Feeling Blue

Yes, I am.

Ya know the issue with following a billion homeschooling blogs? I realize that I'm seriously falling behind. I have such amazing daughters that would latch on to anything I threw at them so great, but somehow I fail them.

I'm miserable and frustrated with my current commitment level. I'm frustrated that I cant buy a couple things to make my life easier, I'm frustrated that others can spend 10 dollars when I cannot even think about spending 2. Why is it those who sit on their ass or plug their children into the TV for hours get to have the money, when I'm begging to just hit the dollars store for some key pieces?

Pity party of one :) Hey, at least I know it.

So, Theres my rant, done and over. Maybe if I get it out I'll feel better about this dooming failure headed my direction.

Affirmation

But of course we cannot go too long without a musical input from me that I explain. What is it about music that touches people? Previously posted "Waiting on the World to Change" was equally important... so today I'm going to pick Affirmation by Savage Garden. Recently our band at church sang this, and I was in tears. I think I am going to begin to pick regular songs to break down and give my two cents.... So, here's a break down for today!

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument

Yes Yes Yes. I absolutely feel like poo when I go to sleep mad, so I try to make sure that when I go to sleep, I'm at peace with those who are absolutely critical to my life.
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands

This one makes me sad, but its pretty true. Can you stand alone for the rest of your life happy? Most of us who think deeply would wait a moment before answering. We are meant to have others in our life but the ability to not place our happiness in them, but SHARE our OWN happiness with them is very key.
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you

Seriously.
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do

I'd like to think so. Those who know my past might wonder why I really believe this about my own family, but I do.
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem

Absolutely. Why cant a woman who isnt airbrushed be beautiful too?
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
Yep. Without a doubt. I just don't chose to be alone anymore.

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned

That pretty much sums it up. I might be screwed later for being a mean teen, but I dont think so. :)
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

The burning I think of is different than instantly thought of. I think burned as in marked in life that changed your veiws that made each of us realize that we want love, unconditional and undying lasting love that is beyond ourselves.
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side

Or as I like to say, it may appear greener but it still needs mowed.
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Sometimes.

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality

Personally, thats my belief
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy

You betcha! How many have vowed to be monogamous and ended in affair ridden marriages that meant shit. A simple vow means nothing without the underlying trust and love. A bond that binds you in trusting another person with their own word.
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul

Otherwise, I'm fucked... just kidding!
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

This took me 18 years to figure out, but I got it. Clearly in my last year and a half of living my husband and I chose the happier family with less financial gains over the shit we had before.
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair

I agree strongly. And its not at all because I'm poor, its because I know those who have made a ton of money and still struggle to own their FREEDOM. Someone else still owns them
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

Because they are the ones who don't have to have to ask when to take a vacation, or when to see their children, or when to breath deeply in meditation without thinking about the looming things needed to be done. They might have become rich by killing themselves, but lets pray for their youth aye?

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness

Or at least it was for me. Who wants to carry about baggage that makes everyone terribly unhappy, namely yourself. Let it go, what was already happened, but you chose what it does to you now.
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed

True intimacy of the soul does not count number of fuckings, but number of times connected regardless of clothing.
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists

Yea.. mass media plug in, we know my stance of this.
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

Exactly why I disagree with vows that say to death do we part.

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Theres my two cents on a great song this week :)

Obsession with scented shit? Well, I was years ago too.... scary!

http://www.naturalnews.com/002693.html

America has a love affair with artificial fragrance and products that contain it. The amount of fragrance that goes into the average household in America is absolutely astounding. It’s found in all sorts of products but one of the most common is dryer sheets. As it turns out, dryer sheets are absolutely loaded with artificial fragrance. In fact, they serve more of a function of perfume sheets than any other practical function in the dryer.

When people use dryer sheets, they are coating their cloths with a thin film of artificial chemical perfumes. Just like other perfumes, a person’s sensitivity to these perfumes decreases over time to the point where they don’t even notice how potent these artificial fragrance chemicals are.

None of this would be interesting if it weren’t for the fact that these fragrance chemical are extremely toxic chemicals. They are known carcinogens. They cause liver damage andcancer in mammals. In fact, the only way they are approved for use in consumer products is that there is an underlying, but false assumption by the FDA and other regulator agencies that cosmetic products such as shampoo, deodorants, creams, laundry detergents, and soaps don’t pose a health risk because their chemicals are not absorbed through the skin. In other words, there is a much lower threshold of danger assumed with cosmetic products versus foods and beverages. It is assumed that chemicals put on the skin don’t necessarily penetrate the skin. This assumption is incorrect, however.

Nearly every chemical that touches the skin finds its way into the body and into the bloodstream. As a result, wearing toxic fragrance chemicals is actually quite similar to eating them. These toxic chemicals would never, of course, be approved as safe food ingredients due to their toxicity. Many are registered as EPA toxins. Nearly all are listed in the government RTECS database of toxic chemicals (seehttp://www.nisc.com/cis/details/rte... for more info). Yet they are, for some reason, allowed to be used in consumer products simply because it is assumed they pose no hazard to human health.

A rigorous examination of the toxic chemicals used in artificial fragrance, such as over-the-counter perfumes, has turned up shocking reports showing as many as twenty-three identifiable carcinogenic compounds. A partial list is found at http://www.immuneweb.org/articles/perfume.html

This means that these fragrance products contain not just one cancer causing agent but potentially dozens. That’s why using dryer sheets or even laundry detergent with fragrance is extremely bad for your health.

Years ago, people argued with the very idea that such chemicals could be absorbed through the skin. They said the skin is a strong barrier against external agents. Otherwise, they explained, the body would be invaded be bacteria and viruses on a daily basis. But then along came the nicotine patch and other federally approved drugs and consumer products that worked on the very premise that drugs can be absorbed through the skin. In fact, if chemicals weren’t absorbed through the skin, the nicotine patch wouldn’t work at all.

Today, even though it is obvious to any intelligent person that chemicals are quite easily absorbed through the skin, there’s no general recognition that products that come into contact with the skin of consumers could pose a potential health hazard. The FDA, it seems, is once again asleep at the wheel. A person who uses dryer sheets or laundry detergent with fragrance is actually coating their clothing in a layer of chemicals that will be easily transferred to their skin the next time they put on those cloths and start to perspire. The wetter your body becomes, the more easily the chemicals can move from clothing into your skin. And since many of these chemical compounds are by themselves solvents, they are rather good at moving through cellular membranes and entering tissues of the body, including nervous system tissues. This is why intelligent consumers who wish to protect their health avoid brand name dryer sheets, laundry detergents, and even perfumes and colognes that are all made with toxic fragrance chemicals that can cause cancer, liver disorders, Alzheimer's disease and many other chronic diseases.

The Many Faces of Our Daughters!

In keeping with my every-other-blog-must-be-happy ... I couldnt think of a happier post than pictures over the last month of our daughters being themselves!

Oh I love this shot, Daunika smashing Auroras head happily... so fitting. LOL

Confused Rora?

Happiness is having a sister in this house!

Yes, bright orange goggles in the fall ARE a requirement to Aurora.

Daunika all ready for Church one September Sunday :)

This kiddo is a collector, the more stuff in her arms, the better.

Typical Aurora

See! She repeats often.

Nap Time!

Daunika SLEPT? whoa.

Informed Consent my arse!

Vaccines From Abortion - The Hidden Truth

THE DARK HISTORY

For over thirty years pharmaceutical companies in this country have been producing vaccines derived from tissues of aborted fetuses, a fact that was brought to light when several prominent Catholic newspapers published articles on the morality of using the vaccines. The trouble began when a new law in St. Louis County, Mo. required food handlers to obtain the Hepatitis-A vaccine for employment. When the source of the vaccine was revealed, many principled individuals objected and with good reason. As this information has become public, more and more physicians and parents are troubled by the ethical issues involved.

During the Rubella epidemic of 1964, some doctors advised exposed pregnant women to abort their children. The resulting virus strain developed was known in the science world as RA/27/3, where R=Rubella, A=Abortus, 27=27th fetus tested, 3=third tissue explant. There were actually 26 abortions prior to finding the right “species” with the active virus. The vaccine was then cultivated on the lung tissue of yet another aborted infant, WI-38. WI-38 (Wistar Institute 38) was taken from the lung tissue of an aborted female infant at 3 months gestation in the 1960s. A second human cell line, MRC-5 was derived from a male at 14 weeks gestation in the 1970s. They were used to cultivate the weakened virus strains of several diseases to produce immunizations. These two human cell lines cultivated in the lab continue to provide an ongoing source for many widely used vaccines.

NO OTHER SOURCE

Three of the vaccines were produced solely from abortion and to date, there is no other source available to treat their diseases. The vaccines are:
· CHICKEN POX
· HEPATITIS – A
· RUBELLA

Following is the information on each vaccine, its clinical name and the pharmaceutical company producing them.

CHICKENPOX: VARIVAX/VARICELLA
Uses both MRC-5 and WI-38 human cell lines and is produced by Merck & Co.

HEPATITIS-A: “HAVRIX”, “VAQTA”
Uses MRC-5 human cell lines and is produced by SmithKline Beecham and Merck & Co.

HEPATITIS A-B: “TWINRIX”
New combo vaccine uses MRC-5 human cell lines and is produced by SmithKline Beecham (NOTE: Hepatitis-B alone is NOT “tainted.”)

RUBELLA: MERUVAX, MMR
Uses WI-38 human cell lines and is produced by Merck & Co.

NOTE: MERUVAX IMMUNIZES FOR RUBELLA ONLY. MMR IMMUNIZES FOR MEASLES-MUMPS-RUBELLA. OTHER VACCINES, WHICH COMBINES WITH RUBELLA: RUBELLA-MUMPS, (BIAVAX) OR RUBELLA-MEASLES (MR-VAX) USE THE WI-38 ABORTED FETAL CELL LINE.

New Vaccines Under Development

HIV: (No clinical name assigned yet)
Under development by Merck & Co. using aborted fetal cell line PER C6.

Ebola: (No clinical name assigned yet)
Research by the National Institutes of Health and Crucell NV using aborted fetal cell line PER C6

OTHER “TAINTED” VACCINES
There are some vaccines that have been manufactured from these same aborted fetal cell lines, (MRC-5 and WI-38), however there are also alternative sources used in their production that do not come from abortion. Following is the information on each vaccine, its clinical name, the alternative “untainted” source and the pharmaceuticals producing them.

MUMPS
MUMPSVAX (UNTAINTED) Merck & Co.: Uses the cell cultures of a chicken embryo. 1-800 422-9675

MEASLES
ATTENUVAX (UNTAINTED) Merck & Co: Uses the cell cultures of a chicken embryo. 1-800 422-9675

POLIO
POLIOVAX (TAINTED) Aventis-Pasteur: Uses MRC-5 human cell line.
IPOL (UNTAINTED) Aventis-Pasteur/Connaught: Uses monkey kidney cells. 1-800-822-2463
ORIMUNE (Oral Dosage - Untainted) Aventis-Pasteur/Connaught: Uses monkey kidney cells. 1-800-822-2463

RABIES
IMOVAX (TAINTED) Aventis-Pasteur/Connaught: Uses MRC-5 human cell line.
RabAvert (UNTAINTED) Chiron Inc.: Uses chick embryo. 1-800 244-7668 (Pacific Time)

Your doctor can order the untainted versions by calling the 800 numbers listed above. They are all available in single dosage.

New Vaccines Under Development - TAINTED AND UNTAINTED VERSIONS

Smallpox

Acambis 1000 (TAINTED MRC-5)
54 million doses to be manufactured

Acambis 2000 (UNTAINTED Vero Cell line)
(155 million doses to be manufactured)

Flu

MedImmune Inc.Version (TAINTED PER C6)

Note: Current flu vaccines made by Aventis Pasteur and Wyeth Ayerest do not use aborted fetal tissue.
ALSO DIPHTHERIA, YELLOW FEVER, HAEMOPHILUS B, HEPATITIS B, TETANUS, PNEUMONAL CONJUGATE AND ANTHRAXARE OTHER VACCINES THAT ARE NOT DERIVED FROM ABORTED FETAL TISSUE.

Moral Problems

Many ethicists have tried to justify the use of vaccines derived from aborted fetal tissue when there are no alternatives available. They make a legitimate argument that we have a moral obligation to protect our children and society from life threatening diseases. But many opposed to abortion find the use of these vaccines morally objectionable. The aborted child has already had his/ her human dignity severely violated. The callous practice of using these babies’ tissue amounts to further violation of the dignity of the unborn person. Some think using such vaccines constitutes complicity in the evil of abortion; others argue that it is morally permissible in the absence of alternatives. Yet all agree alternatives must be sought and used whenever possible.

Meanwhile researchers are still exploiting aborted fetuses and are creating embryos strictly for the purposes of research. And they use the present vaccines from aborted fetuses to justify their actions. At the Senate subcommittee hearings on Embryonic Stem Cell Research, Senator Harry Reid compared the use of future products taken from human embryos to the benefits of the Polio vaccine. The University of Nebraska used the same argument to defend their experiments on aborted fetal tissue. Even President Bush justified his decision on funding embryonic stem cell research by using the chickenpox vaccine as a precedent, since the embryos, like the aborted babies, had already been destroyed.

Another important note: scientists did not have to use aborted fetuses in order to isolate the Rubella virus for creating a vaccine. There were already two perfectly good vaccines on the market, both of which are still licensed today, but are no longer in production. If a new vaccine was desired they could have simply swabbed the throat of an infected child and cultivated the virus on an ethical cell line, just as the Japanese did. There is no doubt that American scientists wanted to use fetal tissue and this simply gave them the opportunity and excuse to do so.

Current Trends

Because the pharmaceutical industry has perceived a public acceptance of the current vaccines, they are continuing to utilize both the existing aborted fetal cell lines – and fresh sources – in order to create new vaccines. After the terrorist attacks of Sept 11, 2001, the federal government sought out contracts to develop a new smallpox vaccine. Despite the fact that the FDA and CDC had acknowledged several cell substrates would be acceptable for growing the virus, when the award was granted to Acabmis Inc., they opted to use the MRC-5 aborted fetal cell line. After thousands of angry protests flooded our government offices, 30 days later a second contract was awarded to Acambis/Baxter, but this time, aborted fetal tissue would not be utilized.

More disturbing is the pharmaceutical industry’s latest trend to begin using a new fetal cell line named PER C6, created by the Dutch pharmaceutical, Crucell, NV. This cell line was taken from the retinal tissue of an 18-week gestation baby, aborted because, according to Dr. Van Der Eb at recent FDA hearings, “the father was unknown and the woman wanted to get rid of the fetus”. Dr. Van Der Eb went on to say, “PER C6 was made just for the pharmaceutical manufacturing of adenovirus vectors.” He added, “I realize that this sounds a bit commercial, but PER C6 were made for that particular purpose.”

Summary

Unless all our actions show respect for human life, we will be less able to oppose the actions of those who discount the inviolable dignity of embryonic and fetal life. The most important fact is that vaccines can and must be made from sources other than tissues from aborted fetuses. We proved it with our smallpox campaign in November 2001 by demanding an untainted alternative – and we got it! Had we remained silent, millions of Americans would be forced to use a life and death vaccine, grown on the MRC-5 aborted fetal cell lines. Perhaps then, the real complicity lies not in whether we choose to use these vaccines, but rather that we do nothing about them.

UPDATED SEPTEMBER 2002

And to think, someone called me wrong for being pro-choice, then they turned around to vaccinate. Why in the world do we need to judge each other? I love the lack of information we're given to make "informed consent".

GRRRRRRR

Beginning of harvest!

THAT is a lovely snap shot of my garden RIGHT NOW. I'm so very proud of what Damon and I accomplished. We worked hard together and this beautiful little peice of earth is feeding our family!! It started with an idea - we can grow our own organic food cheap! We already water the lawn, and theres no shortage of sun where I live. Then Damon built this beautiful growing wrack for me. Then we planted, babyed, then watched our plants die from a freak spring freeze! We started again. My husband broke up the earth, removed lawn for me. I decided, what the heck, I"ll plant them in the ground ! Look! They turned into FOOD. Its such a gratifying process, to work on something and watch it turn into food for your children. Its peaceful and gives me that warm fuzzy feeling. We currently have Zucchini, Squash, Carrots, Tomoatoes, Green Beans, and Watermelon.
This is a great shot of our watermelon beginning to show! We have about 50 of these *fall over*. I'm going have alot of watermelon to give away.
These are our lovely Zucchini and Summer Squash plants. They are HUGE. Without the area to sprawl with, they grew up instead. So far, I have harvested 12 zucchini.
Heres a picture of my casual daily picking. I am so excited about these, and will be even more excited when they are feeding my family all into the winter too! I'm cleaning, slicing and blanching these - then freezing them. Its such a peaceful process that I am so proud to be able to do!

I need a HAPPY post!

Ice Cream! That always makes for a happy post. These were taken last night after dinner, and this was actually Auroras first time having her own ice cream cone. Of corse it was tiny, but she LOVED it. Daunika enjoyed hers as well. Happy children make for a very happy post!

Thank you Shaeffer for an excellent quote!!

Francis Schaeffer said this - "Having no base for law, those who hold the humanist view make binding law whatever they personally think is good for society at the moment. This leads increasingly to arbitrary law and rulings which produce chaos in society and which then naturally and increasingly tend to lead to some form of authoritarianism. At that point, what the country had in the first place is lost and dead"

WHOA. WOW. I mean ............. WOW. Seriously. Read that quote again. And again.

Suddenly I am beginning to think that my blog has become a crazy ranting of one woman. Then I begin to look around, and I am finding more and more resources to help myself find my path to the "right" way of life. I am NOT a christian - NOT at all. Everyone knows that. I dont believe in the bible one damn bit, but when in the world did I become best friends with a Mormon and a Born Again Christian that understand my veiws - Allowing governments to dictate my beliefs is damn scary.

I have been reading alot of things lately. Sadly, Its mostly christian based. Which irritates me to hell. I dont want to know about the bible telling me things, I want to know about the LEGAL implications of restrictions. I want to know about cases and rulings that are important to me. Alas, I cant seem to find one without the other. Interestingly, I have fought against hearing christian shit my whole life. I literally hated hearing about the bible as a teen - but as I have grown and mellowed, it still bothers me some if its a persuasive conversation and I'm never swayed (enter family members in this senerio).........

But suddenly I realized something. What if it was the opposite? What if MY personal opinion was under attack. What if being a non-christian became a topic of taboo and my personal sanity was questioned? Isnt that how I have veiwed christ followers forever? Yes and no. I have changed alot in 10 years since affirming that God had a different non-christ path for me. Suddenly though, I am wanting to reach out to christians and non-christians alike. I want everyone to understand that our rights are being taken away and that we need to band together to live in a world of inclusiveness. That seperation of church and state simply means that church does not control the state - not that church must not exsist!

Where on this fucking path of america had we gone so wrong? I dont know, but I'm trying to find out.... aside from the hundreds of dollars I had to invest into seminars and flights to see some key people speak... but I am finding my library is helping. I am appauled by so much of what I see. Im frustrated by my lack of personal limited funds. I'm furious with alot. I am very mixed up inside and probably need to vent out more than just a blog..... punching bag anyone?

A few VERY keys issues on my mind are the right to birthing as you please, the right to educate as you please, the rights of parents, the rights to refuse medical treatment, and the right to control your own property.

I wish I could fucking slap people. WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. Why doesnt anyone get that? Step back, some people get it. I wish I had more UMPH to show them though. Ugh. I'm frustrated.

Exert for "Where do I draw the line" -

First lets consider the real orgin of the phrase "seperation of church and state". Thomas Jefferson coined this phrase, which is so often misused, in a latter to a Baptist Church in Connecticut. Read what Chief Justice William Rehnquist recently wrote about the origin of this phrase:

"it is impossible to build a sound constitutional doctrine upon a mistaken understanding of constitutional history, but unfortunately the Established Clause has been expressly freighted with Jeffersons' misleading metaphor for nearly forty years. Thomas Jefferson was of course in France at the time of the constituational Amendments known as the Bill of Rights were passed by Congress and ratified by the States. His letter to the Danbury Baptist Association was a short note of courtesy, written fourteen years after the amendments were passed by Congress. He would seem to any detached observer as a less than ideal source of contemporary history as to the meaning of Religion Clauses on the First Amendment" End exert.

WHY the hell arent we taught this in school? Oh wait. Public education is going to hell in a handbasket (again, I dont believe in hell), and teaching children about real history might envoke THOUGHT.

What would we do in a country where people questioned things? OH NO.

President Madison said it best - The government is free to acknowledge God in a nonsectarian manner, but no person can ever be forced to participate in a religious activity.

EXACTLY! You can have your God - but we were a country of acceptance of the freedom to chose to have our government to be about laws, and our free will would direct our path to God. Why removed God? Why try to push religion?

Lets switch paths a bit shall we? How do you feel at this moment? Are you comfortable? Did you pick the chair your in? The home your in? How about your health? The freedom to chose your health care provider, and what medications to accept and refuse?

What a blessing if you can answer yes, you picked all those. Do you understand your rights when it comes to your body? Recently I began to dive into my own personal beliefs on abortion. Hot topic, discontinue reading if you dont want to be mad at me :)

In any case, the topic arose - is pro-choice the same thing as pro-abortion? NO. I would considering myself somewhere in the middle. I do not mind abortion, I firmly believe that life begins with the first breath. I will not sway from that path. However, when did my pro-choice veiws suddenly make me the spawn of hell. Do you understand what anti-choice laws would do? If a government can dictate what medical proceedures you can or cannot do for whatever reason, where do they draw the line? We already are seeing the government FORCING chemo therapy on children. Do we really understand what we're losing here?http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/05/26/minnesota.forced.chemo/index.html

How about another recent news head line - laboring women are not considered a "person". Civil rights lawyers should be called. immediately. Let me restate - A woman in labor is not considered a mentally stable person, therefore the court CAN dictate what happens to a laboring woman. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/louise-marie-roth/is-a-woman-in-labor-a-per_b_242307.html

Are you fucking kidding me?

I think I hit my "im furious and going to rant about it" quota today. I have written my senators about these issues, and more. And will continue to do so - I STRONGLY encourage you to get off are arse, my blog isnt important, and write a letter today about how to feel concerning topics you feel stongly about.

I am beginning to feel unamerican.

"Waiting On The World To Change"

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could

Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want

That's why we're waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

And we're still waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

Thank you John Mayer for those lovely little words that struck me like a lightning bolt today on my commute home. When had I become so DIFFERENT? I suppose Damon started the thought in my head. About us being really different from the "general population" and "we're isolated" just general conversation. He agrees WHY we are different! But still, why is living the way I do feel so much like I'm swimming up stream?

When did my rights as a parent, my right to birth, my rights to my body, and my home become so under fire? Why is the big taking over the little and ruining what I love? Theres so many unjustices, I could list them for years and never run out of things to say about the unjust things I see.

But I have hope. I have hope to raise a better American in my own children. That they will grow and they are the face of our country. With a better home education, and food that I grow myself. With a mother and father together working to build something wonderful. That they witness self employment - not a peg on someone elses board, but parents in control of their lives.

My children have become not only hope - but now a driving need in me to rise above what I am waiting to change, and lead by example.

I like my damn bubble.

And the saga continues.

What is it about my in-laws that feel the need to lash out at me? Nothing happend - I'm assuming. But deep down, both damon and I know that they think this lack of communication is all my fault. Chang of events..

Damons previous cell phone number, the one he's had for the last 4 years, was getting CONSTANT hounding for Jose and Maria Garcia. Do we know who these people are? No. But they appearently were using his cell number as their fake number to give everyone. We pulled our credit reports, nothing unusual, so just the phone number was probably randomly chosen by them to fraud people with. One Saturday, we logged that 17 DIFFERENT creditors called for these crazy people. Clearly they had done something wrong! But that many calls in one day is absolutely insane. Damon was furious and changed his number.

Yay for no irritating calls! But do you know what a new phone number means? You have to tell people you have a new number. We told the usual, work associates that needed to know, couple friends. But really, Damon had no driving need to call his family and let them know.

About a month ago, Damons brother called, probably just to catch up. Its been about 4 months since they've spoken... which isnt something new. They arent close if you ask me. Anyways, Vince called on MY phone, which I found odd. I told Damon his brother had left a message. And forgot about it.... See, the thing is, when his family has to call MY phone - they assume he doesnt get the messages, and call back. I ignore the calls because I have no desire what so ever to communicate with people that are that different from my family values.

So, clearly, Damon had not told his brother Vincent about his phone change. He did tell his mother - whom I love and we speak at least monthly. She may not be the heart felt warm motherly type, but shes honest about it and no bull shit pretending. I respect that and Damon has grown closer to her as intellectually they can connect as two adults. Damon also told his Grandparents (his mothers parents) about his phone number change.

So, The great divide is here again. My guess - Damons father is trying to contact him. How I came to this assumption? Jamie, Damons step sister, whom he does NOT associate with in any regaurds, and refuses to speak to, sent me a myspace note. Well, thats all good and fine, except I cannot read the note. I have her blocked from any and all contact with me - all I know is myspace sent me a message saying a blocked member was trying to message me.

I'm sure it has to do with Damon not speaking to his father Mike, and me changing the password on my photobucket account so that I can USE it again. Not only the basics that anyone could see, but the silly, and fun, and great wonderful moments that I love to show my real friends. Between those two events, I'm sure that the sum of all evil in their minds is me again.

WHY ME? Jesus fucking christ. My husband is a grown man, and while I can encourage him to do things, I cannot force him to want these crazed people in his life. I admit, I dont encourage, and probably discourage a little. I dont like them, I dont hide that fact. Should I like them when they openly hate me? Eh. I will simply enjoy my life here.

This really isnt a huge issue. Not that warrants a blog this long... but it feels good to get it out and leave it behind. I dont give a hoot who knows I blog, and what I blog about. I'm sure they'd shit themselves over this blog if they stumbled upon it... So fucking what? I am NOT going to pretend life is great between us when we CHOSE not to know them anymore.

Alas, I'm reminded most in this event that real family does not over look your mistakes, more they take them in, understand them, and still love you as you work through them. Thank God that Damon, myself, and our daughters have found real family in Idaho.

Anything beyond real family... doesnt really matter anymore. *sigh* Zen moments coming. I'm going to shower and get ready for church!

Just another happy week.

I love crocheting. I love how I can take a simple peice of string and turn it into something that lasts, something useful. This week I received my purewool order! Talk about excited. 10 skeins, yay! I also was blessed this week with a suprise question - could I teach my best friend to crochet. Come to find out, she does have some previous skill and picked it up great. It was a blast to sit on my couch and talk for hours while our children slept and played, and we got to talk and hook. I am so blessed.

First on my list - Winter Longies for Aurora. This is my current peice, worked with an F hook, SC, in the round. I am actually loving the pooling on these colors too.

People ask me all the time why I hook with an F - the tiny uniformity of the stitches I love!!! Heres a close up shot.
Aurora.... what a little BUGGER this week. But alas --- she is cute!
I just love these moments captured on camera!

A new look

Well well. We've hit a milestone - my child learned to cut her own hair. Although I cant be for sure who incited the riot, Josh or Daunika, but the end results was the same - A new look.

Yesteday I nearly shit myself upon realizing that somehow the kids had gotten scissors, probably found in the extra rooms closet, then decided to try them on hair! This was really r

eally shocking to me because my kiddo is VERY girly, and was working really hard on growing her hair long "like mommys" and loves her hair bows, braided hair, etc. I know that had she been old enough to think about that, she wouldnt have done it. A lesson well learned.

This morning was terrible though. Screaming, crying, pulling her own hair - it was vicious. She woke up with the realization that her hair didnt grow overnight. She FLIPPED OUT and was screaming "I want my hair back" "You cut my hair" "My hair didnt grow last night". It was really hard for me to stay calm and explain that SHE cut it, and it would grow, but slowly. I tried to make it better, but brushing it just made it worst. She cried hard core for a bit.

This is her hair today:

Pictures of yesterdays events -

This was snapped by Megan, who had the brillant insight to take pictures of the event. Internally I was a mess because I knew what was going to come, day after day, when I did Daunikas hair - but externally I tried SO hard not to show because I didnt want to upset Daunika or make her think I was mad at her.

Thats a lovely picture of our child's hair - thats what SHE cut. But hey, at least she was smart enough not to make a mess right? blah. LOL

Simple but Fun Family Time

I am in awe of what a dollar can do for our family - Heres another great example!

In my constant efforts for homeschooling/introducing new concepts to Daunika - I decided it was time for some sticks! I am all about art and english. I know this. Its my strongest points. So those are naturally easy for me to come up with a billion ideas for those subjects. But what about what my husband brings to our learning? What can he teach my 3 year old and probably me? Well, Damon would certainly not plan a lesson, but an inpromptu sticks family fun - YES! It was more perfect than I could imagine. We had solid 45 minutes of fun, learning new things, and just being together. No TV, no electronics, nothing up a table and some sticks.

Heres some pictures of our "buildings"

Daunika Beginning a House -

Macys finished house!

Daunika decided to build my house too.

Auroras Creation..... STICKS! whoa. lol

My rockin husbands building!

Books To Read

I'm trying to keep track of books I plan to read or in some cases, re-read. Blogger will do. I lose papers and I hate my blackberry... so viola.

Where Do I Draw the Line? Michael Farris

The Spiritual Power of a Mother: Encouragement for the Home Schooling Mom Michael Farris

Taking Charge of Your Fertility

by Toni Weschler

Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling by John Taylor Gatto

The Underground History of American Education: A School Teacher's Intimate Investigation Into the Problem of Modern Schooling by John Taylor Gatto

The Unschooling Handbook : How to Use the Whole World As Your Child's Classroom by Mary Griffith

Hold Me Tight Sue Johnson

The Vacccine Book Dr Sears

Children Without Rivalry Adele Faber

Family Matters Phil McGraw

A Quiet Place by Peggy O'Mara

A Mother's Book of Secrets: Keys to Making Motherhood Memorable, Meaningful, and Magnificent by Linda J. Eyre

Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Childrenby Bush

The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Womenby Jessica Valenti

Black Hillsby Nora Roberts

A Wrinkle in Time: Madeleine L'Engle: Books

I'll continue to update this later. Its nearly midnight! YIKES!

Ya know whats wrong with blogging?

I blog, I always have. I just started using blogger........... and it suddenly occured to me - using blogger has a HUGE flaw. . . . . . . . . .

The people around me read, what I consider, my diary. Suddenly, I feel naked.

That is all. LOL

Breakfast for Dinner

Today was a typical day.... Except for the fucking stike of lightning that hit me at dinner.

Dinner... oh yes, hashbrowns, eggs, essentially - easy stuff. I cooked while Damon and the kids were watching a movie. I set the table, like usual. Everything ready.

Until it hit me. I had set for 5. We arent 5 anymore, we're 4. I quickly un-did my mistake and threw the extra food on the tops of our plates, and called everyone to dinner. I sat there trying to eat without throwing up, and I wondered - did anyone else miss her? What will I say when Daunika asks me why Ruby doesnt come back? What will I say when others, with good intentions, ask about her? What do I do to make myself adjust so quickly back to setting for 4. Why didnt anyone miss her today at dinner like I did! Why didnt she miss being at dinner tonight?

It was sad, I was sad, and I was feeling rediculous. This shouldnt hurt so fucking badly.

Maybe its worse because I'm stuck in the fucking house all day, throwing up like crazy, surrounded by her half-ass-cleared-room.

note to self - clear her room completely and clean her, OUR, bathroom upstairs.

I need to get out of the fucking house.

RETAIL THERAPY - fuck budgetting, I'm too sad to care today.

How do you just leave?

I'm pretty good at suffering inside. I try to reach out to my husband, I'm not alone in this shattered feeling. But when I want to feel the most secure - I feel the least lately.

How do you just leave a family and never look back? How do you live with little children and never really connect with them? Never love anyone that loved you so deeply? How do you be so fucking selfish?

Some know, some dont. Our home has gone through a very dramatic change over the last 7 months. 7 months ago nearly to the day, we took on the enormous life change - We would take in my youngest maternally linked sibling - My sister Ruby. All changes have growing pains. We had to learn to "parent" and "guide" a teenager. Not just a happy well rounded teen - but a young woman that needed so much.

As I look back over the last 7 months, I begin to question if I was ever right to take her into our home. What an adjustment for her - Rules. A Family. Someone that WOULD care when she was hurting. Someone that loved her, in all her stages. Her opinion of the last 7 months is so very different from my own.

Thursday June 25th, I feel like I failed more than I ever had before. I had failed at creating a home for her, I had failed at creating a place she would want to stay. Throughout the 7 months, I made our position clear - she was free to find a new home, but we wanted her to stay, to be a part of our family, and to learn to be a family member here. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I was wrong in allowing her to be in control.

Either way, I royalled fucked it up. In the end, she didnt love any of us, she hadn't connected, she hadn't cared at all. She packed, She left. She wont be back. I'm not even sure I would want her to come back knowing that she hates us all, she never wanted to be here with us, and that she feels that running is her answer to life.

So much goes around and around in my head. Its easier to be mad for me. Its an emotion that is "comfortable" I can be mad easily. When I'm mad, I clean, cook, go running, pull weeds, all that dumb shit. I keep my adeneline up because I'm mad and I get shit done. How does someone act when they are fucking broken? I mean, really devestated and at a loss for even the words to describe what they feel?

Hell if I know. Lets see - Thursday, I spent all of Thursday nearly wanting to die. I had failed, no matter how hard I tried to get her to become a part of our family, it was in vain. Nothing worked. Its like trying to force a alcoholic to stop drinking. She has to WANT the family first. Countless nights I stayed up chatting with her, watching tv together, or crocheting things together. Talking about projects, life, guys, her friends, my friends, all of it. Down the fucking toilet. So, I cried so hard Thursday, literally all day, that I nearly hurt myself. I began severe cramping and spotting. I cried all night, and woke up with a swollen face, a severe head ache, and a serious numbness that vaguely hurt if I thought about it for even a slight moment.

Friday. Ah yes.... swollen eyes - check. killer head ache - check. cramping - check. spotting - gone. postive test, thankfully. Packing. I mean, mad dash. I was going camping damnit, and I didnt fucking care who would be there, who wouldnt, I needed OUT of the fucking house. I packed up all the camping gear, and I left. I was out of the house by 2 pm! Considering I wasnt even awake until 10 am, I am amazed.

Free. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I was free. I wasnt at home, I didnt have things around the house - reminders of what wasn't real anymore. Then the slices - one after another as our friends asked where our teen was. Little did they know, she was police escorted from my home. Because she chose to leave. She hated us all and wanted to never see us again.

I mean, thats not exactly happy campfire tales aye? So, I shrugged it off, said very little. None of them close enough to really notice what I'm sure was the severe pain in my eyes at the mention of her. Or the fact that I quickly walked away if she was mentioned. I'm sure no one noticed.

Saturday. Damon. Oh dear damon. Thank you so much for arriving at our camp site. Friday night, alone, with the two babies was freeing and dooming all at once.

Sunday, What do you mean I have to go home? Oh eff. I have to go home. Home. As I drove I began thinking again - what a dangerous thing. Luckily, I was so stinkin tired that it didnt cross my mind when I arrived at home. Diapers to wash, sleeping bags to wash, laundry, dishes, food to put away, kids to adjust to home agian, etc.

Monday morning, exhausted. Fight with mother. About how essentially it is ALL my fault that Ruby left our house, that I am the fucking devil and that I ruin everything. Thank you mother. Seriously, Thanks. I NEEDED THAT. Because you did SO much better, Ruby had STDs 3 times living with you, stolen cars, DUI's at 13, Juvi, running away, stealing, dropping out of school - YES, you did MUCH better.

Monday afternoon, The dept of Health & Welfare - social services arrives at my house. I called them, I expected them. I'm glad they came. I explained that Ruby was escorted from my home via Ada County Sheriffs on Thursday, and I told them where she could found. They asked me about her mental, physical, and emotional well being.

What do you say about a teenager that hates you so violently that she felt the need to leave instantly? What do you say about the hurt that follows. I mean - seriously. I held it together. I dont think anyone really gets it yet. I dont think anyone understands that I'm hurt.

Damons logical. He worries about me, and is of course, angry as hell that she left. I think I get why he's angry. All Rubys life, people are inconsistent. They leave, the get rid of her, they allow her to live a life that is unsafe. He was furious that we couldnt make her stay. That we couldnt reach out to her and get her to stick out her choices in life. We couldnt, didnt, and cant unring this bell.

Deep down, I think he's furious at me too. I failed somehow.

Today was better somehow. I still cant think about it too long without sobbing. Luckily, no one is around and I can blog and sob in some peace.

I'm sure many many blogs will come from this topic. So much pain, anger, loss, and simple angony that will follow as I heal this wound.

I dont want to talk about it. I am not ready. I'm not ready to openly cry, I'm not ready to have anyone see me hurt this raw.

Although, please keep your rain gear handy - I'll need it soon.

Stain, Stress, Blubber.

How to describe? I dunno. I'm feeling a wide range of emotions this weekend. Most of this weekend I've felt completely on edge. Overwhelmed? No. Thats not it, but deeply worried. I think alot of my confusion comes from pregnancy. This by-far has been the most tired week I've had in a long time. Also, I'm in the early hormonal changing period. Every minor thing seems to be completely blown out of proportion.

Ruby specifically. I'm having a really hard time understanding why she would be so careless with her body. And more so, why she still choses to make dangerous, and down-right scary desicions. It was stressful for me before, but now - it seems dooming. I really really dont want to fail her, but I know that simple topics to talk about usually, are shadowed by me knowing somthing is wrong and shes not telling me things openly.

Blubbery. Good lord. I am crying over the STUPIDEST things. And I feel completely rediculous about it too.

I'm also having cramping and light spotting..... scares me to death. really. Too hard to talk about, because in some ways, I wish no one knew I was expecting, its easier to loose then. I wouldnt have to explain anything then.

Essentially, I'm feeling stressed, badly. Its not comfortable, but I know that I will figure something out.