Two more feet in my home...

Oh the heavy heart weighs me down today. I'm teary and a bit restless. I'm facing an enormous task and feeling a bit alone in it. Several months ago, I experienced a pretty traumatic miscarriage of our 5th child. Many would say "you have enough children", "why tempt fate?", "just assume that was God saying stop". Few said things like that, instead many rallied around for my support in helping me as I grieved. Those beautiful souls who let me stay at their home all day when the news hit, the friends who brought me food to help feed my family while I lost my footing for a week and was healing, those who brought me a project to keep my hands busy as my mind raced. Among my many blessings, I just knew life was going to be ok somehow...... It is.


Until this week............



This would be another heart stopping moment. The moment when I realize my home is growing by two feet again... but not the ones I expected. With a heavy heart, a serving spirit, I realize that my Mom will be moving in with us. She hasn't been well for some time and somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered if I would be ready when this call needed to be made, but I'm not sure I was. She hasn't recovered from her heart attack two years ago. In fact, I'd say she is worse today than she was before.

My mind races as I begin to asses this new chapter in my life. My mom is 70. Not 90. Not 100. I want to cry and scream and tell the world it's unfair. I want to rant and rave that I want her healthy and perfect another 20 or 50 years. I am so incredibly sad and I cannot even describe it. Now, it's not all gloom and doom. I'm excited to have my mom near by. Even if she can't be that support that I so desperately have clung to in the past, the roles can change and I will be that for her. She is the woman that I get the pleasure of introducing as not the mom who birthed me but the one who chose to keep me despite all odds. Hours and hours of laughter, friendship and intelligent conversations. She is my Mom. I adore her.

This weekend we prepare our home to welcome her with open arms. My kids are thrilled. I don't think they understand yet that Grandma is sick and needs our help but I hope their little hearts are resilient and peaceful as we love her during this difficult time.

About 7 years ago we took care of my great grandmother during her final year. It was heart breaking work. To watch the end of the circle of life when my profession is surrounding the beginning of the circle is so bittersweet. To realize your family members have lived full and beautiful lives is awesome, to realize you will miss them so incredibly much is not awesome.

I am not one to send those who are aging into homes. I am not one who believes society is doing ourselves a favor by filling facilities with those in need of care as they age. I disagree. Where is the heart? The soul? The service? I won't allow my family to sink quietly into the night and die among strangers. I'm well aware this is harder. I've done it before, in the last decade. I just can't leave her somewhere. She wouldn't want that. Doesn't want that.

She doesn't want to be a burden either. 

I understand. I really truly do. 

I am excited. Torn. Scared. Exhausted. Splintering. Elated. Hopeful. Devastated. 

This isn't a journey I expected this decade. I assumed my kids would be teenagers, I assumed we'd live somewhere else, I assumed I had time.... I assumed SHE had time. 

Hold on dear ones, I'm going to need all the strength I can rally from all of you. I'll need your support, your prayers, your confidence in me. This is going to be rough on me. 

This is going to be rougher on her and that makes me sad.