It's not lost.

Yesterday was a hard day. My emotions were rocky and I as fighting to keep my peaceful center. I cried. My children cried. My husband was sad with us too. I accomplished little on my "to do" list...... To the outside eye. On the other hand, I feel absolutely fantastic today reflecting back on yesterday. 

We drove by something that set off a cascade of emotions from my 6 year old yesterday about her loss of friendship recently. One of the biggest efforts I have put forth in a long time is holding a space, a special sacred space, for my delicate and loved little children who have been caught in their first real loss. I refuse to shy away from her tears, or ever leave her with the impression of guilt, shame and hollow sadness. She sobbed, begged to see her friend, pleaded for me to apologize and make things better.

Hours later, many many tears in our home later, there I stood as my husband said similar things, on a completely different topic. All efforts were lost, my time wasted, his heart hurt for me over the waste he saw in his view. How could I not see the loss? I held my own, I did not run or hide. I was being called in that moment to be the best version of myself yet again yesterday.

Well, dear family of mine - I've lost nothing. I'm OK crying it out in the moment with you all, but my darling loved ones, I have lost absolutely nothing and you haven't lost a damn thing either. There will be moments in my life when no human impact will have any effect in solving my sorrow - but those are the moments I refuse to stay in. I let the go as quickly and easily as they came. How can I help others see what I so strongly feel? Yes, dear child, you're friendship is ended forever, and yes, that is sad today to you - but little love, do not cry too long - your life, those happy beautiful moments you had with your friend, they are not lost. They built you to where you are today. They taught you, strengthened you, and refined your path. 


How can I share with you Love of my life, my time was never wasted. My efforts may not have produced what I expected, and the turn of events were different in my future vision - but that hard work, those lessons and all that was given was not in vain. Those moments were enjoyable, and only when others taint them do I feel sadness for the misunderstandings. Hard work will happen, and sometimes the end results in something completely different - but the joyous work and memories are not suddenly bad because the ending is different.

I appreciated Pres. Hinckley's remarks today to solidify my testimony of my standing in this home and my example to my family -

"We must never lose sight of the strength of the women. It is mothers who set the tone of the home. It is mothers who most directly affect the lives of their children. It is mothers who teach infants to pray, who read to them choice and beautiful literature from the scriptures and other sources. It is mothers who nurture them and bring them up in the ways of the Lord. Their influence is paramount."


"We frequently speak of our wives as the better half. It is essentially true," President Hinckley continued. "They are the creators of life. They are the nurturers of children. They are the teachers of young women. They are our indispensable companions. They are our co-workers in building the kingdom of God. How great is their role, how marvelous their contribution. How they add to the luster of life."


 So, while yesterday was rocky, and moments of doubt threatened to creep in and tried to eat at our foundation - I refused. I stood as the reminder to my loved ones - NOTHING is lost. Those efforts, those great times, the intense work, the heart and soul of our being in those moments are still absolutely glorious. Someone left? Yes. So what? Does that make them any less worthy of your love, your prayers and your smile as you reflect back to awesome memories at that park? NO. And yes, that field is empty, barren and dry. No land was tilled, no side-by-side husband-and-wife team work was found. SO WHAT. Does that make our previous times together planning, laughing, collaborating, planting and teaching our children suddenly complete shit? NO.

Life changes in miraculous ways. Don't taint memories or turn them ugly and somehow less special. What it was in those times, let it be that way. Allow yourself to welcome emotions as you learn and peacefully give them back to the universe greater than us and sit in the stillness of joy in your soul. There is nothing more peaceful than this moment, don't cloud it up with bull shit.

In short, yesterday was a hard, but glorious day. It reminded me of everything I want to be to this home. 

It taught me that yet again God  has had a hand at every step of this life, and those happy memories are still beautiful and happy. Today is all I am given for sure - I will arise to the occasion of making it GREAT