the hot tub the first night and talked and talked and talked. We had thought provoking devotionals and great food. Who are we kidding, we all probably had stomach aches too because we survived on carbs and laughter for the first day. And chocolate truffles from Costco that I must never remember again otherwise they are going to be a new addiction!!! There were silent down times. Places to tuck away and read or knit or just be. There was one and one talk-time and large group gatherings. There was laughter and love and just everything I needed. 

I'm so glad we went. It was absolutely perfect. Even in the imperfections of it, the depth of some of our burdens to be shared with each other. Sometimes it was harrowing to listen to the pains of another. Sometimes it was raw to expose your own. It also was the greatest joy to hold each other up in those vulnerable moments. I really have the best friends in the entire world. 

Heading home from this weekend in a car with a friend of mine was the perfect amount of silence and reflection. I appreciate the ability to sit in silence these days. While it is indeed harder for me than others, I recognize the growth it symbolizes. Silence is sometimes scary but oh so needed for my ever-busy soul. 

What a great Mothers Retreat. I look forward to the next already. 

xoxo

Kiddos

I promise, despite my blogs evolutionary status on my little homestead, I actually live a normal crazy life with my kiddos. We're pretty boring people actually. I like it that way. After a few days away from my family, I came home to just enjoy them. These little people are so fantastic.

I mean really, without them, life would be boring. I'm not sure the thought has ever occurred to me to read a book upside down. Daunika lives to read. It is her lives greatest pleasure and she is pretty indiscriminate on her reading. So much like me! 

Like father, like son on this end. Declan is such an amazing kiddo. His smile is bright and his hands seem to always be working. Wonder where he gets that from.... 

There is also a law somewhere unwritten in my house. I didn't know about it but my kids seemed to be born with it. It's basically "If mom is taking a picture of one kid, quickly run over and smash yourself into the photo!"

Yep. It's a law I didn't know about.

We all survived chicken pox. It wasn't bad at all honestly. 

Glad it's over, we were a bit stuck in the house!

But fear not, being stuck in the house didn't slow us down. We enjoyed projects, school work, going for long walks in the rain to puddle jump when we knew no one else would be at the park. Fun times. 

Our big girls have decided life is better sharing a bed. 

Which means our littest two have a bunk bed to share. Lani adjusted to sleeping in a normal bed great. 

All around, life is still kickin here. 

Our older girls are enjoying girl scouts finally starting back up. They are working on patches and excited about seeing their scouting friends more often. Halloween is coming up and the kids all picked really different things to be this year. Should be a fun time indeed :) 

Still having issues with Lani at church but I think we'll try something different this coming Sunday and see if it changes anything. We're into a great school groove, life is pretty peaceful with these littles <3

It gets crisp in the fall.....

Oh what a marvelous season. 

Do I really think every season as it comes is my favorite? 

Hmmm... 

Perhaps my soul is attuned to change darlings... Change is to be embraced.

We've already had soups, hot breads, hours of canning and some adventures in learning about farm life so far this fall. Let me tell you, as a city-raised kid, there is no preparing for owning a Buck (male goat) who REALLY wants through a fence to a lady in heat. Just imagine with me for a moment the awesome face I must have had as my children sincerely wanted to understand why the new goat was peeing all over his face to attract the female goats to him. *crickets*. I'm glad to announce that my daughters have proclaimed they will never marry a man who pees on his face...... Thank heavens! 

Meet Boss. He is the lovely new man on the homestead causing all these amazingly-hard-to-keep-a-straight-face conversations. He is lovely. So friendly and easy to handle. Hates our dog but loves the ladies :) He won't likely stay long but for now, I rather love him.... Until I breathe... then I hate his smell. Holy moly!

Besides the smelly man-goat outside, I have been making some new smells in my kitchen too! And by those smells, I mean CANNING! 

Not only has our own garden been fruitful this year, we have been blessed by those who were willing to share with us their bounty. Not a drop is wasted in this home. Hours have been spent in my tiny tiny 1940's kitchen. I have no dishwasher, no garbage disposal, no kitchen sink sprayer. I do however have a determination that lit a fire under my ass this year and I am loving it! 

I feel a bit that my hands are never clean these days. I'm sporting a new band-aid, compliments of an argument with a canning jar I had this week. I also learned that when you cut 80 pounds of onions, you eye balls literally burn the next day still! 

Are your eye balls burning thinking about cutting up 150 pounds of onions?! New adventures... GREEN tomatoes. Don't worry, I have about a million ripe ones, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't wasting my green ones either. I'm trying green tomato pie, green tomato jelly and chili verde sauce. Woo hoo!

Adventures in juice making..........

And just when I thought the first week of October couldn't get any cooler? 

Those lovely two babies joined us two ... that means six new chicks have hatched here this month! 

I promise I'll update on our family life soon!

I hope you all are LOVING this wonderful fall season so far. 

Homestead Bounty!

The summer is the most rewarding homesteading season I think. 

This rooster is lucky to be alive. When he first arrived on our homestead, he had a horrific habit of crowing for 15-20 minutes at FOUR A.M! 4?! Yes, that's nearly ridiculous but I love his sound and I'm happy to report, for the most part, he is no longer screaming at an ungodly hour. He does start screaming at 5:30 and that is acceptable to me!

A typical morning harvest. 

Jars, jars, jars!! I have a pretty huge stack of jars to process through this year. I have a goal of filling 3/4 of all the jars I own this year. WOO HOO!

Fear not, I'm not just canning... I'm loading up my freezer too :) 

All of that peach jam is a result of needing to stay busy. With my mama heart mourning this week, it really helps to stay busy.

The sunflower line is working PERFECT! We had this genius idea to grow some chicken food, provide shade and privacy... Sunflowers. Next year I plan to wrap my property in them 4 or 5 rows thick to provide privacy. 

We are going to have so many pumpkins. They have literally taken over the garden. Yay!! Pumpkin butter is my primary hope for these lovely 'pie' pumpkins.

These things are HUGE and loaded with yummy, organic, nearly FREE chicken food <3