Growing!

Can you believe I've been the mother of 4 amazing children for more than a month already? Kalani is just about the best baby. She is so mellow and loving. I appreciate her personality unfolding and coming to life more and more every day! Most days you can find her being held at least 21 hours of the day. She lives, eats, sleeps, breathes - everything attached to me. It's pretty normal newborn behavior and I am cherishing these moments together.

If my lap isn't full with a baby, it's full with a big kid, and often both! This last 6 weeks has brought hours and hours of reading books, playing board games, listening to music, countless diapers, a million races to the potty with a little boy and about 10 million calls to my husband for a 'how are you' leaning-on-each-other phone calls.

It's been an amazing 6 weeks. 

12.31.11 - Aparently this little one is sleepy. Ha. She gets more sleep than all of us!

1.3.12 - 6 glowing candles for our stunning oldest child! 

Blow them out little love! 

1.5.12 - whoops. Scared the baby with the flash of the camera!

1.6.12 - Daddy snuggling and snoozing with our newest addition. 

1.11.12 - Fussy baby, tired mama. I don't think she got the memo of no fussing on my birthday? Nope. 

1.16.12 - Breakfast and puzzles? Why not? Didn't you know, us home schoolers multitask with the best of them! 

1.16.12 - I have a special cargo package in tow :) 

1.17.12 - bathtime! 

 1.17.12 - freshly dried hair shows off the auburn hints in her eyebrows and hair!

1.18.12 - First snow of the winter!! 

1.18.12 - This little man is diaper free 3 weeks and counting!! Woo hoo!

1.19.12 - They say you can see how children are treated by their actions often times - well, in this case, this is EXACTLY like me. Baby wearing and reading a library book? Totally a mirror image.

1.20.12 - Wait? What is this? A baby that fell asleep not being held? Worry not, it lasted as long as I could run to get the camera and snap a picture. LOL

1.21.12 - There is something about having a tiny newborn to sudden make your other children grow up overnight. How proud I am of all my loves <3

1.23.12 - Yep. Bonking heads IS funny in this house. Silly girls. 

1.23.12 - Kalani smiles really light up her face. 

Like I said, It's been an amazing 6 weeks! 

"How are you?"

"How are you?"

Seems like a pretty straight forward question doesn't it? Not so much.

I'm a very very blessed soul. My family is one of the strongest units that I could have imagined ever being built in the world. Stronger than stress or burdens, stronger than anxiety or worries. My friendships are strong too. My heart even in it's weariest of moments is surrounded by those who love, support, uplift and encourage me. I've often wondered how my life would look without my support network. It's almost a concept that is so completely unimaginable that I have a hard time even picturing it in my mind.

Lately I have had so many lovely visitors, friends, guests, family, and so on come to see how we are. A quick stop by to drop off food for our family during this transition or a friendly face who arrives at 10 pm knowing I've been alone all week or even the exchanges at a social event I've braved solo with 4 kids - They all want to know "How are you".

Well - How the heck am I? That changes. In an effort to accept reality with it's fullness of sensations and not shy away from the uncomfortable - the answer to how I am is complicated.

I am fantastic. At the core of me, I am really genuinely fantastic. I have a full life with so much gratitude in my heart that it bubbles over often. I feel the need to share the greatness of my life with others - to encourage and uplift all those around me. To send my peaceful and blessed thoughts with them. To find the stillness of being within a space without judgement. I have a husband who loves me completely and 4 sensational children that have taught me so much about really living. I am happy about the person I see in the mirror when I look at who I really am inside. That's a damn good feeling.

I am stressed. I sometimes wonder how I will make it through another day without some change. I can be caught up in the day to day work that our life demands. I worry about money, about stretching myself and sharing my time with all my children. I stress often and am furiously battling postpartum anxiety. Knowing it is present and focusing on just being in the moment is my greatest tool. But the fact remains, I do feel stressed often and I am sitting with it. I am not shying away from it, I am focusing on the now. If I feel stressed, that is OK.

I am empowered. I feel encouraged from an intrinsic force to become the best version of me that I can be. I feel moved to work hard, dive in without hestiation, and really give all of me to the moment ahead of me. Giving all myself to the moment I'm in doesn't mean there is nothing left for me at the end of the day - its actually the opposite. By fully diving in and giving all of myself to my children when they make up my now, that means when the quiet moments hit, I also fully dive in and spend some genuine down time. When I'm doing laundry, I'm not begrudging of it - I'm focusing on it fully (or trying!!) because the more I focus on it the faster it goes. The faster it goes - the more present I am. The laundry moments pass and head first I go into the next things! I feel joyous to look around and feel powerful and in control of myself.

I am lonely. Anyone who is very close to me has sensed it I'm sure. The hole in my heart where my husband usually took up - and no, we're not in marital disarray, we are just in an intense period of growth and I miss him. This busy life we're experiencing right now means that I am without him much of the time. Now, I'm not boo-hoo'ing as if I have no friends - but the intimacy that I really feel around few others, I am missing. Something about Damon simply being near just relaxes my core and makes all the walls come down to really just be. I miss my husband greatly and I know this time is passing. Not just "this will pass" but it IS passing. It's passing as I am typing this. We are growing, changing, expanding and I cannot expect this loneliness to stay - the moments are changing. But for now, I am accepting that my heart misses my husband and I am learning to accept it today, not dwell or expect, just being. If I can master this, I will move beyond it quickly.

I am learning. I wonder what someone would say if I answered this to their question. If I answere fantastic, stressed, empowered or lonely they might know what to say - but what if I said "I'm learning" as casually as someone says "I'm fine"? It's a very true statement and I love it. I am learning every moment about myself, my children, my husband, my friends, my world and my emotions. It's a very cool place to be.

Oh so much I could say, so little time.

So, How am I? Well, ask often because it changes and I appreciate this fact.

Happy New Year!! a tad late!

What does a year do? 

Well, this was Daunika in December 2010

And this is Daunika now! 

Our second lovely daughter Aurora in December 2010

And here is Aurora now

And Moose one year ago in December 2010

Our awesome Declan now

Wow. Do you think that's all? Oh no.. not at all. This year was more than just our childrens obvious growth... This year was an extremely dynamic year for our whole family!

We also added this lovely addition before we rang in the new year:

Kalani Ember.


Now, for most families, the addition of a family member might be the only notable change for the year. Many families can appreciate the steady and consistent. Our family? Not a chance. 2011 was a huge year of growth, change, dynamic processes and sincere hearts full of love and joy.

Our year brought so many wonder times together.

We got to share goofy laughter in the mountains without any agenda but being a family.

We found out Moose took constant supervision.... Or you might find him in odd places

The thrill of fun with friends was captured.

A change of vehicles was needed to fit our growing family

A SERIOUS amount of messes were made by one tiny soul.

Happiness unbound

Family was welcomed for a stay in Idaho

Skills were taken to new heights....

We learned about cars frames, windows shattering and towing capacities

And since the car maxed out... more change was endured

Change seemed to be a theme of the year...We welcomed another pet

And another new pet...

A lot of "school" was enjoyed!

What an amazing year of change!

Never did I imagine my life could change so much, so quickly, so fluidly. As I look back over this past year of pictures, I'm profoundly proud of my family and myself. Change requires growth. Growth requires letting go of previous expectations, expanding your heart, mind and soul. It takes courage and strength. Trust in the universe around you. This year was full of change and I learned so much. There was hours of laughter as we witnessed our greatest accomplishments thrive, our children. We took chances and reconnected with parents - both my husbands father Mike and my biological mother Suzanne were welcomed into our home with open hearts. We learned that to climb a mountain you have to put one foot in front of another. Intense amount of pain was endured as a friendship weathered a serious storm. More stress and undeniable fear was faced as we learned my mother had a heart attack. We celebrated lifes little accomplishments (like a growing business) and lifes huge accomplishments (like witnessing compassion in your children). There was laughter, love, tears, fears, growth, change, challenges and endurance.

We did it. Another year. We didn't just survive - we thrived. We grew. 

So, here's to 2012. Yes, I know I'm 20 days into the year already, but damnit I'm busy!

I hope to find this beautiful new year as challenging as the last - because looking back, those challenges were growth and I truly believe if you are not growing you are shrinking.

I choose growth - come with me!