Heart Aches

Oh how my heart aches. 

I have been up night after night for the last two weeks. 

I have been restless and sad. 

This month has been one of the hardest in my life. 

In August, we have had a lot to face. Kalani, our youngest, had another seizure. This one was worse than before. It was ugly and different and just all around scary. We waited seeing a pediatric neurologist... Let me tell you, that was a LONG wait. When your mama heart is full of worry and fretting over your children's neurological well being, you want the damn call immediately. It took 10 business days for them to call from the time we saw our own pediatrician. 10 days?! What, did the whole office go on vacation? Once we got the call, it was another 3 weeks before we could get an appointment. During that time, we also were attacked by our pediatricians nurse assistant/practitioner over our oldest daughter's heart mummer. Yes, all at once, it seemed the world was dropped at my feet. We waited just a few days to see a pediatric cardiologist and Daunika got a "picture of her heart" literally! I was exhausted and frought with worry the whole month. It just felt like something was always wrong. 

The outcome of the specialists were exactly what we wanted for both girls. Daunika does have a heart mummer. She was born with it and it still is there. She has had a full diagnostic echo cardiogram to ensure nothing is wrong. She is literally perfect. What a relief. Kalani has been diagnosed with benign febrile seizures, a childhood disorder that is hereditary and comes from me. Well sorry kiddo, you got my face shape and my seizures. They are NOT harmful to her neurological development (really what we wanted to know) and we will not medicate unless she has more than 10-15 annually because the medication has more risks than her seizures at this point. All around, while it's not a "all clear" like Daunikas appointment, it is the very best we could hope for for Kalani. 

While it would seem that was enough to worry about through the month of August, we had a new experience to add to the pile. We are in the middle of losing our 5th child. We have known for nearly 2 months we were expecting and were just about to announce it when our life took a turn. Oh how the tears stream as I type that. It's a miscarriage. It's not something unheard of right? But I wasn't prepared for this. Can you prepare for it? I'm not sure. I didn't expect the pain, the anger, the sorrow. Keeping busy helps. It's only when I find myself in the stillness that it sneaks up on me and I am quickly wiping away tears and moving onto something better. My mama heart hurts in ways I cannot describe. 

In the midst of my despair, my stress, my coping skills maxed out, I realized my heart hurt in the best of ways - it was full with a life that demanded the very best of me and I love this scary, vulnerable position. There is absolutely no gain in life unless you stick your damn neck out and be naked for a bit. You have to commit, I mean really commit. This life is about charging into the scene, kicking ass, taking names, and falling asleep at the end of the day knowing you loved with everything you had inside of you and that is enough. It's scarier than staying on the shallow side and keeping in a bubble, but if God asked me today if I wanted to love my children less to keep my heart safe in case I lost them along the way, I'd look him squarely in the eyes and tell him there is no partial love in this Mama. There is all-in, all-the-way, never-ending, unconditional kind of love. Seizures, heart mummers, miscarriages - bring it on because these little ones are mine and I adore them every second of every day they are mine. 

I mean really... You only have to take a peak and you'd understand.... 

I mean really, I get to live with a ninja boy who brings sticks in the house! Yes, this little man is one explosion after another. He runs around making noises I didn't know needed to be made. The world is not right until Declan has made the exploding sound. I don't even know how to type the sounds he makes! It is such a delight to watch him run everywhere (he doesn't walk?!) while exploding and yelling he's riding a REAL ROCKET!!!!!!!!!! 

I get to spend 2 whole days with my girl scout, just me and her. Sometimes people wonder how to manage "so many kids"... let me tell you, this isn't some part time gig. This is my entire life. There is nothing cooler than my family and so I take pride in making sure I get to spend some time with each and every one of them one on one. They are too awesome not to.

Who said living on a busy street sucks? We get front row seating to road construction, and let me tell you, that was cool to my awesome wild brood of kiddos! Truth be told, Damon and I were out there too. I can't say if we were more excited to watch our kids jump and hollar and giggle and ooooh and awe or just because we're really big kids at heart (and for dear damon, he must watch the process of everything construction!)... but it was awesome. Wake up, head out to the porch for the show :)

And the beginning of August, I had a great laugh while harvesting this gem from the garden. Perhaps God was telling me to grow a pair because I would need them for the rest of the month? Ha! Bring it on world, I got my big girl panties secured and ready to do this damn thing!

I get to spend my heart ache watching my child wonder at the FUN of a empty beach all to ourselves! It's back to school week for most around us. Some kids have been in school for a few weeks, others just started this week... but ya know what? WE DIDN'T! Nope. One of the joys of home schooling is you really get to spend so much one-on-one time with your littles that you cover what you want to cover so quickly... so this week while others are busing all over creation, learning new routines and all that stuff we have never done... we are spending our time at Eagle Island swimming. Why not? It's 95+ degrees outside and it's an empty beach. I quickly snapped about 10 photos and jumped in... Kalani doesn't stay in the shallow end. She thinks she can chase her sisters in the deep! I get VERY soaked any time we are there :)

I get to watch my oldest explore in the kitchen. She made a drink she calls "cinnamon water"... sugar, water, milk, cinnamon? Ya, she was happy. I love watching her confidence and measurements of everything. So fun. 

And after a long day at the Western Idaho Fair we ended up grabbing burgers and shakes and snapped this lovely photo! 

Every labor day weekend we drag our bums out of bed at 6 am and drive to downtown Boise... The Spirit of Boise Balloon Classic is one of our favorite events!!!! This year, despite me not feeling well, was no exception. Our kids LOVED IT! Who am I kidding? I loved it!! It feels so magical watching them blow up and lift off. I think Damon and I need to go on a date... a magical date that includes a ride in a hot air balloon, yes? I have a life long goal of heading to New Mexico for the worlds biggest hot air balloon festival sometime.. Perhaps when the kids are a wee bit older. 

This was the coolest window sticker!

So, when people ask me how I am? Well, I just don't know what to say. This month SUCKED. I mean, really sucked... but it didn't. It was normal. It was wild. It was vulnerable and scary and fun and exciting. There were times I laughed so hard I cried and snorted. There were plenty of tears and sweat and I'm sure blood and hard work. There were moments when I prayed the world would swallow me whole and be done with the suffering and moments of complete adoration with my world and the Creator. So while my heart has had plenty of aches, I'm doing OK. I'm in my stages of grieving and I'm surviving just fine. 

August was a really great month. 

August was a really crappy month. 

Just depends on the moment you ask me. :) 

Carry on world! 

Around the Homestead, June update

Yes, I know it's the first week of July already. I'm not sure where my June went but it certainly went fast! Life around here is a constant evolution of life. It would appear the only thing dependable is that I'm constantly hoping from one thing to another but all of them are good things to be at. Our homestead is alive and well full swing in summer.

Our turkey hoop house is working out fantastic. I cannot say enough about how great it is. Our turkeys absolutely love bugs and grass and since our vicious dog attack in the Spring, I really don't feel comfortable letting the tiny babies just free range - but this hoop house is so light weight, I move it around the hard every couple days and they get fresh grass and bugs to munch :) Perfect!

It's summer and that means roasting mallows! I'm on call all summer and I absolutely love that fact but my one regret is I cannot go camping with my kids. One of my absolute favorite things to do with my family is go camping but honestly I'm finding it's quite impossible. I have to milk a goat twice a day, I'm on call without any breaks for the coming future, and well, I like my air conditioning! But that doesn't mean I can't LOVE sitting around a fire with my family. It's so peaceful and relaxing to sit down at the end of the day and enjoy the fire pit. 

Being 110 degrees during the day means lots of ice and popsicle. Of course my kids are loving the popsiscle yummy treats and ya know what? So am I. That's Kalani enjoying the frozen treat without realizing she is eating a ton of veggies in it! Blueberry, Kale, Spinach and Yogurt - check! No sugar needed :) 

Friday night before Fathers Day our ward (church) held a Father & Son, men only, camping night. Declan and Damon loaded up and enjoyed themselves. Declan is still talking about it.... Well, that left us ladies to fend for ourselves and be girly. So what did we do? We loaded up and went to a rodeo! Loud music, awesome skills, beautiful animals, junk food, cheering and excitement? HELL YES! Like little farmer's daughters, our girls wore cute sundresses and their cowboy boots of course. Daunika even had a hat from halloween to wear. So. Much. FUN! We had so much fun, we took the boys the next night again with us! 

It's summer and that means food begins to be prepared to be stored, frozen, canned and preserved. There is something absolutely peaceful and healing about sitting down with a paring knife and pitting fruit or chopping veggies. This yummy bunch of Cherries was hand picked by a friend who graciously shared them with us! 

Have I mentioned how thankful I am for our goats? We're getting about a half gallon a day from just one nanny and I just love it! Fresh, raw, organic milk? Want to know the real kicker - I haven't mowed my lawn this summer at all. I"ve been staking our goats out because they love the variety of weeds in our yard and they are so happy to munch munch munch. All around - WIN! No hay costs right now, organic food (we don't spray, period!), happy healthy goats and almost free organic milk! Fresh daily! 

Second genius farmer idea? Grow weeds, er, Sunflowers, for your chickens! That is something like 65' of sunflowers in front of the chicken fencing. They will grow huge and awesome, then lean over the fence and drop their seeds straight into the chicken pen... I pretty much did nothing. This is genius. Thank you awesome husband for setting up watering for them and actually planting with me. Such collaboration. 

So much is so alive in our garden. Those are our tiny tomatillos! YUMMY!!!!! 

This tiny tot loves to garden with me. She loves to pull weeds and get her toes in the dirt. Daunika actually is a fantastic gardener and seems to enjoy it as well. She talks to the plants as she walks around them. She can tell you the different plants and seems to generally have a natural way around the garden. Very cool to watch. 

Compliments of this beautiful horse and good friends, my seven year old is in heaven now and actively praying every night for when we can 'buy our own farm with horses too'. Our mini-farm works for now little love! But I do agree with her, I long to ride on horses again. To mount and go... to be free and connected all at once. I can't wait either Daunika, I'm praying too! 

Oh what a wonderful life I have. Blogging is such a simple way to reflect at my blessings. This week has been pretty brutal. I'm not even going to lie! My camera broke (hello, I kind of use that at work! Hundreds of dollars!! AH!) and then I lost my brand-freaking-new phone (Can't even make it to work if I don't have a freaking phone, MAJOR panic attack!).... I was feeling sorry for myself. Why the hell did my life have to be so hard? Why couldn't I be one of those well protected, happy in my fucking bubble people? Well, because that wouldn't be real. My life isn't a fairy tale, a magical journey or a novel. It's real and real shit happens. I still cannot find my phone and my camera is on the docket for replacement. For now, my "old" phone will do and my camera works but needs a card reader.......... So while I was whining about how 'hard' my life was this week, I decided to reflect.... 

I have the best. friends. EVER. 

Seriously. 

So, best friends of mine, thank you. You wonderful people uphold me in the insanity that is reality. 

And the Mr. that holds me together when I cry about my camera and throw a fit about my phone. What a lucky girl I am... He keeps me grounded and reminds me that He's still there and everything is going to be alright. 

Four baby girls in Four day?!

While typically my blog is reserved for my homestead happenings, I must share with you all the incredible journey I've been on this week. Most of you know I'm a birth doula. For 5 years, this calling, this profession, this incredible journey has been so dynamic. In the time I've been a doula, I have welcomed my own children, I've seen in hospital, out of hospital, medication, non medicated, surgical, multiples, young, matured, first time parents and parents welcoming their 7th babies.... I was thinking I've seen a great deal of births but I never really feel like I know whats going to be thrown at me when I get 'the call'.

This week was no exception. I tucked my children into bed last Thursday evening, I curled up and finally fell asleep about 10:30 myself... I joined a wonderful family by 1:30am Friday and came home Saturday about 4 pm. Wow. This schedule sounds familiar to me because my own first labor was just over 43 hours long, and watching a labor that long, I began to feel enormous respect for this family and every family that I get to support.

Welcome little one, Baby girl A, it has been a pleasure supporting your family and meeting you!

If I thought 43 hours was going to be it for the week, fear not - Monday welcomed another little girl! I've had the pleasure of supporting this lovely family 2 years before. Actually, almost 2 years to the date, they welcomed a son and I was there to support them in their strengths. I am so thrilled to have been there again for this incredible family. 

And just like her big brother 2 years ago, this little girl had tons of beautiful hair! Welcome, little M. 

So Monday evening I am thinking that I've done two births in a single week, no biggie right? What a wonderful "birth high" I was falling from..... Nope, Tuesday welcomes not one, but TWO more little girls! This peaceful family is tucked in safely and being cared for by the best in the state. 

Such strong reflexes. Look at those tiny toes pinch Dad's hand! Welcome baby girl A! You look so much like your mama already!

Peacefully sleeping, Baby girl B looks like Dad! How funny, these little ones may be twins, but they have their own looks from the beginning. Welcome little one!

Wow. What a week. I could not have done it without the support of my family, my friends, those who prayed with me for energy and strength. I absolutely love being a doula. It's a profession that suits me. 

Disconnect to Reconnect?

Strange title, but I couldn't think of what else to write about this movement that feels like I need to take. Some of you are already realizing I'm harder to reach. Not for clients obviously, but I don't feel obligated to answer the phone for anyone and everyone right now. I appreciate my support network, I really do. The wonderful women and men that have held me up when I needed held, the ladies who didn't need to know every detail in the world to hold a space for despair, and those who celebrate with me triumphs and trials overcomes. You matter to me. You matter so much to me that I am slowing down and disconnecting a bit to reconnect to each of you. Stop by, you'll likely find me. I might be on the trampoline with my kids, sitting under the walnut tree with my husband, or perhaps in the basement hiding from the heat. I'm facing an intense on-call schedule and I'm embracing it with excitement after a nice long break! 

Fear not, breaks don't mean we were lazy! In fact, it's quite the opposite. 

My awesome kiddos helped on the gardening front by painting beautiful marker rocks. I love them! They are bright and colorful, a great art project for our resident artist, Daunika. She really excels at meaningful projects and finds enjoyment in helping others. I love her helpful spirit. 

Meet Diamond, Clover and Jack. These lovely goats are 'on-loan'. Diamond is a wonderful mother and is a delight to have around. Her littles are warming up to us and we're thrilled to have them. 

Fear not, our other goats are still around. In fact, while snapping the picture of Diamond and her kids, Mama decided my jeans were the perfect flavor to enjoy. Lettie thought better than eating my pants. Thank you.

Can I just shout from the rooftops how much I love when fresh ingredients are readily available at my fingertips? It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I'm in love with my herb garden. This lovely garlic and fresh basil went into lasagna lovingly made for a friend who was injured. I love being able to bring a meal to those around me. It's the ultimate community. I have always been so incredibly thankful for those who have helped me so much while in need with meals and extra hands. Giving a meal to others is a bit of prayer, a bit of kitchen magic and a lot of heart all in one act. Wonderful isn't it? 

Our domestic old ornament... I mean, our lovely cat, Livvy, is enjoying every bit of sun she can. This is a very typical way to find her at any given moment. 

Lani and Daddy here in a quick snap shot before he left for work. She is a little sun spot that takes intense amounts of energy and is definitely a Daddys girl. It's adorable. 

My mom is having very serious medical issues right now. She is immobile most of the time due to severe adema and I've witnessed her frustration, her anger, her sorrow at her inability to do anything she wants. This lovely tray of veggies has been her project. I'm thrilled to see her excited to start plants for us right now. I'm grateful for the plants of course but I'm so incredibly thankful for her joy and her overcoming her lack of mobility right now to keep up with this lovely project. I stopped by the other day to find her not in her usual place in the living room but sitting outside in the sunshine with her gardening pots and plants. The look on her face was hopeful and I just pray she gets well soon. 

While I'm jabbering on and on about life... I should introduce our newest members of our little homestead. These lovely turkeys are so fun! Who knew?! I am going to be the first to admit I was a bit nervous about turkeys. They seem scarier than chickens. But honestly, they are so much friendlier and seem much more intelligent. I'm very happy to add them to our home and have high hopes to hatch our eggs from these lovelies. This week I have plans to wrangle my husband into building me a hoop house for them to enjoy. 

With lovely eggs like these collected today, don't worry, this homestead won't likely ever be without chickens again. I'm so incredibly thankful for this patch of earth we call ours right now. It's given us so many great experiences and taught us so much. 

So, why the 'disconnect'? Well, with all these wonderful things going on around me, I find it harder and harder to stay up to date with ten million groups, advocating for every other thing in the world that I really do believe in... but I realized that instead of blabbing about all the things I believed in, I actually had it in front of me to grasp. It's scary to step back from all the things that keep you busy. The stillness is vulnerable and wonderful and scary and exciting. It's never truly still around here - with 39 chickens, 5 turkeys, 6 goats, 4 children, life on call as a doula, a bustling business and a community of friends I count as family, really - it is almost never still here. The stillness I speak of is that of what fills the soul instead of my smart phone. It's the trip to the library alone that fills my cup, or the learning of new skills with wonderful communities all around me to teach me if I would just open my soul. 

So, perhaps I'll miss the next months of playdates, marches or all sorts of things that I would enjoy. What I will be doing is crawling in bed earlier, reading more, knitting more, laughing more and filling my soul with these littles that bless me daily with the title Mom. I'll be at Eagle Island, in the garden, at the park, the back yard bonfires and early morning hikes. I'll be busy, just differently so. I hope to reconnect with you all but to mostly reconnect myself with the glory that is gifted to me every morning I wake. 

A soothing week for the soul

Ahhhhhhhhhhh............. What a great week. I feel elated and calm after a wonderful week of peaceful enjoyment with my family. I can't say we did anything really amazing. We just practiced the art of 'being' together, it rocked. Sometimes I think in the hustle of life, I forget to sit down and laugh to my souls content. The coming week is already shaping into a busy one but for this past week, I've enjoyed the peaceful belonging of just sitting in my comfortable skin and having a damn good life.

Sunday we decided to walk to church. It is amazing weather out there! 

Close to us, there is a simple catch-and-release pond. This time of year it's full of babies!! Goslings and ducklings are adorable and we stopped to admire them several times over the last couple weeks. The kids enjoyed walking to church and feeding the ducks on the way Sunday. 

We also did the 'ordinary' things, like head to see the dentist! Aurora and Daunika did great. Kalani was very involved and curious, Declan enjoyed the toy room and could care less, go figure!

Tonight we enjoyed planting strawberries (again, darn goats got the first bunch of them this year!). We also planted beans in the garden patch, snap peas, lettuces, lavender and rosemary. 

This coming week, the agenda is full. 

For tonight, my soul delights in the rest of the weekend to come!

It's May already!

I really love these moments. Happy children sitting together enjoying a snack and laughter is alive in them. This was taken 2 weeks ago. I'm enjoying this Spring season to dive in with out an agenda. We're simply being together in happiness. It's a lightness in the air that is almost tangible. 

This is what four kids running down a hall way looks like. A daily occurance, I felt this photo had it's place in history because it's so real. Lani in the middle trying not to get plowed over while yelling at them, Declan "ready to go outside" in his under ware, shirt and don't forget his shoes! Lastly, our big girls leading the pack!

Aurora sported this awesome black eye. I think this is her first ever and she was totally oblivious to it. It was a result of a head crashing good time on the trampoline with friends. Good times end in black eyes right? When we bought the trampoline we had a long talk about were we ok with broken bones... I hadn't expected black eyes!

Kalani decided that this face would be the one most presentable this past week. I had a really super hard week with the kids and well, she added her intensity. Can't be forgotten right? If she's going to scream at me so much... might as well snap a damn photo of it. Framing this for prom and graduation aye? This captures her true hollering face but not the fury that comes with it sometimes. Love the messy hair. 

Despite having a crappy week, peanut butter cookies were in store for kiddos. It was a necessary addition to save sanity and generally re-institute peace when chaos was all around. 

By the end of the week, we were mostly back to normal. This kiddo and me decided to patch it up and not kill each other. At 17 month old, this little one certainly is giving me a run for my money. This is generally speaking my least favorite stage of childrens' development but we'll make it. It's not a bad stage, it's just an adjustment phase. It's where they learn they really demand things and Mom really has rules. No means no, wait means wait, and you have to learn to fit in with a whole family because the world doesn't rise and set always surrounding you. This stage brings tears because they demand cookies for breakfast when they can see them in the jar and dislike the answer no, you can have eggs and yogurt. 

Just a stage that will pass so quickly it almost seems surreal to think back to when we were there with each of our older kids that aren't that much older at all. 

This lovely snap shot was taken by a fellow co-op mom for our TEACH Co-Op family photo for the year book. Not bad at all. All kids looking? That's damn near impossible. Aurora sporting her black eye? Check. Kalani moody? Check. Declan doing is "cheese" face when he sees a camera? Check. 

THAT folks is me trying not to die of pain during a 10K. It was impossibly hard with a stress fracture. I hadn't anticipated how the injury would truly impact my morale and general time. I didn't quit. I threw up from intense pain and felt defeated and frustrated. WHY had I gotten hurt just before this? Why now? BAH! But in the end, I finished with the best welcoming crew that surprised me at the finish line! 3 of 4 kiddos and my husband and Lani cheered me on. 

Bring on a peaceful, relaxing Spring week for all of us. We need it. 

Science loves Spring!!

The change of season always brings about a serious love of science. It's the time in the world when the earth comes alive and we marvel and wonder that everything didn't die without the heat and shelter we need as humans. We praise green shoots that bring flowers and food. We admire birds and hopefully feel enthusiastic as we seek energy after a resting winter. The natural flow of the world just drives my kids to ask a million questions - and what home school mother wouldn't use this to her advantage?!

We're planting things left and right, raising baby chickens, baby goats, and studying water cycles. It's a very fluid study that follows their demands and expands far greater than I expect.

Have I mentioned I love Spring?!

Daunika, Aurora, Declan and me set out to full understand how the rain comes to be. Enter these nifty little bags of water, sealed of course, and sharpies. Now, Aurora wrote the cycle as Clouds > Rain > Water  and Daunika and I discussed it further and she wrote Condensation > Precipitation > Liquid form > Evaporation.

And of course, I made one for Declan to "experiment" with us. He was thrilled and in true Moose fashion, he held his own with asking his questions.

To further develop this - we heated up the bags with a hair dryer to create evaporation. Once enough evaporation had occurred  the water droplets became heavy and began to fall creating precipitation. The kids were THRILLED!!!

So, for hours, our kids ran around yelling "I can make RAIN, I can make real RAIN!!!!!" What a success. Getting kids excited about learning is amazing and Daunika can recite the cycle and explain it fairly in depth without skipping a beat because her learning was fun and that helped her really remember it. She wrote a beautiful journal entry about rain helping our earth too.

Letti is our remaining baby goat. She is so loving and free spirited. She is getting big fast too!

Our lettuces, despite complete and total neglect (literally!) they are surviving. We placed several seeds all in the planters and set them outside. I haven't covered them up because I wanted to see how they would fair honestly. It's so early in the season, I am seeing what a few seeds do in response to cold. So far, our peas are grumpy and only a few sprouted but our lettuce and spinach is rocking it!

I'm getting ready to move our chickens over into a new set up, I'll update soon loves!