We took a vacation... and I fell apart (part one)

Ha! We can't have a predictable title for our vacation blog can we? For the first time in 8 years, we took a VACATION as an entire family. Not a quick get away, but an entire week dedicated to nothing but our children and relaxation? Incredible. This year I was suppose to take a couple but life happens and threw us some curve balls... so in January when I was really upset about our growing family, Damon asked me: "What do you need?". Do you have any idea how BIG of a question that is?! I really really pondered it. Of course, you all know that my initial response was "A case of tequila and a one way ticket to Mexico" - but as I pondered it for the first week or so I was confronted with the need to carry on - to not let this completely throw us for a loop, but to do much of what we planned with our year. On that note, it was the middle of the night on my phone that I booked the hotel impulsively for my little family to actually take a vacation. In hindsight, I'm so glad I did but in the moment, it was a desperate plea to resume normal despite this really new path I was facing!

Fast forward to June - ready or not, we loaded up and set off! It was everything we needed and wanted from a vacation. We saw some family, we enjoyed big city features that our kids really wanted to see and we enjoyed some "no agenda at all" days.

It was really funny to me to pack without all our camping gear! The suburban felt HUGE. You can see we brought a small cooler (packed lunches and snacks daily) but really, it was awesome to not feel cramped a bit.... That is, until it was 3 am and we had arrived in Seattle. You see, we're absolutely insane and to get the "full effect" of vacation - I didn't want to impact Damon's work schedule more than I needed to and wanted to keep a tight budget... so what do you do when you can check in at 3 pm? You of course drive through the night before you have any place to go and you "sleep in the car".

What a fiasco. A suburban is indeed a big vehicle but when there are a million people and million car seats and it's 3 am? It's the smallest vehicle known to man. Declan slept under Anaius's seat, Kalani and Aurora smashed together in the blank space next to Anaius, Damon "slept" (code for was jabbed in the kidneys with seat belts for a few hours) across the front, Daunika half slept sitting semi reclined along the few inches in the leg room of the third row.... and that left Anaius and me... It might have been easier if he just slept in his car seat but I have none such luck yall... So I gave up, unloaded the cooler and totes in the back and curled up next to the pack & play and the random stuff... That is only AFTER I squabbled at my husband for forgetting things like sleeping at a rest area was smarter than random road side because we'd all need to pee in the morning... Ha. What a morning.

So, what do you do when you have had minimal hours of sleep, in a car, and have no where to go? You expect your children to be completely ready to meet their grandma in IHOP of course. I am so thankful for her great suggestion of meeting us for breakfast but in hindsight, I really set Anaius up for failure. He needed to run and roam first, then potentially be "people ready". We survived and decided to go adventure for our Sunday morning - we wanted to take all our kids to a park and get all our wiggles out. Shouldn't be THAT hard to find a park right?

Wrong. First, we tried a local elementary school... those have playgrounds, yes? Well, apparently they also have 6' fall chain link fences with locks on all the gates. Clearly, when we lived in Seattle we never paid any attention to if the area was children friendly. Not to be bummed.... we both hit our smart phones to look up nearby parks. We drove to several different locations and found they had been privately purchased, were gated and locked. In Boise, Idaho, you cant swing a cat without hitting a great park location for the whole family. So, a little defeated and lost, we drove around assuming there had to be a park SOMEWHERE.... Nope.

We did find a beautiful nature trail and river though. That hit the spot perfectly. Green? Water? Sunshine? Kids running all over the place? Ah.

But you saw I mentioned water right? So of course, our youngest three children decided they needed baths.... Not to be deterred, we just carried on, changing clothes before hitting our next stop - The Seattle Museum of Flight.

This was a stellar location and we all had a blast! I really wish we could have gone back but I'm sure it will be there another time! All our children have enjoyed going to the Boise Airport here... They like learning about how it works but I'm sure you all know it's really locked down and impossible to see much... this was the opposite! They were so amazed to see planes coming and going every 10 minutes!! Not only did they enjoy take off and landing shows, they boarded several really cool planes (including JFKs' Air Force One!)

It was interesting to hear their comments on "I didn't realize it had so many buttons!" "I thought it would be a lot more like a car" "they have lots of toilets!"... Oh my silly fun kiddos. I love you so.



Inside the museum was equally cool. Engines dissected, different military planes, models of the first planes, and more. We spent several hours there in the after and it was just awesome.

Sunday evening, my awesome mother in law and her room mate hosted us to their home for a BBQ. I could have just cried with her warm welcome and hospitality. I was so tired and achey from my awful few hours of sleep! The kids had a great time in her beautiful back yard playing and coloring.

By the time we made it back to our hotel, we crawled into beds and were asleep without a single peep from anyone!

Monday was another beautiful day in Seattle. We decided to take our kids to the Seattle Temple grounds to explore another beautiful LDS temple. It's HUGE! I had never seen it (wasn't a member when we lived there). It was a beautiful peaceful walk around the grounds. 

And after the temple, we decided to go find a childrens place the kids wanted to go to. Upon arriving, it was way small and closed. So, imagine my kids complaints as I'm scrambling to yell "PLOT TWIST" and come up with a new plan for the second half of our day.

We hit the Woodland Park Zoo. Great weather continued, we had a yummy lunch in our car and we ended with happy kids all around.

Leaving Seattle in rush hour on Monday we felt no particular rush (we're on vacation!) but must have been in the perfect place at the perfect time. We watched an older ford that literally had it's windows duct taped break down in the center of 5 lanes on I-5. We stopped. We towed them off the freeway and to the nearest gas station.

Seems simple enough but you realize in Seattle things like that don't happen. Our vehicle is rather large compared to most there and we keep a "car" box in the back that includes basic tools and recovery/towing items. Mostly, we keep it in case WE need it... and ya know what? We do need it. We need it to help others. Our survival and our souls depend on it. The guy had never been towed before, ran over the strap, ruined it. It wasn't like some smooth sailing experience but it was exactly what we needed to do to remind ourselves service is not an option - it's an entire way of life. Even in the middle of vacation, reach out and HELP someone! 

Tuesday was a relaxed day and a tricky one. I knew I'd have some limitations keeping up with our intensely packed schedule and I've mostly figured out what hurts my ligament and what doesn't now - YAY!! But Tuesday I hadn't yet figured out some major triggers of pain, and there is the tricky situation with me not quite comfortable seeing my father in law - so Anaius and I stayed in to do laundry and enjoy a peaceful dinner while the kids went bowling with Damon and Mike.

I knew it was going to be tricky. We'd talked about it a lot but it was a lot harder than I imagined. Lots of triggers of a former life where I was accused of "stealing his son" and made the villain. It was yucky emotionally and certainly left a major "hang over" of awful emotions that lingered in the back ground.

So, I'm certain it's not hard to imagine the falling apart coming.......... 

Part 2 will have to wait though, kiddos need me! 

Springtime on this micro-homestead!

Silence on the blog might be a good sign... It's the sign of a busy full swing spring season at our place! Each and every year, I set some goals for what I hope to accomplish with our homestead for that year (who am I kidding, I re-write my plan more than that!). I started this spring with a goal : get more done. 

GET. MORE. DONE. 

Sheeesh. I am hard on myself, aren't I? I think I'm either growing or shrinking, so let's do this thing and GROW! So, what in the world was I going to do to push myself and my yard to grow more? A lot! I can fully admit that I'm the worlds worst planner and I wing it. I'm not detailed in my plans. In fact, I might even say that I have a lot to learn from others in the planning division. So, with a general idea of what I think I could accomplish this spring - I dove in. 

First up on the spring agenda: Second beam placement! 

With the help of my awesome brother Rafa, our good friend Joe and the master planning skills of my husband Damon, the second beam was completed without hiccup on Easter weekend. The beam placement meant more old framing could come out and we'd be in the clear for the kitchen island to go in. Though we had some delays with our island cabinets, this is the "last" of the remodel project for the Spring/Summer season and I'm feeling peaceful about the timeline we're on.

In the middle of our remodel, I had the feeling of "this home isn't quite right" and I realized that I was missing my childrens art work from our walls. Before the septic fiasco and losing all that drywall downstairs, I had lots of stuff on the walls from them. So, I moved my picture of Jesus from my living room, loaded us all in the car to buy paint and my children spent DAYS filling the wall in our living room!!!!! Ah. Much better. 

With Spring hitting Idaho - we had fun weather!! Both hail storms and glorious sunshine with lovely flowers in the same week? Yep, SPRING ! 

April was a wonderful month. We had fun at the zoo, the discovery center, outings with friends and more.... In the middle of writing this blog post, a child needed me and I was transferring photos from my phone.... Anaius decided to delete them. Poof. Gone! I cried. He cried because I yelped so loud upon discovering him sitting on my computer.... And so y'all will just have to take my word for it - it was a good month..... For family not on Facebook, here's a quick recap from what I recovered from my April posts. 

Declan broke his arm! 

3 weeks with a cast above his elbow - another 3-4 with the new shorter cast.... 

Damon was a complete bad ass and trenched our driveway so we now have water on the southside of our property! 

And Daunika spent over 5 hours testing for her eyes to help us understand what she needs to be more successful and how to fix what's going on. She was so nervous. It was hard for me as her mom to sit by and watch. What an exercise in shutting up - I couldn't give her all the answers! 

And Damon used this really nifty machine to build me a lovely new berm!

I HAD photos of the kids getting rides with Damon... but since I didn't post them on facebook and Anaius "helped" me, you'll just have to trust me when I say the kids had a blast when Dad brought home this machine to move some dirt at our place. 

Spring brought something new to our little homestead too!

I'm trying to align my expectations for this summer with expecting another baby in the peak garden-harvest/canning season. I was pretty bummed to realize that a big veggie garden was likely far more than I needed to put on my plate this year. I felt so sad to think of the ground barren for this year. I was talking to my husband on the phone about this disappointment... I said something about "this would be a great years to put pigs on the garden space to have them compost and hog till everything, eat all the weed roots AND we'd have meat in the freezer by fall. Damon responded casually that he agreed that wasn't a bad idea...... 

2 days later, I picked up pigs.

I think he's questioning ever telling me I have a good idea again. 

But seriously. They are AMAZING!!! I'm SO happy that I'm whimsical with my homestead and dive in head first. These little piggies are so loved and will bless our family with a full freezer! I didn't have a plan. I didn't have anything I needed exactly "just right".

I just LOVE May. I can't tell you how much it just reaches a core of me that I didn't know existed before living here. It's so alive, so vital and healthy. So much to do, it's overwhelming. So much to do, it's satisfying. 

You can see the pasture mix we seeded early this year is thriving alive and well in the goat pen. They are so spoiled! I seriously adore my goats. And those chickens? I tolerate them mostly. They get lots of yummy greens and have a huge pen where nothing grows because they are expert dirt scratchers.

The raspberry patch is exploding this year! I'm also in the battle of a lifetime with Candian Thistle. Seriously, this weed is sent straight from hell. I'm ready to light the whole yard on fire and watch it burn.... except I'd lose all my efforts and established plants! 

Our baby trees are so healthy and thriving. Apricots, peaches, nectarines, plums, apples and a lone pear dot our mini-orchard. It's so fun to watch them grow!

And guess what? The pigs aren't the only new thing around here! 

We live on such a busy road and want to both provide privacy to our yard, boundaries to those driving by, AND use the land to our advantage. We decided that 100 feet of blackberries would do the trick. I spent the Saturday before mothers day planting blackberries! And my stellar husband began the posts for the trellises to train them up on mothers day! 

Such babies, so much HOPE in those tiny little plants! 

As a fun end note, I love when people say "how did you learn all these skills?" and I have to scramble to look intelligent. The truth is, I have NO skill other than this: 

I try. Fearlessly. 

I didn't grow up with any example of gardening. I had never seen a livestock animal outside of the fair and mostly hated them because they were stinky. I have failed a million times. I have had things die on me - both animal and plant and I felt the loss so deeply in my bones I hurt. 

If someone asked me how to do it all, I wouldn't have a clue of what to say! 

Instead, I simply haven't given up. I'm not the best at a damn thing y'all. So, get out there. Try. FAIL and ask yourself what you learned in failing. It's so incredibly vulnerable to place your hope in things, I understand. That's ok. Gamble with the dirt and a packet of seeds. It's worth it. 

We kicked off March with a bang!

Today started like any other - breakfast was a fend-for-yourself smorgasbord of yogurt, fresh fruit, fresh loaf of bread Aurora made... Tuesday's are our typical go-go-go day. Homeschool co-op, game day with friends for the afternoon, and an evening of playing taxi service from choir to activity days to work meetings for me. So, imagine my delight in being able to NAP in the middle of the afternoon today (though I'm sure my kids missed game day). Anaius and me tucked into bed and caught a couple ZZZ's... The bigger kids colored, played on the computer and read books. Waking up startled but rested was fun - and I hadn't been awake more than 30 minutes when a CRASH was heard from our basement. Checking that I could see all my kids on the main floor of the house, I assumed they stacked toys too high and did not immediately go check on the noise. A little while later, our kids are shouting "What happen to the window?" and I'm puzzled!

Since 1943/1944 - this window has sat in it's sill but today, it decided to exit on it's own onto our concrete floor. I think the universe is telling me to guard my thoughts with exact care. I had been telling my lovely husband how I wanted to have windows that opened so fresh air could be enjoyed in the basement during nice weather. It was put on the "to do someday" list..... BE CAREFUL what you put on your to do list folks!

But don't worry - March may have started with a bang, but I genuinely let loose a laughter of irony and "what else can I do" mentality. This same laughter and mentality got me through all of February. Coming up with the unexpected and rolling with it life outlook is one that is being refined in my heart and soul lately.

But really, with AWESOME kids like these, who would I be to spend a moment of my time feeling sad. This was snapped while we were playing at a local park & elementary school playground one sunny Sunday afternoon. One of the greatest challenges in expecting another baby isn't that having kids is hard - it's really really FUN to have these 5 - but it's the sense of there is only ONE of me and that inherently means I have limitations in time and energies. I am realistic that these little people demand a lot and I think I'm feeling comfortable realizing that my belief system of "not doing it all alone" is a reality. It means I love that I've found some awesome math curriculum that unburdens that horrendous subject from my life for a bit and allows me to really shine at topics I adore - like anything but math.

I'm facing some real brain benders on my career lately and have not yet decided on any one path. I am grateful I don't have to. I'm 29. I have a fairly large family, lofty travel goals and a whole lots of home responsibilities that I really enjoy. I have plenty of awesome time to just live - working or not. I am so incredibly grateful for my husbands career and business that affords me the option of staying at home with our babies. It's a luxury and one I don't take lightly. So, am I going back to work after this baby? I don't know and that feels pretty awesome. 

Anyone who knows us knows that board games are a big part of our lives. Did you know: I didn't know how to play chess until Declan taught me. Then Damon thought it was so funny that I didn't know how to play that of course we played a round, which lead to me LOSING. Then these adorable men in my life played some rounds too! Oh so fun. I still don't know the names of all the pieces like my kids do, but I can lose a round without looking too stupid now! 

This lovely sweet girl of ours got some stellar new glasses and is getting ready to enter a specialty therapy for some vision problems that can not be corrected with just glasses. We had hoped glasses would help correct it but we're more than 2 years in of wearing glasses and it has continued to get worse not better - I'm grateful for a local option to help! :) 

 I am so excited that this year is an early spring. I admit "resting" for this pregnancy is mentally impossible for me and I sneak outside any chance I can make a legitimate excuse. This kid helps with those excuses because he LOVES to be outside. He sat on this old broken lawnmower for a long time making driving noises. He's content to roll in the dirt, build, adventure, and get into everything outside. Such a kid after my own heart isn't he? 

These two big girls are amazing. This is them carrying out a bucket of clean fresh water to our goats. There is just so much I could say about the special bond between these two but really - everyone already knows. It sparkles out of them like rainbows breaking through the clouds. They work side by side together (like accomplishing chores as shown), playing elaborate games together, crafting for hours and doing school work together is always funner when you have a sister with you!

All in all, I'm excited to enter a new month. I feel incredibly calm, peaceful and ridiculously excited to see all that is coming up - I might need glued to my seat to relax.

Where there are books...

What a powerful thought.

I was thinking yesterday about our library addiction. It's pretty epic.

From the time I was a little girl, the library has been the most magical place in the world to me. It had the ability to make the world feel safe and connected while making it feel massive and untouchable in the same moments. I was drawn to variety most of all. I do not waste my life by sticking to one author, one topic, one type of book. Life is far too short to consider limitation on books.

A woman I know was asking me about what my children's lists for school work looks like... but I had to start with the most fundamental belief, down to my core, about my children's education - Everything comes second to reading in our home. First and foremost - the only skill we teach from birth is reading. Until my children can full independently read, nothing else is in focus.

Reading is the gateway to all their desires. It can bring them everything from God's word when they are weary to a full guide on a far away land they want to backpack through after graduation. Reading is the core of our life. I have seen my children consume books with a desire to conquer multiplication and devour books in a whole adventure series because they can not consider not knowing what happens next. Literacy skills are the foundation to everything we do in this home.

Who has time to read in a go-go-go world like ours? In my opinion, you don't have time, you make time. When we consider what is good, better, and best for our family - books is always the best choice for us. Of course I have reluctant readers, I have non-readers, I have cant-be-bothered-to-eat-today-this-book-is-too-good readers and I have one tiny tear-the-pages-if-mom-isn't-watching readers in this house.... All of them valuable readers.

This is our book box for going to the library - 

It's a toolbox. It used to have a tray in it and a lid with metal clasps to close it.... But I needed heavy artillery to hit the library and this fit the bill perfectly (though, between you and me, I'm considering buying a bigger one because I fear I have out grown this one). Over and over again through the years, this box has been lugged in and out of library after library. Sometimes I get wonderful comments from people, sometimes I get comments from moms that call me insane for allowing that many "liabilities" in my home at once. Nay sayers or not, there is nothing to stop me from a home filled with books!

In our home you'll find books in every room. They are on the couch from a kid who forgot to put them back but were quickly discovered by another kiddo who thought I should read them all to her. They are in bedrooms and though banned from the bathroom, on occasion, they are found there too.

They are found in pathways to sleeping children as if they set their shoes and their books down before falling into bed at night. It's an adorable, funny fact that I find this trail to their beds almost every morning. 

And in conclusion to our lifelong love affair - this quote is apt to what I hope for my children. I want them to read so much that questions they didn't even know arise in their bones and move them forward with passion. I wish that every book they encounter can spark a fire that blazes brighter than they could have imagined and invokes a drive to read more, do more, be more.

Modeling this love affair with books is perhaps what I'll be remembered for in our home. Books, my loves, is the gateway to everything.

How's school going?

When the world seemed to collapse around me this past week - Damon swooped in to ask a valid question:

"What do you need?"

Let me tell you what immediately came to mind.... A whole case of tequila and a one-way ticket to Mexico. I'm not even kidding. I wanted to run far, far away and forget this crazy life. That was for about 3 minutes. Then I took him seriously - what DID I need? Ha. That took longer to figure out.

I decided not to answer for a couple days. I wasn't sure what I needed, I only knew what I didn't need (the unexpected). I pondered what could I possibly ask for that would make this better for me. I was wallowing in self pity. Then I had a gorgeous day at the park with my kids. And guess what? The next day was equally beautiful and I took my babies to the park again. And the day after that! Another sunshine and breezy perfect day, an afternoon walk to the park. During these walks, I realized what I needed was perspective. When my life starts to feel out of control, I do not find it helpful to pick apart the out-of-control moments. I feel deep gratitude for not feeling forced in any direction, but enough time to ponder and take stock of my own life.

So, in my effort to define what I need during this unexpected time in my life, I've come to realize, I want to focus on things going stellar right now. One of those things? Home schooling my babies. I have no great explanation for why it's going so well. I'm not great at planning things. I forget that I am suppose to take the kids somewhere for a class, a group, whatever. I'm disorganized and chaotic usually. But ya know what? I really really love watching my children come alive when they learn!

There is nothing more incredible than watching them fall in love with the world around them and pick up their passions. I am simply one mentor along the way. I consider my time with them sacred and I want them to have the very best opportunities! Sometimes that means trying a sport and deciding you hate it. Sometimes, that means rearranging my work schedules and honoring my time commitments to my little people - this came up for me recently!

Oh man was it hard! I was invited by someone who truly inspires me to attend a trial run of a class/thought provoking speech she's going to share with some people who matter - and I really wanted to soak up all the goodness I could from her. But I also promised my children I would be home by 1 pm for us to do a science experiment..... 10 am.... 11 am... 12 pm... 1201... 1202... before I knew it, it was 12:25 and I had to wrestle with my desires - to continue to listen to this inspiring woman or pick up and go BE that inspiring woman for some really cool little people in my home.

I went home. It was the right thing to do and I'm so glad I did. We had a blast with our VERY messy expirement. I don't know what I missed and of course, I'm human so I'm sad I missed something but I honor my time and guard it wisely - that includes sometimes walking out of meetings to go be a mentor.

Here's a sneak peek into our typical week.... Though, in true Huberty fashion, no two days ever look exactly the same.

We play a LOT of board games. This is Scrambled States of America. Why choose a boring textbook when board games do the same thing? I'm amazed at how fast my kids retain information when winning is on the line. They must get that competitive streak from me! 

This is a list. A printed list. This photo is proof I'm willing to step outside of MY comfort zone to honor the needs of the many personalities of my children. I'm not a list maker. I tend to feel creativity is stifled and I feel oppression from lists. But a couple of my children adore list making. For them, it is structured and safe feeling. So, for a couple months I warred with what list making would look like in our home. So, with a bit of inspiration from a friend recently, we found a common ground. Enough list for productivity and not too much that I feel it stifles creativity. 

This sweet child of mine is the one who loves lists. Not like a little adoration, but a big ol' love affair. She has countless lists. She's planning a vacation for five years from now. She is something else, I tell ya. I am really proud of her for speaking up and nurturing her list making habit into her school work. She loves schedules, outlines, and expectations in line with reality. Change is sometimes hard for her but when she is an active participant in growing something important to her - she embraces it with an assertiveness that I really adore.

Our love of words continues. The dictionary is such a lovely companion for any day of the week. 

Philosophically - I'm pretty play-based-learning for my younger kids. I couldn't imagine a workbook in sight for these young years. But what DO I do for learning activities with them? Well, PLAY OF COURSE! If you can play a game to learn it, we're on it! Kalani loves these massive playing cards. She has learned to count comfortably without ever thinking about it.

And how do I teach her colors? And what is left and right?
TWISTER.

Now, I have a confession. I really love playing games with my kids - but playing the full version of monopoly with these two is the slowest process in the world. They want to sound out the words, they want to count incorrectly money to me, and generally do it all themselves. It's painful folks. Somehow, we are getting through it and they want to play it daily. Oye.

I much prefer to play this one with our big kids, but we'll keep chugging through because someday these little people will turn into big people who surprise me!

So, what do we do when we're not playing? There is room in our lives for textbooks. And workbooks. And science experiments. And book clubs and choir practice and violin practice and enough reading to shame a whole library full of readers.

I have no plan. None what so ever because it's me - and I wing it y'all. But in the absence of planning, I'm just following their amazing brains and getting out of the way to let them really spread wings to fly. 

I won't be finishing my kitchen this year after all....

We're in the middle of a massive remodel. Truthfully, it's going awesome. We have removed 5 full walls and a partial wall thus far and are no where close to done moving around a million walls in this crazy place of ours. I am so incredibly happy with the open space we're creating. Our home was fine before but it didn't serve us the way we wanted for our family. In ever other home we've lived in, the sense of open space was greater. When we moved to this old farm house, it was a rental. We looked at it as a temporary home. Who knew we would realize our dreams of it becoming ours and actually carry out those crazy late night conversations of "what would you do to this old house if it were ours?"

Many have seen our transformations through my facebook page. I've gone through many emotions in sharing our journey and I have come to realize that I'm frustrated with myself. I have allowed others questions to bother me.

"When are you going to be done" 

"How can you handle the construction mess"

"Aren't you just ready to put it back together" 

"I could never live like that"

Under what pretense are these lines of questioning suppose to invoke a sense of encouragement and genuine inquiry vs a feeling of interrogation? I admit, WHO asking the questions matters. Those who genuinely care about us are closer and understand our goals of remaining debt free through our process. They know we work on a tiny tiny budget as a household and refuse to let that stop us from being productive and feeling accomplished. What doesn't feel good is people who seldom stop to ask us how we are, and only do so out of social expectation, asking about my personal home. I think the one that really hurts is the last question. The implication that somehow we're living in a sub-standard condition is a bit offensive. I'll be adult enough to acknowledge my own control of my feelings - but it still isn't exactly uplifting when others imply there is something wrong about remodeling our home on a longer timeline. We're not exactly living in a hut in the middle of nowhere. We have fully functioning plumbing (though I've heard a million times how HARD it must be to have "just" one bathroom), we have a kitchen with the same function as any other - a space to cook, cool, freeze, and otherwise store items used in food preparations. blah blah blah... 

Aside from the physical needs being met, what we have is a home. Our home is open to the world - as a place to be welcomed. It is the place we grow, fight, laugh and genuinely find our place of solace if we're hurting. This home is our home and of course I feel protective of it. I thought of retaking this photo without the kids in it - but it's reality. This crazy baby of ours LOVES to climb on the table right now. Declan is running into the room excited to play a board game and Aurora is ready to play too! Of course, you can see our other values showing too - our buckets of food with no current place to hide, our decorations that we made as a family that need packed away, and our TWO monopoly games (because I can play with two youngers and two olders at the same time but they are very different paced games!). This house isn't just a house - it's the birth place to everything I love about everything in my life!

So, what's the plan? Everyone seems to want to know. Let me tell you folks - it's been a bit of a process to plan everything out on a budget! We're all about function and a wee bit of beauty must be thrown in for sanity-sake! Our goals this year are to focus on the main floor (despite the major set backs with the basement last fall with the septic disaster!). First on the agenda is the kitchen. Our plans are extensive to have custom built cabinets, an eat-in kitchen that seats 10 around a massive "island" that will replace our dining room table, and so on. During the process of remodeling the kitchen - we'll bring the electrical up to code in this area, we'll fix major structural deficiencies, and make it beautiful of course!!

I absolutely adore this little home of mine. But I'm accepting that this year has thrown me a giant curve ball. I've been adamant that my kitchen will be completed in 2016. I have majorly increased my personal workload and I am dropping every penny I have into this kitchen..... right? Well, let me tell you, I have been struck with failure this week.

Failure. What a word. I've felt the weight of the word and meaning of failure all week. I know all the standard failure pep talks. You don't make it to being a successful business owner for years without facing failure and refusing to let it define you. So what happens when a failure is out of your control? When you have to pick up your pieces and reorganize?

Well folks, I would like to share a deeply personal failure with the world - 

And when I say failure, I mean FAILURE. Not planned, in fact the opposite - lengths taken to prevent this from ever happening again.

I think somewhere, God must have had a giant smile on his face while he screamed "PLOT TWIST" in heaven. 

I had great plans of finishing my kitchen this year. I had epic plans to grow both my doula practice and my husbands building company to greater than ever this year. I had plans that included this never, ever happening again.

Folks, I don't believe I'll be finishing my kitchen this year. I'm facing a failure of epic proportions and need some tender time to adjust. I thought of hiding in my house forever and refusing to come out until I figured this plot twist out - but the truth is, I need the support. I need to adjust and feel safe to share that I'm struggling with this. And when I'm ready, I will need some giant cheerleaders - to remind me how incredibly blessed I am and how magnificent this little person will be in our family.

But this week, I'm mourning my kitchen, pondering why a failure like this would strike us, and praying for a whole lot of joy to grow in my heart.

Avoiding

Folks, I'll come out and say it... I have absolutely NO idea what my last blog post was. I don't know when it was or what it was about. I don't care. I've neglected my little blog for awhile while I was digging deep into my own space......... About 30 minutes ago, the digging brought up something new for me and I was scared by it. So, I jumped on Facebook. I got 3 squares of yummy dark chocolate (ok, 4 and if my foot wasn't broken, I'd walk up the stairs to finish off the freaking bar, stat). I read a blog by a friend about the playdate my kids adored today. I changed a diaper. I turned on music. I turned music off. I sat and stared at my blank page for a full 90 seconds before I thought I was losing my mind. 

I avoided my dark corners. You see, I don't have a single freaking answer for the first question in this new class I'm taking that I'm not afraid to put on paper! So, we're talking about digging deep into ourselves and cultivating authenticity and courage - REALLY showing up for life and being vulnerable. First question - What do you need to give yourself permission to do in order to get the most out of this class. 

*crickets*

I'm getting the shit kicked out of me folks. I'm freaking terrified that at the end of this self exploration, I'm going to hate what I find. OUCH. I'm in the middle of trying not to hustle for my worthiness in a whole new way and I'm feeling it man! 

But you know what else? I'm feeling it. After staring at that blank page, I said to myself - I might not know what I need permission to do yet, but I am going to admit I'm digging into the darkness and depth of my soul because I truly believe it's worth it. 

Someone shared this in another format on my facebook wall and it speaks to the messy middle I'm in right now. 

The creative process looks like this: 

Yep. That's me in the middle right there. I'm a fence sitter between THIS IS SHIT and I AM SHIT. I haven't decided if I back up if I can see that it's tricky or see that it's all going to be ok yet either.

Woo.

Friends, I love you and I will end with this - the very words that are ingrained in my soul - from the very woman who is leading the class I'm taking. And really, you need to check out this class if you find yourself in a place of willing to challenge yourself, dig deep, and GROW - COURAGEworks with Brene Brown