I won't be finishing my kitchen this year after all....

We're in the middle of a massive remodel. Truthfully, it's going awesome. We have removed 5 full walls and a partial wall thus far and are no where close to done moving around a million walls in this crazy place of ours. I am so incredibly happy with the open space we're creating. Our home was fine before but it didn't serve us the way we wanted for our family. In ever other home we've lived in, the sense of open space was greater. When we moved to this old farm house, it was a rental. We looked at it as a temporary home. Who knew we would realize our dreams of it becoming ours and actually carry out those crazy late night conversations of "what would you do to this old house if it were ours?"

Many have seen our transformations through my facebook page. I've gone through many emotions in sharing our journey and I have come to realize that I'm frustrated with myself. I have allowed others questions to bother me.

"When are you going to be done" 

"How can you handle the construction mess"

"Aren't you just ready to put it back together" 

"I could never live like that"

Under what pretense are these lines of questioning suppose to invoke a sense of encouragement and genuine inquiry vs a feeling of interrogation? I admit, WHO asking the questions matters. Those who genuinely care about us are closer and understand our goals of remaining debt free through our process. They know we work on a tiny tiny budget as a household and refuse to let that stop us from being productive and feeling accomplished. What doesn't feel good is people who seldom stop to ask us how we are, and only do so out of social expectation, asking about my personal home. I think the one that really hurts is the last question. The implication that somehow we're living in a sub-standard condition is a bit offensive. I'll be adult enough to acknowledge my own control of my feelings - but it still isn't exactly uplifting when others imply there is something wrong about remodeling our home on a longer timeline. We're not exactly living in a hut in the middle of nowhere. We have fully functioning plumbing (though I've heard a million times how HARD it must be to have "just" one bathroom), we have a kitchen with the same function as any other - a space to cook, cool, freeze, and otherwise store items used in food preparations. blah blah blah... 

Aside from the physical needs being met, what we have is a home. Our home is open to the world - as a place to be welcomed. It is the place we grow, fight, laugh and genuinely find our place of solace if we're hurting. This home is our home and of course I feel protective of it. I thought of retaking this photo without the kids in it - but it's reality. This crazy baby of ours LOVES to climb on the table right now. Declan is running into the room excited to play a board game and Aurora is ready to play too! Of course, you can see our other values showing too - our buckets of food with no current place to hide, our decorations that we made as a family that need packed away, and our TWO monopoly games (because I can play with two youngers and two olders at the same time but they are very different paced games!). This house isn't just a house - it's the birth place to everything I love about everything in my life!

So, what's the plan? Everyone seems to want to know. Let me tell you folks - it's been a bit of a process to plan everything out on a budget! We're all about function and a wee bit of beauty must be thrown in for sanity-sake! Our goals this year are to focus on the main floor (despite the major set backs with the basement last fall with the septic disaster!). First on the agenda is the kitchen. Our plans are extensive to have custom built cabinets, an eat-in kitchen that seats 10 around a massive "island" that will replace our dining room table, and so on. During the process of remodeling the kitchen - we'll bring the electrical up to code in this area, we'll fix major structural deficiencies, and make it beautiful of course!!

I absolutely adore this little home of mine. But I'm accepting that this year has thrown me a giant curve ball. I've been adamant that my kitchen will be completed in 2016. I have majorly increased my personal workload and I am dropping every penny I have into this kitchen..... right? Well, let me tell you, I have been struck with failure this week.

Failure. What a word. I've felt the weight of the word and meaning of failure all week. I know all the standard failure pep talks. You don't make it to being a successful business owner for years without facing failure and refusing to let it define you. So what happens when a failure is out of your control? When you have to pick up your pieces and reorganize?

Well folks, I would like to share a deeply personal failure with the world - 

And when I say failure, I mean FAILURE. Not planned, in fact the opposite - lengths taken to prevent this from ever happening again.

I think somewhere, God must have had a giant smile on his face while he screamed "PLOT TWIST" in heaven. 

I had great plans of finishing my kitchen this year. I had epic plans to grow both my doula practice and my husbands building company to greater than ever this year. I had plans that included this never, ever happening again.

Folks, I don't believe I'll be finishing my kitchen this year. I'm facing a failure of epic proportions and need some tender time to adjust. I thought of hiding in my house forever and refusing to come out until I figured this plot twist out - but the truth is, I need the support. I need to adjust and feel safe to share that I'm struggling with this. And when I'm ready, I will need some giant cheerleaders - to remind me how incredibly blessed I am and how magnificent this little person will be in our family.

But this week, I'm mourning my kitchen, pondering why a failure like this would strike us, and praying for a whole lot of joy to grow in my heart.