Seeking the Good...

... can be SCARY! 

Ok, so if you know anything about me, at all, you know that I'm really comfortable knowing what is coming up next. I am ok creating my own forecast for the weather. Control freak? No, I just really like knowing where I fit in the universe. I like the ebb and flow of giving and taking and hoping I do my best. I like knowing I belong.

Well, I've been known to do a few random things in my life - like show up to an LDS church service week after week. It goes something like this:

Them: "Oh! Did you just move here?"
Me: "No"
Them: "Did the missionaries invite you?"
Me: "Nope, in fact, I haven't met any missionaries living here"
(insert appalled look as they try to figure out how to get my address without asking directly)
Them: "Great to see you, you must know someone in the ward"
Me: "Nope, but I love the Gospel and I thought I would walk across hot burning coals today show up alone with my four children"

*crickets*

I have replayed this scene exactly the same with two wards now. I really hope that by reading this, if you EVER attend ANY CHURCH SERVICE EVER IN THE WORLD - please, for the love of Christ, come up with something to say after you realize someone is new, knows no one there at all, and is sacred shitless to ask for help navigating around this journey while holding their shit together as one small 2 year pees his pants, one big sassy 6 year old tells you she found a new best friend and walks away and you have no idea how to find her, one shy introverted 4 year old hides in your dress and the baby in your arms needs fed. right. now.

It's really simple, follow along:

Them: "Great to see you, are you new here?"
Me: "Yes" (this silence is not rudeness, it's terror!)
Them: "Awesome, well I am so and so, I've been new before too and that can be tricky. Can I help you find (do, go, etc) the classes for (you, your kids, your baby, etc)?"
Me: "YES! Thank you, you're right, it's hard being new places!"

Wellll.................... drum roll please. I am yet again going into uncharted waters! ALONE! Without a parachute and I am totally OK saying I'm scared! Woo. That was actually a tad hard to admit out loud. But at least tonight I'll not have 2 year old pee, 6 year old disappearing and 4 year old cling-on to contend with (I will however have cranky, teething, 9 month old wants to do nothing but screech and nursing with me!)

See, I know lots of fantastic, heart warming, soul changing women that I'm sure I'll see tonight. Any one of them is an ally, advocate and friend. I'm sure I could hook my little red wagon on to theirs and say "I'm nervous, mind if I ride with you tonight?" and they would probably say yes. For each and every one of those women, Thank you. Thank you for holding a space you didn't know you were holding for me. I'm driving myself today, and tomorrow, and I'm doing it because I want to. I want to experience the vulnerability that comes from going without a forecast. Because deep in my soul, I'm hoping to stand among like minded women and without knowing how or why or specifics, I'm hoping to 'get it'. I'm not sure I can further explain it.

I'm secretly terrified someone who doesn't like me any more will stand on the podium and scream "MACYS HERE AND SHES NOT A MORMON"!!!! and all the women will pull out tomatoes from their bags and toss them at me. (While that sounds nuts, I had a nightmare about it! It was so vivid I threw up from the stress!)

The truth is, I'm trying and I'm scared and this is a big deal. So tonight and tomorrow I'm going to a conference for LDS women titled "Time Out For Women: Seek the Good". I am taking the time, and I'm trying to seek the good. I've changed my clothes 4 times today trying to figure out what is expected of me (can I wear jeans to this thing?! or is it church attire only?!) And I've found that I've picked up my phone to call my old ally three times to ask for her advice. Strange. I don't even have that phone number any more but the habit to ask for help is there.

So, Here's my long, all over the place blog to Seeking the Good. I am so excited and so terrified.

Pray for me, the forecast is unknown but I'm excited!!!