January Highlights!

In the whirlwind of my very busy days, I haven't been reflecting enough on what I love about my life lately! Daunika recently went through and read my blog and I realized that I miss blogging as a format to have a record of some fun times we have!

It feels like each time I have a newborn, it is not the newborn that is the hardest part of the equation - but the toddler that's suddenly been enjected from "baby of the family" status to "older sibling" status. Anaius is struggling a bit with this new title in the house and he's incredibly smart - and incredibly stubborn! He's also SO fun when you kind of use the same concept of "he's like a puppy that needs regular exercise outside!" because he loves being out in the world and exploring.

Sometimes, this is a bit tricky! For example, this is a photo of him with a cute little bare bum, his boots and a fierce determination to get outside despite me telling him pants were required. NO is his new favorite thing to tell me. I'm frequently reminding myself that this stage passes quickly.....

But, he's really really cute. 

Don't worry though, he's not the only cute kid here! 

This sweet girl of ours is growing up so fast. Lately she's excelling in all things science. In our home, she knows more about animals than anyone but lately it wasn't enough "science" for her. She was given the option of biology, physics or chemistry and we talked about all them at length before she decided that she wanted to start with physics!

She is LOVING it!

Lately. I feel like I am falling in love with home schooling our kids again. It's been a ROUGH couple months though. I got stuck in the rut of the concept of what it "should" look like. The very best parts of home schooling is the freedom for it to look ANY WAY WE WANT!

Sometimes it looks like this - 

But we've found so much more is retained by it looking like this with our little kids - 

What is funny to me about this photo is looking at this later, I notice the math on the white board in the background.

And it looks like this for Declan as often as we can. Declan thrives on games and is working hard on good sportsmanship. 

Kalani is full of art fun lately! She is just a bubbly kiddo and I adore her. She's taken up a new saying "okie-dokie" but the way she says it is just hilarious. It brightens the room!

Declan has something new and exciting to look forward to every week for now! He's started playing basketball and he is THRILLED to death with it! I love seeing his excitement and pure joy in simply owning a basketball. He's talked about it non-stop and I look forward to supporting him in playing more sports in the future!

One of the funnest aspects of our weeks has picked back up in January and my kiddos are loving co-op! Here's a sneak peak of our girls working hard on a super awesome project on the found mothers of the U.S.

January has been a magical month and we are starting 2017 with renewed purpose and strength in our home.

Onward, upward! 

2017 here we go!

Several years in a row, I've taken the last week of the year to reflect on how the year went. I don't set specific goals or "resolutions" but instead I prefer reflection to analyze the good, the bad, the reality of how a year went for us.Somehow the last week blurred past me and I never got my year end blog up to date - but we're alive and well over here!

One of my FAVORITE things to do is look at a "then and now" view of each of my babies!

Daunika in December of 2015:

Daunika in 2016:

Aurora in December 2015: 

Aurora at the end of 2016: 

Declan in December 2015: 

Declan end of 2016!

Kalani at the end of 2015: 

Kalani in December 2016: 

Anaius in December of 2015: 

Anaius end of 2016: 

And our tiniest kiddo was simply two pink lines at the end of 2015 but rung in the new year looking like the sweetest addition this year could bring a family! Adelene is 3 months old now. 

It was a fun year, a hard year, a real dig-deep kind of year. We started the year snapping a photo like this in an unseasonably warm winter Feb 2016  -

And winter again? It's one of the wettest and coldest winters Idaho has had! But who can complain when I get awesome photos like this oh our family to end the year? 

Happy 2017 Y'all! 

Meant for our home.

It's been no secret this year has been one of the hardest in my adult life. At the end of last year, I found myself unexpectedly expecting. Let me be clear - in no way do I wish to minimize the struggles of infertility of those around me but I think life can be extremely tricky sometimes on both sides of the family planning journey. Multiple times I have found my family expanding because of birth control failures.... This final pregnancy of mine was no exception to that! I did what any healthy, sane person would do when faced with despair - I found myself a quality therapist specifically to accept the hand life had dealt me!

Yep, it's true. But what I learned through that process was invaluable. Faced with "not wanting" this pregnancy - I was suddenly thrown into turmoil at the beginning when I found myself diagnosed with a subchronic hemorrhage. I had expected to be saying goodbye to a little one when I went in for an early ultrasound but was shocked to see a tiny, perfectly developed little person! Over the next month, bleeding was intensely scary. It wasn't predictable and I was at war with myself - I said I was done but did that mean I couldn't feel sadness if I were facing loss? What a head trip.

Next knock to this journey? Pubic symphysis dysfunction . HOLY PAIN BATMAN. I have a very high pain tolerance but mostly how I deal with pain is movement. What do you do when you can't move without pain? Go mentally insane. It took me about 3 months, a shit ton of tears, a devastating limitation on my family vacation and a couple books on physiology to find what was triggering my pain and how to help myself. Never to be the victim, I felt victorious and was able to end my pregnancy confident that I would be ok.

My last month of pregnancy really was excellent. I felt better than I had in months and I had done so much emotionally hard work to find myself at a fairly peaceful place. I engaged with my kiddos in ways that were meaningful and fun. We all needed a large dose of FUN! This is the last picture I have of the adventures we enjoyed together in my last week being a mom of 5....

SOAKING wet from our walk at Eagle Island... our walk? More like a brief walk before we all jumped in the freezing cold river fully clothed in the middle of a school day. WOOT!

My due date came and went without much notice.... Thursday morning (like 1 am) I was woken with a  strange crampy pattern that got me out of bed. I didn't want to be alone so I asked Damon to get up and walk with me. Things fizzled after a couple hours and we tucked back into bed peacefully. Thursday continued without much fuss. In fact, nothing happened at all. Damon stayed close with his uncanny ability to know things are brewing and I felt like the watched pot that would never boil. I tucked into bed early Thursday evening and was sound asleep by 9 pm. Just before 11 pm, I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Thinking the end of pregnancy was unpredictable, I put on some meditation music and drew a warm bath for myself. Within 30 minutes I not only was stuck in the bath, I knew I was in transition. At 1230am on Friday, September 30th, just 10-15 minutes after our midwife had arrived, our little one decided to make an appearance! We didn't know the gender for sure but it was with joy we looked down and welcomed a beautiful daughter!

Just an hour old here.

After a couple days several things became clear - this girl was different so she needed a name that matched her - Adelene Kate! and she was struggling, In a miraculous turn of events, we were able to get her in to a specialist for a double frenectomy at just 5 days old. This was the two of us just before leaving for that appointment..




But our struggles were not over there. Without verbally up-chucking all our woes - let's just say it's been an intense 5 weeks. Like all our children, I don't claim to have any understanding of them in the beginning. I believe firmly that even from birth they are their own people and we need to learn about their needs. This is no different.

Unexpectedly, Adelene's feeding issues are similar to Anaius (yep, lightning CAN strike twice) and what our home wasn't prepared for was the PTSD reaction that I would have. It's rocky folks. We are all struggling because I am struggling.

For now, I simply know that she was meant for our home and any feelings of "I don't want this last baby" are completely resolved as I've pushed through countless hours trying to help her grow, as I have fallen to my knees and prayed for her strength, as I have felt humility in new ways - she is absolutely cherished and wanted in this home.

We are taking it one day at a time. I'm not one  to pretend... so that means you might show up one day and find me crying and the house looks a mess and the next, I've showered, made muffins and we're headed to the zoo. It's a bit of a wild ride, but we're taking it one day at a time.

Here's a peak at this beautiful girl of ours for those family members who haven't seen her on facebook!

*** this blog was written a week ago and somehow I forgot to post it! ***

A bit of heaven? Ha.

Life is a tricky thing, isn't it? I've had an interesting year and at the turn of the half way point, I admit I've wanted to wave a white flag and give up several times! Typically, I am an optimist. I struggle to stay in a place of stuck - in fact, I'm rather the opposite and I just "unstick" myself and charge my way through the mess. It's both incredibly freeing to have that ability and extremely tricky to not seem calloused or uncaring.

Some time ago I was feeling stuck - I can recall a morning I sat in the middle of the health and welfare office with my tiny children and I felt worthless. Interesting, but true. I had failed somehow to protect myself, my children and my home from being "needy". Oh man was that a loaded statement - one that I no longer believe - but the lies I had conjured up in my head were yucky indeed. I sat there and vowed I would never be helpless again. Something as basic as growing a damn tomato plant every year would empower me. I would be a giver. I would learn a new skill. I would DO something about my situation.

I planted my first garden that year. I lived in a rental, I had never grown a thing in my life and I was totally clueless. I was blissfully clueless - because I dove in clueless - I also lost nearly everything in that garden because our lease was up in August and we ripped out most of it to lay sod back down. It was certainly a learning experience! Sweat, hard work, tears, curse words - those are the foundations to an excellent garden grown by me. I'm sure that others would say soil nutrients, water retention of the soil, drainage, compost, bugs, worms, blah blah blah.... I am inclined to admit I know absolutely NOTHING about that stuff.

I'm not even kidding. Some people need to know that stuff. Some people amaze me with facts. Me? I feel gardening in the marrow of my bones. So, a couple houses later, several more children and a whole lot of sweat, hard work, tears and curse words later - I find myself thinking about all I accomplish on this tiny acre in the middle of subdivisions. What a different sort of year it's been for my home. Certainly it's been full of unexpected complications.... Surprise pregnancy? Sure. Subchronic hemorrhage? Um, I guess it's cool to randomly wake up in a murder scene? A ligament trying to kill me from the inside and make me useless to my family? Well, why not?!

So, while the unexpected punches kept rolling in - I cut everything from my schedule and life that wasn't absolutely a must-do. Even some of my must-dos meant I was slower while I worked through complications. I'm so incredibly grateful to be in a better place after some trial and error this pregnancy. PHEW.

So, flash back to that scene in H&W with my two tots and my helplessness? Yea... So, you can understand why producing food is a non-negotiable for me. Not only is it great therapy, it's incredibly hard sometimes and it feels good to know you can do hard things! Things are full swing around here...




When we left in June, I was so sad to miss the beginning of my raspberries. I prayed that enough would make it when we came back and God must have been listening because we're harvesting more than a pint EVERY DAY! And given how many flowers and green little berries are loaded on these plants, I'm inclined to say this crop is going to be beautiful all summer long. Right now, Kalani's favorite thing to do is go out and harvest everything she can. She comes in with her shirt full of eggs and red juices all over her face.

Blackberries are just beginning to come on and goodness they are delish! Not a single one is making it inside the house because they are eaten fresh off the vine. I am so excited that we chose to plant an entire 120 feet of blackberries as our front fence (in addition to our 65' of raspberries!). I see jams, pies, sharing with neighbors, and so many many meals of fresh picked berries in our future! Sometimes though, it's really really hard to imagine what it's going to be like in the future.... I'm sure from the outside, it looks like weeds and more weeds... if only they could see what I see.

I see hope... Well, most of the time.

Unlike our garden area, that is suppose to be grass/clover mix. And it was, lush and soft and fabulous. Until a family of gophers decided to move in and ruin everything. Seriously, what are these things!? MUTANTS! Jerks. Destroyers of all our hard work! I was out hanging clothes on my line and totally fell over and rolled my ankle on one of these bastard mounds. Grr!! Even more frustrating is they continually (read: DAILY) fill up our sprinkler control box with dirt. Instead of my shopvac living happily in my kitchen like usual, it's in the barn so we can battle back the control valves to keep the grass alive. And their tunnels? They are following the sprinkler lines so trying to dig up their tunnels punctures our sprinkler lines. It's a nightmare. I'm a wee bit over them living here and would appreciate them choosing to go to the moon instead. Overwhelming. Seriously.

Something simple and keeping me present is hanging clothes on the line. In fact, I haven't ran my dryer all summer, and most of the spring! It feels amazing to just focus on the here and now. I find myself far too distracted with the outside world honestly - and doing little things like washing clothes and line drying them slows me down and keeps me in the moment. I find myself in tune with what my kids seem to wear every day. I notice what they never wear too. I notice the weather too. It's pretty fabulous to slow down..... And why the heck do we use so many towels!?!?!?!?




Those of you not on Facebook might have missed our really eventful weekend with our bacon seed project that started on Saturday with escapees. As our pigs have gotten older, their personalities are shining. Our boy is a jerk. He's constantly ramming into the girl and tries to do things like keep her from food and if she's trying to get a drink, he suddenly needs one.... well, he decided to test the cattle panels/t-post set up. He found a weak point in it and she followed him. Luckily, I had just walked outside to hang clothes on the line, my husband was home, and I saw them literally leaving their pen. I ran inside yelling like the place was on fire and came out to find them in the middle of the freaking road.

We live on the busy road. Not a rural, middle of no where road - but in city limits, drive 40 mph, stop light hundred feet from our yard kind of road! So, ya know at the fair when they have a couple pigs and they grease them up, throw in some people trying to earn some prizes and say "CATCH THEM"... Well, I always found that seriously amusing. I had never been near a pig closely before buying a couple of course, but I always laughed at how hard it seemed for people to catch pigs.

I will never, ever, ever laugh again. First off, they are fast. They are bull dozer strong and they don't give a hoot if they aren't suppose to be in the middle of Cherry Lane with traffic - they do what they want. Further, when people are running after them, they aren't dumb - they run faster and not toward you! We had people yell at us. We had people laughing at us. We had one gloriously nice couple stop and offer help.

So, I'm in full panic mode watching my idiot bacon seeds run around like loons and Damon is staring at me and saying "What do you need? How do we get them back?"

Enter crickets in my brain. I shit you not, I have never owned livestock before what I currently do. I didn't grow up on a farm. In fact, I hated the farm section of the fair as a kid and always thought it was smelly. I am the least farming-farmer you have ever met.... So, what did I need? I needed a farmer. Ya know, someone who could actually know what to do!!!! Mid-hyperventilating and nearly on the brink of tears, I asked for rope to turn into a lasso. In my brain, I could see how they roped calves at the rodeo and thought I could probably figure that out.

I did. Once I got the rope around them, we tied legs and got them into their pen as quickly as possible. Now, unlike calf roping - pigs SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. They are loud, strong, and I felt like the worst pig owner in the history of man. To top it off, I was able to lift the first pig (girl) but upon trying to get the boy pig, felt a ripping searing pain in my ligament... I had injured myself and could do no more. I absolutely burst into tears, while holding down a screaming pissed off animal, and Damon is yelling at me to DO SOMETHING... It wasn't our greatest moments as homesteaders I tell ya. But it was reality. It was us learning.

Now, we both came out of the event with a firm "We can't do that again" trauma. Both of us scratched, a bit bloody, bruised, dirty and exhausted. So, at 9 am on Sunday morning, we found ourselves at D&B shelling out an ungodly amount of money for all the supplies we needed for electric fencing. The weather was cool and it was a bit rainy. Rain in Idaho isn't really an issue. We get something like 11 inches year round in Boise - and it's JULY. So, we assumed it'd be a bit wet but we're born and raise pacific northwest kids, we adore rain!

So, Sunday is rained RECORD AMOUNTS. 

Now, I could have smiled and tried but really, I was soaked 4 layers down and was in fairly excruciating pain from the wrestling the evening before. I was exhausted, I didn't have a clue about how in the world an electric fence goes together (thank God for my husband!) and I was at my whits end. Most of the day was actually OK. We worked together. We laughed, we talked. We accomplished our task.... It would have been absolutely horrific to do alone, but Damon and I literally slogged through the mud, newbie farmers, together.

So, we accomplished getting the electric fence working.... After several trouble shooting issues, we finally got it on - praise the lord, we'd be ok now right? Ha. Well, pigs are bull dozers and when scared, they run FORWARD. So, suddenly being zapped by their fencing? They plowed through it, through the cattle panels and escaped, terrified.

Again, we got them back in their pen and I lost my carefully controlled emotions. I sobbed. I was done. I was in so much pain and if the electric fence wasn't going to be the answer, I was listing them on Craigslist immediately. So, of course, Damon and I had to argue. In wet clothes, exhausted and neither of us experienced farmers - we were pretty done and burnt out. We were humans.

I think parts of this life is totally a bit of heaven. It demands courage and heart I didn't know I needed in life. It is simple and satisfying. It is awful and breaks your heart. It really demands everything from you.

We still don't have a pig solution. If they get out again and I'm solo, I have no plan. I have no safety net. I am vulnerable and know it. It feels pretty awful.

But I haven't given up on my little bit of heaven.

Yet.



Onward and upward, seeking to be my best version of a Proverbs 31 woman :)

Vacation continues... and why I fell apart (part 2)

I left off our last blog with Tuesday evening. My children had a great time bowling with my hubby and his dad. I wish I could express completely how much it mattered to me that Damon fully and completely supported me in setting a limit of not wanting to see his dad. It wasn't something he thought I "should" do - he just peacefully accepted I had to set some limits and boundaries for my safety and health - and he loved me through it. I tell you, this man is a blessing to me in so many ways.

Setting aside Tuesday - though important to note because it led to lots of things - we entered Wednesday of our vacation! Super excited kiddos woke happily and we set off to spend the day with Damon's mom, Leslie! Pacific Science Center for the win! We all had a complete blast. Oh so fun.

We chose to skip actually going up the space needle because of our "little" kid stages - but Daunika was not disappointed, she was actually thrilled to walk around it outside and was openly shocked at how tall it was. Silly kid.

I think all my kids except Daunika were disappointed in the Lego exhibit. We hadn't researched it (because this is ME we're talking about and I never plan anything)... My kids wanted to be inspired AND to touch legos. This was an art gallery of incredible works, no touching involved. Daunika on the other hand really shined in this setting. She was well educated on many of the displays, their histories, where they were located in the world, and so on. I was really proud of her! Homeschooling win? I think so. She digs art and I consider it my entire job to support her in learning the topics she loves fully.

Thursday was equally excellent. I had pushed hard through a great deal of pain on Wednesday and had to adjust my expectations for Thursday.... I had to adapt. So, how do you balance needing to sit with the desire to keep up? A little of both worked beautifully :)

Since we went to both Woodland Park Zoo and Point Defiance - I can easily say - Go to Point Defiance. It's so much better. The staff is engaging, it has an aquarium in it, the kids pet aradillos, sting rays and more! It was AWESOME. But me and Anaius stepped out for most of it. He was exhausted, I was in pain. I knew I had hit my limit. I drove around the beautiful 5-mile-drive in Point Defiance Park and landed myself in a lovely walking path while my baby slept in the car and I sat in the GREEN!

Part of our trip to Point Defiance was the plan to ride several ferries. Our kids have been born and raised in land-locked, Idaho. Oh so dry, Idaho. You'd think riding these ferries was a magical experience - and that is because to them, it was indeed <3

Friday was my favorite day. It was our "we have no plan" day. I had been careful Thursday and felt great! Our kids wanted to swim again in the hotel and they loved the ferry rides - so instead of another museum or science gig, we rode had a peaceful morning eating breakfast, packing lunches and catching a ferry to the other side of the sound - destination : ICE CREAM. No, seriously, our goal was to relax and snag ice cream at a cute specialty shop on the water. It was perfect.

Our kids loved being able to walk down the marina, touch boats and compare them. They were thrilled when I said they could crawl on their bellies and touch the fish in the waters! It really was so relaxing. Friday night we went swimming and Damon and I got a real date night too with yummy food and one on one adult time. 

And in case you were wondering - this is what exhausted children sleep like :)


Saturday we hiked Snoqualmie Falls, Anaius got sick, we had lunch with Leslie & Tora, then said goodbye to the big city... Just in time for me to fall apart.

Yep, it's a true story.

When I lived in Seattle, I was in the middle of the deepest, darkest time in my life. I was neck high of slogging through the ugliest shit you can imagine. I was in therapy to process being raped as a child, confronted by my new sexuality (16 and just moved in with my boyfriend? hello triggers!). I had left my own home state and childhood home in anger and fear. All around, I was in a complete shit status in Seattle. I had assumed I had resolved and forgave myself for just kind of failing at living in Seattle but this trip was all sorts of enlightening for me.

When we moved to Idaho in 2004, it was a joint decision. I think. I don't really remember! I was still slogging through the yuck, but we survived. This trip was an interesting mix of freaking awesome and old fears. Was I doing "enough"? Ha. That's why seeing Mike, Damon's Dad was a giant shit storm because in my mind, I can clearly hear him say to me that I was "taking away his son from him." What kind of lifelong blessing is THAT?! As you can tell, it had a profound impact on my thoughts for the last 15 years.

(14 years ago, we looked like this)


While in Seattle, similar fears popped up though as Damon relaxed and looked so carefree again in Seattle. A glimpse of the boy I fell in love with so recklessly. Little statements in our trip - like how "of course he wasn't lost, he grew up there" placed me (unknowingly at the time) in a place of feeling like a bit of an outsider on my own darn vacation! Other comments about how much he loved the area, how different his dreams were when we lived there, how he could see himself living in so and so area. All triggers. All little cracks.

And ya know what? I think I'd have been OK if I was less committed to loving him and upholding all his dreams. If we were less happy, less in love, less of a solid unit - it wouldn't have been so scary! But the truth is, I absolutely LOVE my husband. I would bend over backward and chop myself easily in half to hold him up in accomplishing his dreams. It is without hesitation that I say - He would do the same for me. I hadn't really considered that Seattle was his home though. It was just a brief period in my life and I was focused on healing then, but it was where he began life. Of course it's familiar to him and brings up different memories.

In those  moments in our vacation though, I felt panic. What if I had failed to help him accomplish what he wanted in life? What if Idaho wasn't his home? What if he missed engineering goals and working on giant projects. We all know he's brilliant. His brain lives, sleeps, eats in buildings. He was made for this work.... But was our little construction company in Idaho enough? And if it wasn't, was I enough? (DING DING DING! enter the panic!)

I got beyond that thought really fast actually. Once I dug down into why I was so upset (as we drove painfully slow home), I realized I was really secure in my place as loved as his wife but I still didn't know how to settle my feelings about upholding his dreams. Seeing him vacation was amazing... He didn't answer the phone every time it rang. He didn't check his email ten times an hour to make sure probuild got his order and catch the next invoices needing to be paid or work on billing others to make sure we paid our mortgage... So, I suppose it was really unfair to compare VACATION to every day life - but I want the very very best for him. I want him to feel carefree and magic more often. I want to make sure that in everything I do, I hold him up. I want him to know that he's loved.

(on our vacation, man we were tired that first day!!!)


And in that, I spent a solid week thinking of how to find my peace again at my home.

The truth is, I found it again. It wasn't misplaced and I'm not at all ashamed of my falling apart. I fell apart in a less than stellar way, but my WHY doesn't cause me a bit of pain. Marriage isn't half ass to me. It's an all in, all consuming, forever and in to eternity kind of deal.

I'm really thankful we went on vacation and I am even more blessed that I could fall apart to realize how important upholding my husbands dreams is to me personally. I feel stronger than ever in my role as his wife. Little things that I know about him, only I get to hold sacred and cheer him on. I look at our home with awe, wonder and a renewed purpose now. I look at our kids with giddy happiness and am so freaking excited to be their mom.

What an incredible FAMILY vacation.