“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”
— Albert Schweitzer
It was a difficult day. In fact, it's been a difficult week. Challenges of finding our balance of getting milk from me to our little man is faced with all manner of emotion. It's also been a great week. I've gone out to a knit night with two ladies who sustain my sanity by being amazing friends and walked my kids to the park for some much needed sunshine, fresh air and laughter.
Today, someone took it upon themselves to spend less than one hour with us and decided that I was so severely depressed and our son was too orally challenged to have any hope. While this is not news to anyone on facebook, I've pondered how I felt about this assessment for the rest of my day.
Today, someone took it upon themselves to spend less than one hour with us and decided that I was so severely depressed and our son was too orally challenged to have any hope. While this is not news to anyone on facebook, I've pondered how I felt about this assessment for the rest of my day.
Was I depressed?
Hmm.. That's an interesting question. If we are going to define depression with honest admission of the intensity of emotion that comes with the mountain I'm climbing - then sure, call me depressed. I'll gladly take on that title if you define it as the expression of ALL emotion.
I think we have misunderstood the reality that is the human emotional playing field. It is my genuine belief that so many of us are trying to numb out all negative emotion without realizing there is NO SELECTIVE NUMBING. You cannot cancel out all the shitty days and only have sunshine and rainbows. If by somehow admitting to this person that I felt a deep sense of mourning for the loss of my personal expectation of a breastfeeding experience gives them some belief I'm depressed, have at it.
Let me tell you about my JOY.
Anaius is absolutely peaceful. In fact, I think as a family we gravitate to this little man because he just seems to exude calm. To hold him is to still a part of the busy world around us and just want to be.
Our children are so amazing. In this journey, they have faced many baby sitters, moved around appointments, missed some regularly scheduled events and guess what? They amaze me. As I sat in my basement, feeding my little guy and listening to my 6 year old do her reading/school assignment, my heart just swelled with intense love that all of my children chose to be in the same space.
We had pandora playing in the background, Declan was "fighting" with his cars, he's into making them crash a lot these days. Daunika was drawing in her notebook because her current ambission is to become a clothing designer. Kalani was making a mess of the wooden puzzles because she's a two year old. We were together.
Let me tell you about my JOY.
Anaius is absolutely peaceful. In fact, I think as a family we gravitate to this little man because he just seems to exude calm. To hold him is to still a part of the busy world around us and just want to be.
Our children are so amazing. In this journey, they have faced many baby sitters, moved around appointments, missed some regularly scheduled events and guess what? They amaze me. As I sat in my basement, feeding my little guy and listening to my 6 year old do her reading/school assignment, my heart just swelled with intense love that all of my children chose to be in the same space.
We had pandora playing in the background, Declan was "fighting" with his cars, he's into making them crash a lot these days. Daunika was drawing in her notebook because her current ambission is to become a clothing designer. Kalani was making a mess of the wooden puzzles because she's a two year old. We were together.
My husband asked me to join him on a date sometime this month. Just us, and our newborn. I loved that. In all this transition, we are not forgetting us. This man is my rock. He is solid when I need a steady place to lean. He listens.
I have grown closer to my savior, Jesus Christ, through this trial. I've enjoyed the "feeling stuck" to read in my scriptures more. I feel uplifted and truly awed by my growth. In the most timely fashion, one of our households favorite events came too. General Conference. A time to listen to counsel and thoughts from leaders from our chosen church. I love that this "forced" slow down has allowed me time to listen to some of the talks a few times and take notes.
Guess what else? I'm building the worlds longest list of people I want to return the blessings to. If you asked me about my family that lived in the valley, I'd name two people - my brother and sister. While they are amazing, that would be a pretty small family. What I have realized over the last year is my family is far greater and bigger than I could have imagined. People who drop by with a gallon of milk and a hug, just because. The friends who have come in and cleaned so I could take a NAP! The amazing women who have just listened. They didn't seek to push or sway me from where I was at, they just held a sacred and special place for me to talk through all of what I was experiencing.
My family is huge folks!
So, circle back around to this crappy beginning of the day... Ya know, it feels REAL to start the day in a bad place. I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt to hear someone so quickly sum up our situation and give negative feedback. Perhaps I didn't tell her enough of our joys, our awesome moments. Perhaps, she didn't realize I'm an expert mountain climber.
It seems fitting to have some bad days. You know why? Because these moments that are so intensely crappy are never over cast on my blessings.
I will not pretend not to have bad days to make other people more comfortable. Darlings, I will choose all emotions because they don't run your life - they are. When emotions arrive, let them be. It's OK to sit with sadness and not invite it to stay for dinner. It's OK to feel loss, it's OK to mourn. That doesn't mean you give up. I welcome the chance to FEEL. It is one of those beautiful reminders that I am alive and well.
And when those emotions that are less than warm fuzzy feelings arrive, when you feel like you aren't sure how to re-kindle your own flame - It is absolutely OK to ask others to remind you. To share in their warmth and glow of their fire as you find your own footing again.
Many of you have shared your light with me as I have felt weary this month. Thank you for sparking my candle to glow again. I promise with every fiber of my being, I would do the same for you. This is the way family truly works!
Guess what else? I'm building the worlds longest list of people I want to return the blessings to. If you asked me about my family that lived in the valley, I'd name two people - my brother and sister. While they are amazing, that would be a pretty small family. What I have realized over the last year is my family is far greater and bigger than I could have imagined. People who drop by with a gallon of milk and a hug, just because. The friends who have come in and cleaned so I could take a NAP! The amazing women who have just listened. They didn't seek to push or sway me from where I was at, they just held a sacred and special place for me to talk through all of what I was experiencing.
My family is huge folks!
So, circle back around to this crappy beginning of the day... Ya know, it feels REAL to start the day in a bad place. I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt to hear someone so quickly sum up our situation and give negative feedback. Perhaps I didn't tell her enough of our joys, our awesome moments. Perhaps, she didn't realize I'm an expert mountain climber.
It seems fitting to have some bad days. You know why? Because these moments that are so intensely crappy are never over cast on my blessings.
I will not pretend not to have bad days to make other people more comfortable. Darlings, I will choose all emotions because they don't run your life - they are. When emotions arrive, let them be. It's OK to sit with sadness and not invite it to stay for dinner. It's OK to feel loss, it's OK to mourn. That doesn't mean you give up. I welcome the chance to FEEL. It is one of those beautiful reminders that I am alive and well.
And when those emotions that are less than warm fuzzy feelings arrive, when you feel like you aren't sure how to re-kindle your own flame - It is absolutely OK to ask others to remind you. To share in their warmth and glow of their fire as you find your own footing again.
Many of you have shared your light with me as I have felt weary this month. Thank you for sparking my candle to glow again. I promise with every fiber of my being, I would do the same for you. This is the way family truly works!
Deep gratitude for my family is all I can feel right now.
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