Yep, it's true. But what I learned through that process was invaluable. Faced with "not wanting" this pregnancy - I was suddenly thrown into turmoil at the beginning when I found myself diagnosed with a subchronic hemorrhage. I had expected to be saying goodbye to a little one when I went in for an early ultrasound but was shocked to see a tiny, perfectly developed little person! Over the next month, bleeding was intensely scary. It wasn't predictable and I was at war with myself - I said I was done but did that mean I couldn't feel sadness if I were facing loss? What a head trip.
Next knock to this journey? Pubic symphysis dysfunction . HOLY PAIN BATMAN. I have a very high pain tolerance but mostly how I deal with pain is movement. What do you do when you can't move without pain? Go mentally insane. It took me about 3 months, a shit ton of tears, a devastating limitation on my family vacation and a couple books on physiology to find what was triggering my pain and how to help myself. Never to be the victim, I felt victorious and was able to end my pregnancy confident that I would be ok.
My last month of pregnancy really was excellent. I felt better than I had in months and I had done so much emotionally hard work to find myself at a fairly peaceful place. I engaged with my kiddos in ways that were meaningful and fun. We all needed a large dose of FUN! This is the last picture I have of the adventures we enjoyed together in my last week being a mom of 5....
My due date came and went without much notice.... Thursday morning (like 1 am) I was woken with a strange crampy pattern that got me out of bed. I didn't want to be alone so I asked Damon to get up and walk with me. Things fizzled after a couple hours and we tucked back into bed peacefully. Thursday continued without much fuss. In fact, nothing happened at all. Damon stayed close with his uncanny ability to know things are brewing and I felt like the watched pot that would never boil. I tucked into bed early Thursday evening and was sound asleep by 9 pm. Just before 11 pm, I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Thinking the end of pregnancy was unpredictable, I put on some meditation music and drew a warm bath for myself. Within 30 minutes I not only was stuck in the bath, I knew I was in transition. At 1230am on Friday, September 30th, just 10-15 minutes after our midwife had arrived, our little one decided to make an appearance! We didn't know the gender for sure but it was with joy we looked down and welcomed a beautiful daughter!
After a couple days several things became clear - this girl was different so she needed a name that matched her - Adelene Kate! and she was struggling, In a miraculous turn of events, we were able to get her in to a specialist for a double frenectomy at just 5 days old. This was the two of us just before leaving for that appointment..
But our struggles were not over there. Without verbally up-chucking all our woes - let's just say it's been an intense 5 weeks. Like all our children, I don't claim to have any understanding of them in the beginning. I believe firmly that even from birth they are their own people and we need to learn about their needs. This is no different.
Unexpectedly, Adelene's feeding issues are similar to Anaius (yep, lightning CAN strike twice) and what our home wasn't prepared for was the PTSD reaction that I would have. It's rocky folks. We are all struggling because I am struggling.
For now, I simply know that she was meant for our home and any feelings of "I don't want this last baby" are completely resolved as I've pushed through countless hours trying to help her grow, as I have fallen to my knees and prayed for her strength, as I have felt humility in new ways - she is absolutely cherished and wanted in this home.
Here's a peak at this beautiful girl of ours for those family members who haven't seen her on facebook!
*** this blog was written a week ago and somehow I forgot to post it! ***
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