My husband decided to clean out the garage. Recently we lost our garage to junk and I think it was driving him batty... and me! So we committed to going through a lot of the boxes that we didn't know what they were or hadn't touched them in so long.
I was surprised when I opened one full of my childhood and school projects. Inside it was a quilt I never finished. A 12 piece quilt was one of the many projects I found in my box. I never completed the project, though I do remember it completely.
I was almost 13 years old and completely smitten with a kid named Ian. Oh the times you can see so vividly. Instead of thinking of the quilt with fondness like I should, I was struck suddenly and nearly viciously with sadness. I had pictures of myself, mementos on this quilt, and then, in one square... there was a poem. This was a poem I remember completely.
It described me for a very long time. How sad I am to think of the life I couldn't live. Too afraid to simply be me for fear that someone wouldn't like that person. I think we can all relate to the poem in some moments of our lives. What we really need to do is sit back and take a deep breath, and just be. Below follows the poem of a once very lost child....
The Paintbrush
I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do - that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case someone doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.
Bettie B. Youngs
But this wonderful blog doesn't end in sadness... instead, I took the moment to reflect on the sadness, and I felt relief. It is amazing when you can look back and see growth. Wow. Its been a beautiful, crazy, and dynamic road I've journeyed so far....
I chucked the paintbrush long ago, and found something new. I found confidence in myself. I found a beautiful family and wonderful friends. I found life! So instead of hiding behind paint... I color life vibrantly with my loved ones!!!
Coloring Outside the Lines
Coloring outside the Lines is scary business.
Some days, I don't have the courage for it at all.
On my big, bold days though,
I like to let my red crayon just streak across the lines
Out there with my purple...
In perfect freedom,
No Lines!
Coloring outside the Lines is lonely too!
I'm the only one who doesn't get a gold star on my paper.
The teacher frowns.
The kids call me weird or dumb or stupid.
Why don't they see that I'm not behind them,
I'm actually out in front,
Running free...outside the lines!
It would be nice to have a friend who would
color outside the lines sometimes, too.
Would You?
I found wonderful people that do color outside the lines with me, and its amazing.
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