I am going to strive everyday to be the best version of myself.
The genuine and authentic best version of me.
Now, that sounds like a pretty straight forward task right? It would appear not. This perspective in life has actually opened many doors for me and I welcome each one without reservation. In the last couple years my children have challenged me and taught me to look deeply into why I am acting or reacting to things - and evaluate if that is really what I wanted to do. There is nothing like a child to break down the most complex of situations into "It's OK Mommy, let's just do something happier".
Some places of my heart I've explored include my visions for my family. I'm a wife - but am I the best version I can be? Is there something I'm holding back? Is there a way I can rise to better uplift my marriage, support my husband and be in the moment? Am I telling him how much I love him? Am I laughing enough? I'm a mother. Of course I am committed to mothering my children and always looking back to evaluate - but am I looking into this moment right here to make sure I'm the best I can be today? I learn so much in hindsight, but I'm ready to try in this moment to reflect the things I really want my children to understand. What can I do this very moment to empower my children, laugh deeply with them and fall in love with this moment? I'm a friend. Am I really listening to my friends and reflecting the proper compassionate understanding that I want to? Is there more I can do to uplift, empower and enjoy with my dear friends?
I find myself freer than I have ever felt before. I feel so little guilt or shame that I just let it go. I rebound faster from mistakes, and take on new challenges with so much enthusiasm - and sometimes that challenge is as simple as the nearly-2-year-old who just had a massive accident on the carpet. Sometimes those challenges are stopping in the middle of a dumb argument with my spouse and saying "I'm sorry, I'm being angry about something that isn't the real issue - I want to try again to explain what the underlying emotion is". Sometimes, it's listening to your 6 year old tell you that she misses you - because you're emotionally and physically unavailable or too darn busy with a baby and toddler to notice her as often as she'd like. These daily challenges are life shattering, earth moving, intensively real and hard. To not explode when your children tell you you're not doing enough - but to listen to them and validate their place and opinion. To not cry your eyes out when you didn't hold up your end of the working relationship you share with your spouse, instead to forgive and listen to him explain the let down of expectation is disappointing and he was counting on me.
To still reach out - because connection is the essential part of the best version of me.
Am I growing my family? One of the best things about living in the world that we enjoy today is technology provides us with opportunity to connect to those we love that might be far away. I'm learning to open my heart, to forget old wounds, to look at this moment to live in. I feel like I've lost 100 lbs from my chest! It's not secret that I am a victim of severe child neglect, abuse and trauma. However, I realized that I cannot go back - I can only dedicate so much of my life "learning from it" before it really is time to set it aside and move on. Now, I'm not implying this is an easy task - but one I find myself deeply committed to achieving. I've learned so much...
In a few short days, I find myself preparing to enter a new phase - I will "go home" to a physical location that I vowed never to return to. Not only do I go willingly and without hesitation, I extend the trip to meet with my biological mother and my father in law - both tasks I expect will take enormous effort on my part to hold true to being the best version of myself. I go to meet up and support my best friend and my baby sister. I go to challenge my perception of what is and what can be. I go to expand and challenge myself. I feel that it would be so simple to stay home. To never challenge ghosts, to never call (insert a variety of relatives here). I could live life in my little bubble - but I wouldn't grow.
So, as I get ready to pack this weekend, I'm excited. I'm thrilled and terrified. I'm patient and perfect. I'm authentically expanding myself to embrace the now - I look forward to getting to know my best friend in a new setting, to see my sister with new clarity, and try to be a better daughter in law and perhaps "meet" who my biological mother is today. I'm a bit scared, and that's ok. It's a good kind of scared!
I'm excited to see what this best version of me today can bring!
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