One foot in front of the other

I really connected with the statement on this image above. Courage. What does it mean to be courageous? We all have probably felt it in our own way - defined by what we would take and what we would advocate for. Well, must you always yell and scream and advocate at the top of your lungs to be courageous?

I think not. 

It really is OK to admit "Today sucked, but I'm going to bed and I'll start over tomorrow". It has taken me years to realize that we're allowed to have really really shitty days and it's of no reflection of anything but life just is a series of events that we learn through, connect through, accept, experience and enjoy. Does it mean after a good cry and a look at the 3 am clock that you have neccesarily enjoyed the process of greiving the days mistakes, evaluating what could we have changed, what will be do better that you just don't wonder why the hell you're on a hamster wheel some days? Nope. In fact, I think sometimes you have to see the same wheel in front of you for awhile before you realize you're ready to get off and start really exploring. That is OK!

So, here's to being gentle with myself, forgiveness and acceptance. I am imperfect. I had a big fight with my husband and I felt completely vulnerable. I stayed up until almost 4 am without sleep because I felt the need to evaluate every step of everything - and at the end, I realized that replaying everything in my head that happen or was said was just dumb. Mistakes are made. And - as I lay down, I got a nice smile of the laugh is meant to be shared with others.

Even when you feel critical, down and overwhelmed - lighten up. Those around you love you still, and the journey of being imperfectly perfect is worth it!

And I'm ok with laughing at it in 10 years, 10 minutes, later from now and know that the real courage IS waking up the next day and looking over with a whole heart and giving it all over again because it's worth it.

I feel courageous today. Do you?

Sometimes, I'm just dumb.

There. I admitted it. Sometimes, I am just dumb. I allow others to shift my decisions. I allow worry to creep up on me and grow roots in the back of my mind. I allow myself to listen to others when I should take a deep breathe and just listen to my gut.

What got to me? Hmm... That is a very complex and in depth issue involving a very complicated story that isn't mine to share.... What I can share is in recent history I felt deeply wounded by the idea of a simple common cold with my children was terribly offensive to certain people. It caused me to evaluate how others viewed the world around them and made me very critical, sometimes angry. I suddenly was furious when I was singled out but then witnessed others with children around me having runny noses and no one told them to stay at home and stay away from their kids.

Like I said, it got complicated. Really complicated. Let's top that with the fact my mother had a major heart attack last week. This was a terrible blow to me in a way that I haven't allowed myself fully think about yet. I need a safe place to process and currently I can't find that place. I'm counting the days until my husband is home more! I'll have a good cry and allow that to process soon. Right now, one foot in front of the other. Focus on supporting my mom.

Faced with the complicated issue of having been told to keep sick kids to themselves (we're not talking full blow illness, we're talking the common cold), my mom being in ICU with a paralyzed heart and pneumonia attacking her poor body, and generally feeling alone lately - asking my husbands advice was probably taken harshly and I didn't advocate for my inner gut feelings. I heard my failures, not his words. I heard doubt that crept in and made me feel terrible.

DUMB. 

So what did I do? I drug my perfect healthy children to a doctors visit for the first time in two years. We have never taken our children to a physicians appointment for a cold, not once. In fact, in the nearly 6 years we have been parents, my children have never had a single ear infection, a single flu that wasn't short lived in their strong bodies, not a single need for antibiotics or drugs. Ever.

What in the hell made me think they would now? Even when everything inside of me said I was reacting to others, not acting to my mom intuition - I woke them all up from sleeping happiness and carted them to a silly appointment.

I'm thankful for our doctor though. In fact, after listening to their lungs, checking their oxygen levels, looking in their noses, ears and throats - I was told that they've never seen such healthy "sick" kids. LOL There was no inflammation of the ears or nose. No rattling of the lungs and the coughing didn't sound worrisome. The oxygen levels were flawless and our children had not stopped eating, drinking, had no fevers, no snot or mucous to worry about.

I basically was a giant idiot as I stood there and realized that I knew that. I KNEW my children were fine. These are not someone else's kids that are sick often and have weak immune systems.

These are my babies.

 And like all children, from time to time they will catch a cold.

 They are still loved and welcome in the world. 

They are happy. 

Well, at least I thought to snap a picture of my dumb mistake this morning :) 

A week of balance

Sometimes, when things are hard - it's important to narrow your scope and focus. 

Even when you feel your at the bottom of a really big mountain.... 

There is usually a path for you. 

These past months have been hard. We've learned incredible amounts about ourselves, the people around us, business growing pains, and what it feels like to be too busy. Sometimes it feels like a massive tug-a-war of wills and ways. Which path to take to get to top? Why can't that path be lit? What if I can't make it? So much to evaluate every step. 

One of the most important things we've held on to the whole way - We are nothing without those we love. All the work in the world, the money, the cars, the clothes, it's all just shit. I mean, well, I suppose it's pretty cool shit sometimes, but at the end of the day, it means nothing if you are alone. That pay check can never hold you - it does however keep you and your family warm and fed! 

Balance is key. 

So what did I do this week to balance?

I looked up at the sky from my front porch. 

I knit a hat for ME this time!

I made and shared baked goods with my hungry family. 

I cleaned, I worked. 

I grew life and supported it completely.

I witnessed a lot of snuggles! 

Even more snuggles...

There were a few moments of simple relaxation even!

Not as balanced as I'd like, but darn close. Now, if we could add in a lot more husband, a bit more social time, and maybe clean my own house - we'd be perfect? 

Ha. Who needs perfect. 

I hope you all are having a balanced week!

I'm a barber too!

Ahhh.... I think I wear a million hats. I am a woman, a mother, a wife. I'm a chef, taxi cab, a payroll accountant. I'm also a maid, a pet caregiver, and so much more.

Well, in this family, I am also a Barber! Or a hairdresser, or whatever else you call someone who is crazy enough to place sharp scissors near the faces of my loved ones. Declan recently had his very first hair cut. Not that I'm opposed to him having long hair - in fact, I really loved his long hair, but alas - I was tired of him painting his hair with sticky hands and messy food splatters. I caved.

 This kid needed a hair cut! 

Here's what his hair looked like the day before I cut it... Long, beautiful slightly curled at the bottoms. Darker than our girls hair, unique great color.

Here's the back of it, before I decided to be brave and come near this crazy, never still, constant in motion child of mine!

I snapped no pictures of me cutting it, or the during process. It was quick, moments really. This little Moose does not sit still. He moves non-stop. Having scissors near his head longer than needed was dangerous!

But I snapped the 'after' of course :)

I'm really happy with it!! I really did not want it short, typical boy style. I hate the assumption that boys must have short hair. In fact, if you talk to my husband, he used to have long hair. I have some great photos of him with shoulder length hair as a kid. Then something about being forced to cut his hair, or tricked in to it, and really? It's hair. Who cares if its long on a boy if it's that boys choice. But for now, I'll probably keep Declans around this length until he stops getting food in it!

It wasn't just Mooses hair cut that night :) Daunika has been asking for super short hair for several months. She has asked for "Megans hair". Megan is my very best friend and has hair shorter than my own husbands! But I wasn't so sure Daunika would love it that short because she really loves to put hair bows, headbands, clippies, etc in her hair. We compromised and she's really happy with it. I'm glad :) It's easy for her to care for and still she can load up the front with clips galore!

It was about shoulder length before we cut it....

And I bravely cut it to a A-line bob style cut. Here's the back and side!

All in this mama's day... I'm happy to be a barber to them :) 

Fall doesn't slow us down

Ahhhhh.... waking up to fog, cool temperatures and such lovely colors bursting all around us! As usual for us, we're still exploring the outside as much as possible. Getting out in the rain or fog, enjoying some hot cocoa and hot soups. Fall is my favorite season indeed!

We enjoyed a happy afternoon in the pouring rain. I really appreciate that I can share my love of the rain with my kids. It's true - I think I liked it a lot more when I wasn't the mom trying to keep everyone warm, keep the mud off the floor or off the car, but still, rain holds a certain amount of appeal that I just must share with my littles. 

We've also spent mornings bundled up but determined none the less to enjoy being outside! 

The fog feels wonderful with a cup of hot something. I'm in the mood for cider!

With all this cool weather... we're enjoying soups a lot more. Yum!

Soup isn't the only thing we're enjoying.... I'm feeling in the mood to declutter my home! 

Look at all that SPACE .... and I really don't care at all to fill it. 

Sigh...... What's next? Hmm.. I think a day like today calls for fresh warm bread and some loud music dancing around my living room with kids. 

What's in the journal?

As previously posted, its obvious we have seen some awesome things every Tuesday! It's a weekly ritual that we have done for 6 weeks in the sun, heat, wind or in last weeks case.. rain!

What are we learning? That's easy. Ask my kids. Since you might not be near them at the moment... here is a peak into the amazing journal from my 5 year old :

We have had so much fun and learned so much this past month! 

Ready? Set. EXPLORE!

Ahhhhhhhh... I cannot believe over 6 weeks of 'school' has gone by. Where oh where did that time go? Well, every Tuesday has been absolutely fantastic in this house - or more accurately - not in the house at all! We are exploring nature as our science/community exploration curriculum this year.

I bought some great books that I read through to give me some ideas, but mostly, we just allow our children to explore and find their own wonder in life around them. 

Our school calendars reflect our adventures even.... 

So what exactly do we DO? Well.... first off, we come prepared. Our girls have back packs. Each of them is responsible for keeping their own lunch and water bottles, then for our walks we also have each of them with a journal and a pencil box each. The pencil boxes have crayons, scissors for trimming a leaf or two respectfully, and glue to glue in feathers, leaves and other debris they collect. It's perfect!

We usually try to be up and in the car by 9:30. It's actually worked out great!

Some of our best moments are explained best not by words, but photos.. 

I think Moose really thought he was going to catch a goose. 

Daunika learning about how to count how old a tree stump is. 

Even Declan has a nature journal. Why not? He absolutely participates right along with us in his own way!

A lot of the time is spent just sitting and writing, drawing, gluing feathers in this case. 

And well... more time is spent like this!

We've explored with friends and family...

And have seen some amazing peaceful animals... 

And have seen some pretty neat colored bugs! 

More in next blog post....... Part 2 coming!