Close one door, Open another. part 1

The comforts of home are so unlimited. As I sit here in my living room, my 4 year old dancing around in her new dress, my other three children sound asleep still, I am reflecting on my journey of the past week. I may have failed to mention in previous blog posts - but last week I attempted and accomplished a huge task. I set out on a road trip to multiple destinations and was scared, thrilled, terrified, excited, anxious, peaceful about the whole thing. I figured life really was to bring me the answers that I needed to know - Mattew 7:7-8 is very clear - 

Ask, and it shall be given to you; Seek and ye shall find; Knock and the door shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh recieveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.

Yes, I did indeed knock on this door and will accept the answers I was given during our road trip. My goals were absolute and pure - I wanted to connect my family together. I wanted to heal my own wounds by facing them and I wanted to face some of the darkest memories in my life while maintaining being authentic and the best version of myself that I could possibly be. As it turns out, this was no easy task and it did not go at all like I saw it playing out in my mind. 


It was better and worse, it was so amazing and connecting, and down right terrifying and disconnecting. In the end, one door firmly will be closed by my choice and another will remain open with joy and welcome. 


Our trip started out not with the actual trip, but with the news of my husbands grandfathers severe illness and the SOS call from his grandmother. We knew instantly he would answer that call - he would go down to California no matter what it cost. Family is family and until dangerous or harmful, we will uphold our beliefs of supporting one another. My personal take on this trip was pretty deep - for the first time in more than 15 years, there sat my husband, his brother, his mother and her parents. A glimpse into what used to be and a peek into a better way of life - one that connected families again. Who knows? My prayers are certainly there. 


This SOS call set off a series of interesting events however. It came on the night before I was set to leave on my 1200 mile journey to see family. Should I go still? Should I stay home? Can I afford to even go still? What was the right path? I honestly didn't decide to go still until I awoke that morning. I knew it would not take until a life or death situation for me to make this trip a priority. I just had to go. Staying meant I could easily have an excuse - that I wouldn't have to face adversity or ghosts. I chose to go. 


Bright and early, we took off on the first leg of our trip. Destination : Springfield Oregon, the place of many terrorizing and life changing memories of my childhood. I cannot tell you how many times I considered turning around. Even when I was just 20 miles away, I pulled over and seriously thought of just driving home.

We did have fun moments on our trip there - this is a rest stop where we cleaned up a big mess by one little boy and the girls had a blast playing in the snow in their jammies. Yes, I had there big coats, gloves, hats, and all that jazz - but did they want it? No! 

We stopped many times to nurse. More times to have a million potty breaks.

And our drive brought us from the desert to a beautiful valley of green... I had forgotten how many shades of green there were. Stunning. 

Our Oregon part of our trip was nothing short of fantastic and scary! This was the most scary portion of the trip to me but as it turns out - the least traumatizing and the most rewarding. I'm so thankful to the Landen family for hosting us and giving us a warm comfy setting to sleep. Our children LOVED playing with Andy and Carma and called them Grandpa and Grandma. It was great to support my best friend Megan during her long stay without her husband. We had packed a huge cooler full of food and camped indoors - I cannot tell you how great it was to sleep on the floor with my kids. Now that might sound about the dumbest thing you've heard today, but honestly, I loved it. I was alone hundreds of miles away from my home and comfort items - all I had was my family! I loved reading to my children every night as they fell asleep surrounding me. I loved waking up with them within arms reach. I loved hearing my older kids snore slightly as I nursed in the middle of the night. Being all together on the floor was exactly what my soul needed. 

See those beautiful 4 tiny souls on the floor? Yep, somewhere in the middle was the spot for me! 


Oregon brought the reconnection with my biological mother. A terrifying feat alone, but it was coupled with wanting to firmly support and uplift my sister in her new motherhood and support my best friend as she connected with her best version of herself too. It was AWESOME!! Though, it did make me stop and think about many things - like how to explain that Ruby and I were indeed sisters but who I called mom wasn't my real mother. It's amazing how my 6 year old accepted my simple explanation - Sue gave birth to me but wasn't ready to be a mother, so she gave me to Peggy. It really is as simple as that. She asked a lot of questions like "didn't she want you?" that I faced with startling pain and deep fear - but I feel like I answered truthfully and with strength - Sometimes in life, people are broken and do the best they can. 


Some twists in the story I didn't expect, my baby sister and her beautiful son decided to come back to Idaho with us for a stay. I am so excited and amazed to connect with this beautiful new version of her. She has grown into a wonderful and brilliant person that I'm SO thrilled to get to know all over again. I learned more about Andy and Carma, our wonderful hosts. I also got to witness my biological mother in her own element. I learned a lot about her while I was there in her home. It was terrifying every single time I made that short drive down Main St. I literally shook and had to focus on driving and breathing. It was intense to say the least. 


I was thrilled to tackle some deep conversations and feel welcomed and met with such pure honesty that it was soul changing. I know that our wounds are healed. Now, does that mean that I won't still hurt from time to time reflecting backward? Nope, I'm sure I will. But it's not broken or bitter. It's forgiven and let go except to use as a lesson to learn from. We've grown, changed, learned and accepted. We're letting go of everything we thought we knew about each other and deciding to learn what each of us is today. 


Here's a glimpse into our brief stay in Oregon:
My snuggly, thumb sucking baby girl. She slept really well considering!

Declan had an awesome time running around and exploring new things!

Don't get me wrong - there were tears. My kids did the best they could on a long journey away from home!

And our big kids had a great time at a classic childhood place I remembered fondly!

Our Oregon portion ended with the news that my amazing husband would be joining me in Seattle. WOO HOO!! Can I tell you just how AWESOME this was?! After such an intense 4 days in Oregon, I was ready to call it quits and give up. I almost did. Wasn't it enough to face one ghost? Wasn't it enough to call it such an amazing success to reconnect with this portion of my family? Did I need to knock on more doors for more answers? 


Indeed, I did... Part 2 will come later. 

A glimpse into perfection

What are those? 

Heck if I know. I am genuinely unsure of what to call them - but here's what these tiny little domes brought into our home.. 

Do you see her genuine smile?

Oh the fun!!

Yes... these simple little domes are perfect!

He couldn't get his to pop up because his hands were too little... That didn't stop the fun!!

ahhh.... HAPPINESS!!!

I was having a stressful morning on Friday when I realized at that moment I could do nothing but play with my kids and it would stop the whining on their end and mine. I had about a million things I "needed" to do! But even now that I know that there are things to do and sleep to be had - I can tell you that I don't regret stopping everything that wasn't as important as our kids and spending 2 hours sitting on the floor of my dining room and just playing with them! My bottom was completely numb and I wanted to capture every moment of their happiness - but I can tell you that taking those 2 hours on the floor was life saving. I feel connected, relaxed, in tune and like I'm really listening to my beautiful babies today. 

I've never met a person who at the end of their life gives the advice of spending more time on their career and less with their family - NO. They don't. It goes fast and you cannot relive this moment. At the end of my life, I want to say that I tried every day to really dive in! 

I think I did pretty good at this Friday!

So, what are those little round things at the top? 

I still have no idea, but I had a blast with my children!

Four years already?

Aurora Danae, You are sensational! 

Simply put - it's been a fantastic journey mothering my second daughter. She is softer, quieter... yet inquisitive and brilliant. I absolutely adore my little Rory and I cannot believe she's FOUR!

In our home, we have a tradition of allow our children to decorate their birthday cake on the actual day they were born. No one gets to help them and there is no limit to the amount of decor they add to their cake. We usually don't have any sort of gifts or party on the actual date, that comes later, but this tradition is one that our children look forward to every year! This year is no different - cake decorating was a hit.

Here's a peak at Aurora's lovely creation -

First, mixing the perfect color of purple for her frosting - very important.

And it begins......

This is serious work with intense concentration!

In case the cake itself and the frosting were not enough sugar - the finished product added another layer of diabetic coma!

But, it's all worth it - Our lovely beautiful daughter Aurora was THRILLED with her creation!

What birthday would be complete without a wish?

Authentic & The Best Version....

Opening a new chapter of life is a bit like Christmas morning - you shouldn't know what is inside the box but dive in with sincere, blissful enthusiasm! I think that's a great analogy for the next chapter in my life - I'm diving in blind and blissful! In the last couple years I've been learning about desires, values, challenges and accomplishments. I cannot say that I've figured anything out except for this one item -

I am going to strive everyday to be the best version of myself. 

The genuine and authentic best version of me. 

Now, that sounds like a pretty straight forward task right? It would appear not. This perspective in life has actually opened many doors for me and I welcome each one without reservation. In the last couple years my children have challenged me and taught me to look deeply into why I am acting or reacting to things - and evaluate if that is really what I wanted to do. There is nothing like a child to break down the most complex of situations into "It's OK Mommy, let's just do something happier". 

Some places of my heart I've explored include my visions for my family. I'm a wife - but am I the best version I can be? Is there something I'm holding back? Is there a way I can rise to better uplift my marriage, support my husband and be in the moment? Am I telling him how much I love him? Am I laughing enough? I'm a mother. Of course I am committed to mothering my children and always looking back to evaluate - but am I looking into this moment right here to make sure I'm the best I can be today? I learn so much in hindsight, but I'm ready to try in this moment to reflect the things I really want my children to understand. What can I do this very moment to empower my children, laugh deeply with them and fall in love with this moment? I'm a friend. Am I really listening to my friends and reflecting the proper compassionate understanding that I want to? Is there more I can do to uplift, empower and enjoy with my dear friends? 

I find myself freer than I have ever felt before. I feel so little guilt or shame that I just let it go. I rebound faster from mistakes, and take on new challenges with so much enthusiasm - and sometimes that challenge is as simple as the nearly-2-year-old who just had a massive accident on the carpet. Sometimes those challenges are stopping in the middle of a dumb argument with my spouse and saying "I'm sorry, I'm being angry about something that isn't the real issue - I want to try again to explain what the underlying emotion is". Sometimes, it's listening to your 6 year old tell you that she misses you - because you're emotionally and physically unavailable or too darn busy with a baby and toddler to notice her as often as she'd like. These daily challenges are life shattering, earth moving, intensively real and hard. To not explode when your children tell you you're not doing enough - but to listen to them and validate their place and opinion. To not cry your eyes out when you didn't hold up your end of the working relationship you share with your spouse, instead to forgive and listen to him explain the let down of expectation is disappointing and he was counting on me. 

To still reach out - because connection is the essential part of the best version of me. 

 

Am I growing my family? One of the best things about living in the world that we enjoy today is technology provides us with opportunity to connect to those we love that might be far away. I'm learning to open my heart, to forget old wounds, to look at this moment to live in. I feel like I've lost 100 lbs from my chest! It's not secret that I am a victim of severe child neglect, abuse and trauma. However, I realized that I cannot go back - I can only dedicate so much of my life "learning from it" before it really is time to set it aside and move on. Now, I'm not implying this is an easy task - but one I find myself deeply committed to achieving. I've learned so much... 

In a few short days, I find myself preparing to enter a new phase - I will "go home" to a physical location that I vowed never to return to. Not only do I go willingly and without hesitation, I extend the trip to meet with my biological mother and my father in law - both tasks I expect will take enormous effort on my part to hold true to being the best version of myself. I go to meet up and support my best friend and my baby sister. I go to challenge my perception of what is and what can be. I go to expand and challenge myself. I feel that it would be so simple to stay home. To never challenge ghosts, to never call (insert a variety of relatives here). I could live life in my little bubble - but I wouldn't grow. 

So, as I get ready to pack this weekend, I'm excited. I'm thrilled and terrified. I'm patient and perfect. I'm authentically expanding myself to embrace the now - I look forward to getting to know my best friend in a new setting, to see my sister with new clarity, and try to be a better daughter in law and perhaps "meet" who my biological mother is today. I'm a bit scared, and that's ok. It's a good kind of scared! 

I'm excited to see what this best version of me today can bring!