I won't be finishing my kitchen this year after all....

We're in the middle of a massive remodel. Truthfully, it's going awesome. We have removed 5 full walls and a partial wall thus far and are no where close to done moving around a million walls in this crazy place of ours. I am so incredibly happy with the open space we're creating. Our home was fine before but it didn't serve us the way we wanted for our family. In ever other home we've lived in, the sense of open space was greater. When we moved to this old farm house, it was a rental. We looked at it as a temporary home. Who knew we would realize our dreams of it becoming ours and actually carry out those crazy late night conversations of "what would you do to this old house if it were ours?"

Many have seen our transformations through my facebook page. I've gone through many emotions in sharing our journey and I have come to realize that I'm frustrated with myself. I have allowed others questions to bother me.

"When are you going to be done" 

"How can you handle the construction mess"

"Aren't you just ready to put it back together" 

"I could never live like that"

Under what pretense are these lines of questioning suppose to invoke a sense of encouragement and genuine inquiry vs a feeling of interrogation? I admit, WHO asking the questions matters. Those who genuinely care about us are closer and understand our goals of remaining debt free through our process. They know we work on a tiny tiny budget as a household and refuse to let that stop us from being productive and feeling accomplished. What doesn't feel good is people who seldom stop to ask us how we are, and only do so out of social expectation, asking about my personal home. I think the one that really hurts is the last question. The implication that somehow we're living in a sub-standard condition is a bit offensive. I'll be adult enough to acknowledge my own control of my feelings - but it still isn't exactly uplifting when others imply there is something wrong about remodeling our home on a longer timeline. We're not exactly living in a hut in the middle of nowhere. We have fully functioning plumbing (though I've heard a million times how HARD it must be to have "just" one bathroom), we have a kitchen with the same function as any other - a space to cook, cool, freeze, and otherwise store items used in food preparations. blah blah blah... 

Aside from the physical needs being met, what we have is a home. Our home is open to the world - as a place to be welcomed. It is the place we grow, fight, laugh and genuinely find our place of solace if we're hurting. This home is our home and of course I feel protective of it. I thought of retaking this photo without the kids in it - but it's reality. This crazy baby of ours LOVES to climb on the table right now. Declan is running into the room excited to play a board game and Aurora is ready to play too! Of course, you can see our other values showing too - our buckets of food with no current place to hide, our decorations that we made as a family that need packed away, and our TWO monopoly games (because I can play with two youngers and two olders at the same time but they are very different paced games!). This house isn't just a house - it's the birth place to everything I love about everything in my life!

So, what's the plan? Everyone seems to want to know. Let me tell you folks - it's been a bit of a process to plan everything out on a budget! We're all about function and a wee bit of beauty must be thrown in for sanity-sake! Our goals this year are to focus on the main floor (despite the major set backs with the basement last fall with the septic disaster!). First on the agenda is the kitchen. Our plans are extensive to have custom built cabinets, an eat-in kitchen that seats 10 around a massive "island" that will replace our dining room table, and so on. During the process of remodeling the kitchen - we'll bring the electrical up to code in this area, we'll fix major structural deficiencies, and make it beautiful of course!!

I absolutely adore this little home of mine. But I'm accepting that this year has thrown me a giant curve ball. I've been adamant that my kitchen will be completed in 2016. I have majorly increased my personal workload and I am dropping every penny I have into this kitchen..... right? Well, let me tell you, I have been struck with failure this week.

Failure. What a word. I've felt the weight of the word and meaning of failure all week. I know all the standard failure pep talks. You don't make it to being a successful business owner for years without facing failure and refusing to let it define you. So what happens when a failure is out of your control? When you have to pick up your pieces and reorganize?

Well folks, I would like to share a deeply personal failure with the world - 

And when I say failure, I mean FAILURE. Not planned, in fact the opposite - lengths taken to prevent this from ever happening again.

I think somewhere, God must have had a giant smile on his face while he screamed "PLOT TWIST" in heaven. 

I had great plans of finishing my kitchen this year. I had epic plans to grow both my doula practice and my husbands building company to greater than ever this year. I had plans that included this never, ever happening again.

Folks, I don't believe I'll be finishing my kitchen this year. I'm facing a failure of epic proportions and need some tender time to adjust. I thought of hiding in my house forever and refusing to come out until I figured this plot twist out - but the truth is, I need the support. I need to adjust and feel safe to share that I'm struggling with this. And when I'm ready, I will need some giant cheerleaders - to remind me how incredibly blessed I am and how magnificent this little person will be in our family.

But this week, I'm mourning my kitchen, pondering why a failure like this would strike us, and praying for a whole lot of joy to grow in my heart.

Avoiding

Folks, I'll come out and say it... I have absolutely NO idea what my last blog post was. I don't know when it was or what it was about. I don't care. I've neglected my little blog for awhile while I was digging deep into my own space......... About 30 minutes ago, the digging brought up something new for me and I was scared by it. So, I jumped on Facebook. I got 3 squares of yummy dark chocolate (ok, 4 and if my foot wasn't broken, I'd walk up the stairs to finish off the freaking bar, stat). I read a blog by a friend about the playdate my kids adored today. I changed a diaper. I turned on music. I turned music off. I sat and stared at my blank page for a full 90 seconds before I thought I was losing my mind. 

I avoided my dark corners. You see, I don't have a single freaking answer for the first question in this new class I'm taking that I'm not afraid to put on paper! So, we're talking about digging deep into ourselves and cultivating authenticity and courage - REALLY showing up for life and being vulnerable. First question - What do you need to give yourself permission to do in order to get the most out of this class. 

*crickets*

I'm getting the shit kicked out of me folks. I'm freaking terrified that at the end of this self exploration, I'm going to hate what I find. OUCH. I'm in the middle of trying not to hustle for my worthiness in a whole new way and I'm feeling it man! 

But you know what else? I'm feeling it. After staring at that blank page, I said to myself - I might not know what I need permission to do yet, but I am going to admit I'm digging into the darkness and depth of my soul because I truly believe it's worth it. 

Someone shared this in another format on my facebook wall and it speaks to the messy middle I'm in right now. 

The creative process looks like this: 

Yep. That's me in the middle right there. I'm a fence sitter between THIS IS SHIT and I AM SHIT. I haven't decided if I back up if I can see that it's tricky or see that it's all going to be ok yet either.

Woo.

Friends, I love you and I will end with this - the very words that are ingrained in my soul - from the very woman who is leading the class I'm taking. And really, you need to check out this class if you find yourself in a place of willing to challenge yourself, dig deep, and GROW - COURAGEworks with Brene Brown

Dear Lady at the Grocery Store

Dear Older Lady at the Grocery Store,

Thank you for trying to help me today. My sweet baby was indeed very determined to climb out of the cart screaming at the top of his lungs while my toddler was dumping an entire new pack of mints on the ground and my kindergartner was laughing hysterically at us.

What I couldn't say in that moment was how much I appreciated you offering to hold my baby, though I declined because he's a bit afraid of strangers at the moment. I wanted to embrace you and tell you how much you represent what is missing from the world - a village of compassionate and empathetic souls supporting each other. You smiled with laugh lines and laughed that all-too-knowing-laugh as you said "They really do grow so fast, you are doing great".

In that small moment of time, I was just trying to be a Mom. Nothing special, not a super hero or a wonder woman with a cape - just a mom in tune with her babies trying to hold it together as I braved both Costco and Winco back to back. I hope you weren't offended by my not handing my baby over. I know that my sweet baby would have just screamed loudly in protest and that would make my mama heart ache terribly. What I wish I could do though was slow down and embrace you for reaching out in such a gentle way. As I drove home, I just wanted to cry because I felt so much gratitude for what you represent to me in our community. You took my decline with class and in that moment you encouraged me both to know these precious babies are slipping through my fingers and you campaigned for my worth by asserting your sweet "you are doing great", even though I completely blew you off to focus on those crazy littles of mine.

So, darling older lady at the grocery store, don't give up on us young moms. We're in the trenches. We're weary and sometimes it feels like we can't ask for help. I beg you, keep reaching out to us - we need you even if we don't know how to accept the help in the moment!

Thank you compassionate soul, you really made an impact in my day and I feel an overwhelming love for you - a complete stranger who simply was kind.

Sincerely,

The Mom with the crying baby, the messy toddler and the goofy kid.

This crazy life!

Shesh. What can I say?

Life isn't EVER expected. It's better. It's worse. It's never in a comfortable middle.

When I can not control what happens - I CAN control my response to whatever comes my way. When I get stressed, I start over thinking and realize that I adore my life in all it's complexities - so I might as well get on with loving it!

We've had some crazy couple months but when I think about the moments that stand out to me the most, it is always the joy and exploration with my family. Hopefully things slow down a bit and I can begin to blog a bit again regularly - for now, here's just a photo dump of our crazy lives. 

Damon turned 31 this year. And we got to enjoy a quick trip to Salt Lake City with some good friends. It was so fun to watch our kids explore new places and since me and just the kids took a trip to Utah in May - they were SO excited to "show Daddy" everything. Oh so fun. 

Back at home, before our trip, Anaius also celebrated a birthday!

We learned that the library system has GAMES! We are a serious board game loving family. We absolutely are enjoying having some new games.

And my baby decided to headbutt our goat.... He was highly offended she wanted to come in the house. 

Daunika has turned into an amazing cook lately!

Going to work on more updates soon - but family, we're alive and well. Trying to stay humble and happy always in this crazy life of ours. 

My house is a bit lighter than it once was....

Those far wiser than me have told me a few times that time speeds up as you get older...I'm firm in the fact that I'm not "older" at all, and I'm happy in my youthful 20s, but I do seem to be on the treadmill speeding through life. One day seems to blend into another so quickly that I haven't sat down to really write up what is keeping me so busy! 

Well, Summer is here in full force. Last week Boise saw 9 days in a row of temps over 100*. This tied a previous record. It was brutal! Now, that's all fine and well right? Yes, but it's especially news when you don't have air conditioning. We survived. Barely some days. We had some great people from church invite us over for dinner (which happens to be the peak heat of the day), we hang out at the library, we went swimming, we survived. 

It's not at all our first summer without A/C - but I believe this year is different because we are missing a lot of walls and insulation currently! I know many of you have been following our progress on Facebook but for our extended family who receive this blog only by email as our family updates - here's an awesome glimpse into our demolition! 

My crazy contractor husband has drilled this statement into my brain - You measure from the top down and build from the bottom up. Alrighty then! So, after this crazy guy measured, this is us making a mess of our basement. Currently, there are 3 posts in the middle of my family room in the basement. These are serving as temporary supports as we work on the upstairs for permanent structural support.

The kids have been very involved in "breaking the house". It's amazing to look at this photo taken in June and know that this wall no longer exists in my home AT ALL! 

Before it came out though.... a whole lot of mess was made. Our best friends came to join us in breaking the house too! 

Progress.....

So, we kind of thought we would stop here. It was cleaned up and we could at least walk around. But hey... why stop there? We knew these walls weren't staying, might as well completely open it up now and use temporary supports. 

And .... if that wall mostly disappeared... why not most of the other one... 

I'll stop here and say that this is a HUGE THANK YOU to my awesome hubby, Damon. This remodel is all sorts of complex. Our 70 year old house had a huge structural deficiency. Scary. I'm so grateful for his expert opinion and hands on get-this-shit-right-the-first-time ethics. I am grateful that when I begin to feel like this project is too hard, too involved, too stressful - he pulls out his big ass brain and says "look, here's the beam calculations, here's exactly what I am going to do". He really has had enormous amounts of patience as I've stressed a bit.

This next photo you can see there is still much to be done but we're able to see how amazing it's going to be. The kids are sitting at the table, I can see them from where I took a picture in the kitchen. I can see my living room from my kitchen. This is nothing short of AMAZING!!!!!!!

The wall the fridge is on will be taken out, 100% of the kitchen is leaving (saving only the fridge, all new appliances,cabinets, everything).... But I love it so far. No longer is there a bedroom in between my kitchen and my living room folks!!



And the view from the living room looking toward the kitchen ...

We have a LOT of work to do. It's peak busy season for Damon at work so we're taking a rest at this point for a couple months. Before winter 3 very important beams for the structural integrity will need to be permanently placed. Then we'll rip out the rest of the kitchen (yep, I'm going kitchen-free for a year or three...)

We've picked out our cabinets, our tile counters (originally the plan for custom concrete cabinets but budget won this war!), we've picked out our appliances. We have blue prints that have evolved and changed, re-printed, and I'm sure more changes will continue as we explore ripping out the entire HVAC system, redoing all the electric system because 70 years ago this house wasn't wired for the load we place on it now with electronics....

Oh oh oh.... I am SO FREAKING HAPPY TO REMODEL OUR HOME!!!!!

Consider this an open invitation, want to see it? The back door is always open folks <3

Utah trip: part one!

I cannot believe it's been almost a month since I decided to get a wild hair and head to Utah.

This first leg of my trip was excellently planned - because I didn't plan it! You see, I don't plan anything. I prefer to just live by the seat of my pants. I'm horrible at things like making lists, reading guides, all that jazz. It has it's benefits. But a couple months ago I heard two of my close girl friends talking about a trip to Moab, Utah. Somehow it ended up with me saying I wanted to go......... So alas, I went.

Thursday May 8th was full to the brim with things that needed to get done. In true fashion of my luck when I'm behind, feeling crunched and stressed before a camping trip it HAD TO RAIN. Yes, it poured buckets of rain on me while I loaded the car.

But we did not slow down! After our marathon day of go-go-go, the car was loaded and we left town about 9 pm! I decided to drive as long and as far as I could because Anaius basically sleeps through the night these days and I wanted to use that to my advantage. We made it until about 2:30 am before I needed to pull over and call it a night. We slept in a parking lot in Spanish Fork until about 7 am. At night we didn't really look around, I was just exhausted and needed sleep. But when we all woke up we realized we were across the street from a McDonalds. Hot food and a flush-able toilet after being in the car all night? YES PLEASE.

This is the sunrise that woke us about 6:30/7 am in Spanish Fork Utah as seen through my windshield. Not a bad way to wake up at all.

So after a crappy breakfast of biscuits and sausage from the red and yellow giant, we finished our drive to Moab. We spent several hours in Goblin Valley climbing rocks, hiking, I took a nap and we had a yummy lunch.... then we technically made it to Moab!

While in Moab, we stayed at a great friends place. Literally, we camped on her parents lawn. They were so nice for letting us do that! When in Moab, you don't spend much time at all in your campsite.... Especially not when Janet's planning the day. I am the least planning oriented person in the world. I literally go with the flow, without agenda, usually all my life. My friend Janet is the exact opposite. She had books piled in the front window of her 15 passenger van of hikes, trails, guides, etc. She is the ultimate guru to take places when you want to see everything. I was so content to just join this busied pace for a few days :)

Our first adventure Saturday was Dead Horse Point, then we went hiking at Canyonlands National Park. While I loved both, it was stressful to me to be at Canyonlands. I don't want to hike there again with young kids. Certainly not husbandless either!

Before we started too much adventuring - we snapped a GREAT photo of our whole crew - Kurt & Monica (she grew up in Moab!) with 4 of their kids, Stephen and Janet with 9 of their children and me with my crazy 5 children! WOOT!



Damon laughed at me about why I wanted to go to Moab.... He said "Aren't they just rocks to look at?".... Yes. He's absolutely correct. Why in the world did I need to go play tourist when I could just google a photo of it? Well, because it's different. I've debated even posting photos of where we went because of his comment (and I was super sensitive about his comment, it made me cry!)... but I absolutely LOVED seeing Moab. The rocks are indeed just rocks but it's incredible. Peaceful and awe-inspiring. I did decide that next time I go back, I want to just wonder. To not have an agenda. To explore without a guidebook and potentially without kids someday too. Mom mode + vacation planned hiking is a sure fire way to make me not really soak up the sights because I'm a bit too distracted.... but I'm so glad I went!!

Plus, my really awesome children had fun.

This is the view from one hike we did in Dead Horse Point.

We had fun watching the kids catch this lizard.. but it should be noted that lizards and chipmunks are HAZARDS to young children hiking near cliffs. The kids get distracted, want to chase them/catch them and forget the cliff is there. Oye!! Several of us parents had to sternly correct our children while hiking.

But hey, in a safe place, a lizard was indeed caught and we learned (after it's tail fell off) that their tails fall off to help them escape prey. It will grow back in about 2 years.

It was so fun to be there with some of my best girl friends. We had a blast. Climbed to new heights and tested the "if it's a clear day, you can see for 200 miles" statement *(though it wasn't completely clear)*

And when hiking, we found whimsical beauty... this lovely step with a heart shaped hole is a great example.

The next day was Sunday... Mothers Day 2015... Arches National Park here we come!

We are crazy and decided to wake up at 6:30 am, wake all our tired children up and hike them up a famous path to Delicate Arch.

And we made it!

Daunika was thrilled to stand under the famous arch. She looked so tiny compared to it!

Next on the agenda was Sand Dune Arch!

And well... when Janet says "Hey Macy, let's climb up this thing!".... I do.... except, she didn't.
So, that crazy idiot in the hat at the top of the arch? Yes, that's me.

So, Aurora must get it from me... She is an amazingly STRONG little one. She climbed some serious rocks while at Arches.

And up another rock...

Going up was great... Going down? Well, let's just say that after this 10 day trip, one pair of jeans no longer had a bum for Aurora.


Regrets: Not seeing more. Being seriously out of my normal physical capacity. Feeling too structured. Not taking enough pictures of people. Not wearing sunscreen... ouch.

Perks of the trip: Bonding with friends. Beautiful sights. Exploration of new places. Watching my children have so much fun. Great sleep at the end of long days.

Goal: Come back when all kiddos are a bit older AND BRING DAMON... because these rocks are cool!

I really loved it. I can't wait to go back!!!

Those were the first three days of my trip....... But there's more!

Camping season has begun!

Our camping season has begun with a BANG! 

Can I just say it: I adore camping. I really really do. It is our chance to slow down, relax, explore and play. This camping season for us started last weekend. Damon is working about 2.5 hours away from our home with some stellar clients and we were talking all about lodging options when I stumbled across camping nearby!

Last weekend we explored completely unknown to us areas of Idaho: Lake Walcott.... and last weekend it was freezing. Literally, it hailed/sleet/rain/slush mixed all night long with crazy winds!

Here's some quick snaps from last weekend:

Our campsite was tucked in the trees with no one around and water to enjoy listening to as we rested. It was awesome. There was plenty of paved trails and the kids spent hours on their bikes going all over. 

And while it's not AT ALL my preference to camp at "paid and maintained" campsites - at least we had toilets and the kids loved the playground within walking distance!

Lots of fun was had.... but we were cold most of the first weekend.

This is my favorite photo of us the first weekend!! 

Our second weekend at Lake Walcott was completely the opposite. Instead of 55*/35* and windy, it was 80*/50* and AMAZING!!!!!!!! 

The water was so peaceful and beautiful. I loved sitting next to the water and playing cards with the kids. Farkle flip, yhatzee, skip bo... on and on :)

And the best part? At 7 pm every night, we picked up this gorgeous man. 

And this little guy... He was a crazy loon the whole time. 

He spent both weekends like this:

While the other kids did this: 

And... In case you were curious, I will be CAMPING for 17 of the 30 days this month. 

BRING ON THE CAMPING !!!!!!!!!!!!