Survival Instincts

Today sucked. 

I wish I could open with something better for this blog update, but really, I'm just tired and weary tonight. That's OK. Tomorrow is a new day! 

Last night I went out with friends. As midnight came and went as we enjoyed junk food from IHOP, we laughed and cried and laughed some more. None of us facing exactly the same challenge. None of us asking each other to put the best foot forward, we just sat together in empathy and true friendship. It was so uplifting...

But alas, a great night out cannot undo the built up stress of late. So today, I feel crappy.
Dumb.

This week when I was at the temple with my husband, I was pondering our survival instincts. Ya know, those ones that naturally kick in without you actively thinking about them? Yea. Those ones. Push turn to shove - we absolutely have them in our home. When we're crunched and stressed and just feeling blah.

I realized, when the world seems like a cold and dreary place - we circle the wagons! 

Sometimes I refer to myself as a ostrich. I've had to make several very important calls this week. Some financial mountains had to be scaled. Some routine things. Some new and exciting things. That's a lot to face in a week!

Often times our circling the wagons comes out as play. We want to hide from the world and just absorb all that is good within our walls.

We also set goals when we're stressed. 

Or do things that likely make our neighbors think we are completely insane. 

We celebrate the little things, because they are big things to us. 

We take naps, read books and snuggle with our favorite people!

and the routine things seem like great accomplishments!

And sometimes, routine appointments lead to fun new glasses!

Laughter cures all woes 

And the simple homemaking tasks can make you smile with pride. 

And sometimes, you just have to get outside in the sunshine and get dirty!

Besides, when you're outside at our place, you have these funny little animals follow you around. 

And then, there is the "I have no idea what to do either, let's play cards" 

Or a board game... one that Lani hasn't lost all the pieces to

When we're crunched, sometimes it helps to grow some ways that are unexpected.

I can't say I have any answers to some of the things keeping me up at night, but I can say I feel like I have everything I need. Support networks, outlets for emotions, and a healthy strong marriage that keeps me sane when I want to cry or rage about the injustice I see in the world.

It's been a crappy day but I knew flipping through our photos of the last 60 days, I'd find myself releasing stress and reminded of all the joys in my life.

Stellar way to end a crappy day. Perhaps it's not crappy after all. 

The view from up here.

I cannot believe it's been MONTHS since my last blog post. 

I have a confession to make - I fell into a pretty crappy place of being over the last couple months. Guess what else? I am no longer there and I completely forgive myself. 

If you've read my blog ever you would know I'm working on forgiving myself and I was climbing a mountain for the last 5 months. Well, let me tell you folks, we made it. WE FREAKING MADE IT. 

No more therapies. No more specialists. No more pumping. No more keep-your-phone-on-you-because-it-has-your-pump-alarm. No more stress.

Here's the thing though, I had to truly humble my expectations before life changed for us. 

There is so much I could say about this subject but at the core - I learned a lot.

Fundamentally, I learned that it didn't matter if I spent my year like this: 

Or like this:

I mattered as his mother either way.
HE mattered as my child either way. He was perfect in my eyes. Absolutely perfect.

I could say so very much. I could talk about the tears, the fears, the courage to try nursing again after burn out. I could give lengthy details about our oral reflex and strength training routines. I could cite the muscles he learned to use in his tongue or the sequence needed to correct his torticollis. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Our mother-baby dynamic is not measured by this one fact alone and when I accepted that, the Lord extended me a tender mercy.

This view from the top of our mountain climbing experience has humbled me. I have a profoundly deep respect for creation and how perfect each one of us is just as we are. I have learned to rely on the Lord for strength when my path was uncertain and learned to truly pray for the first time in my life selflessly.

The view from the top is glorious. 

My climbing buddy is pretty cute too :)