The comforts of home are so unlimited. As I sit here in my living room, my 4 year old dancing around in her new dress, my other three children sound asleep still, I am reflecting on my journey of the past week. I may have failed to mention in previous blog posts - but last week I attempted and accomplished a huge task. I set out on a road trip to multiple destinations and was scared, thrilled, terrified, excited, anxious, peaceful about the whole thing. I figured life really was to bring me the answers that I needed to know - Mattew 7:7-8 is very clear -
Ask, and it shall be given to you; Seek and ye shall find; Knock and the door shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh recieveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.
Yes, I did indeed knock on this door and will accept the answers I was given during our road trip. My goals were absolute and pure - I wanted to connect my family together. I wanted to heal my own wounds by facing them and I wanted to face some of the darkest memories in my life while maintaining being authentic and the best version of myself that I could possibly be. As it turns out, this was no easy task and it did not go at all like I saw it playing out in my mind.
It was better and worse, it was so amazing and connecting, and down right terrifying and disconnecting. In the end, one door firmly will be closed by my choice and another will remain open with joy and welcome.
Our trip started out not with the actual trip, but with the news of my husbands grandfathers severe illness and the SOS call from his grandmother. We knew instantly he would answer that call - he would go down to California no matter what it cost. Family is family and until dangerous or harmful, we will uphold our beliefs of supporting one another. My personal take on this trip was pretty deep - for the first time in more than 15 years, there sat my husband, his brother, his mother and her parents. A glimpse into what used to be and a peek into a better way of life - one that connected families again. Who knows? My prayers are certainly there.
This SOS call set off a series of interesting events however. It came on the night before I was set to leave on my 1200 mile journey to see family. Should I go still? Should I stay home? Can I afford to even go still? What was the right path? I honestly didn't decide to go still until I awoke that morning. I knew it would not take until a life or death situation for me to make this trip a priority. I just had to go. Staying meant I could easily have an excuse - that I wouldn't have to face adversity or ghosts. I chose to go.
Bright and early, we took off on the first leg of our trip. Destination : Springfield Oregon, the place of many terrorizing and life changing memories of my childhood. I cannot tell you how many times I considered turning around. Even when I was just 20 miles away, I pulled over and seriously thought of just driving home.
We did have fun moments on our trip there - this is a rest stop where we cleaned up a big mess by one little boy and the girls had a blast playing in the snow in their jammies. Yes, I had there big coats, gloves, hats, and all that jazz - but did they want it? No!
We stopped many times to nurse. More times to have a million potty breaks.
And our drive brought us from the desert to a beautiful valley of green... I had forgotten how many shades of green there were. Stunning.
Our Oregon part of our trip was nothing short of fantastic and scary! This was the most scary portion of the trip to me but as it turns out - the least traumatizing and the most rewarding. I'm so thankful to the Landen family for hosting us and giving us a warm comfy setting to sleep. Our children LOVED playing with Andy and Carma and called them Grandpa and Grandma. It was great to support my best friend Megan during her long stay without her husband. We had packed a huge cooler full of food and camped indoors - I cannot tell you how great it was to sleep on the floor with my kids. Now that might sound about the dumbest thing you've heard today, but honestly, I loved it. I was alone hundreds of miles away from my home and comfort items - all I had was my family! I loved reading to my children every night as they fell asleep surrounding me. I loved waking up with them within arms reach. I loved hearing my older kids snore slightly as I nursed in the middle of the night. Being all together on the floor was exactly what my soul needed.
See those beautiful 4 tiny souls on the floor? Yep, somewhere in the middle was the spot for me!
Oregon brought the reconnection with my biological mother. A terrifying feat alone, but it was coupled with wanting to firmly support and uplift my sister in her new motherhood and support my best friend as she connected with her best version of herself too. It was AWESOME!! Though, it did make me stop and think about many things - like how to explain that Ruby and I were indeed sisters but who I called mom wasn't my real mother. It's amazing how my 6 year old accepted my simple explanation - Sue gave birth to me but wasn't ready to be a mother, so she gave me to Peggy. It really is as simple as that. She asked a lot of questions like "didn't she want you?" that I faced with startling pain and deep fear - but I feel like I answered truthfully and with strength - Sometimes in life, people are broken and do the best they can.
Some twists in the story I didn't expect, my baby sister and her beautiful son decided to come back to Idaho with us for a stay. I am so excited and amazed to connect with this beautiful new version of her. She has grown into a wonderful and brilliant person that I'm SO thrilled to get to know all over again. I learned more about Andy and Carma, our wonderful hosts. I also got to witness my biological mother in her own element. I learned a lot about her while I was there in her home. It was terrifying every single time I made that short drive down Main St. I literally shook and had to focus on driving and breathing. It was intense to say the least.
I was thrilled to tackle some deep conversations and feel welcomed and met with such pure honesty that it was soul changing. I know that our wounds are healed. Now, does that mean that I won't still hurt from time to time reflecting backward? Nope, I'm sure I will. But it's not broken or bitter. It's forgiven and let go except to use as a lesson to learn from. We've grown, changed, learned and accepted. We're letting go of everything we thought we knew about each other and deciding to learn what each of us is today.
Here's a glimpse into our brief stay in Oregon:
My snuggly, thumb sucking baby girl. She slept really well considering!
Don't get me wrong - there were tears. My kids did the best they could on a long journey away from home!
And our big kids had a great time at a classic childhood place I remembered fondly!
Our Oregon portion ended with the news that my amazing husband would be joining me in Seattle. WOO HOO!! Can I tell you just how AWESOME this was?! After such an intense 4 days in Oregon, I was ready to call it quits and give up. I almost did. Wasn't it enough to face one ghost? Wasn't it enough to call it such an amazing success to reconnect with this portion of my family? Did I need to knock on more doors for more answers?
Indeed, I did... Part 2 will come later.
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