Camping season has begun!

Our camping season has begun with a BANG! 

Can I just say it: I adore camping. I really really do. It is our chance to slow down, relax, explore and play. This camping season for us started last weekend. Damon is working about 2.5 hours away from our home with some stellar clients and we were talking all about lodging options when I stumbled across camping nearby!

Last weekend we explored completely unknown to us areas of Idaho: Lake Walcott.... and last weekend it was freezing. Literally, it hailed/sleet/rain/slush mixed all night long with crazy winds!

Here's some quick snaps from last weekend:

Our campsite was tucked in the trees with no one around and water to enjoy listening to as we rested. It was awesome. There was plenty of paved trails and the kids spent hours on their bikes going all over. 

And while it's not AT ALL my preference to camp at "paid and maintained" campsites - at least we had toilets and the kids loved the playground within walking distance!

Lots of fun was had.... but we were cold most of the first weekend.

This is my favorite photo of us the first weekend!! 

Our second weekend at Lake Walcott was completely the opposite. Instead of 55*/35* and windy, it was 80*/50* and AMAZING!!!!!!!! 

The water was so peaceful and beautiful. I loved sitting next to the water and playing cards with the kids. Farkle flip, yhatzee, skip bo... on and on :)

And the best part? At 7 pm every night, we picked up this gorgeous man. 

And this little guy... He was a crazy loon the whole time. 

He spent both weekends like this:

While the other kids did this: 

And... In case you were curious, I will be CAMPING for 17 of the 30 days this month. 

BRING ON THE CAMPING !!!!!!!!!!!! 

If you give Macy a cookie....

Friends, I'm a natural born gypsy. I prefer to wonder where the breeze blows me and not commit to staying any one place too long. Imagine my surprise when my heart turned toward planting roots and staying last year as I longed to buy a home of my very own.... and it happened! None of this to news to any of you lovely folks following my blog but sometimes it sneaks up on me as a surprise still, especially since I purchased a home that I was renting!

Well, that gypsy personality is still here, loud and clear ringing in my head... but not in the ways you might think. No, I have no desire to move. Buying a home was a killer process that kept me from many nights of sleeping, I'm not likely to want to do that again for another couple decades. Instead, my gypsy soul was best described by a dear friend and confirmed completely by my husband : I am EXACTLY like the books "If you give a mouse a cookie (moose a muffin, pig a pancake, etc)... Like, literally, that so perfectly fits me I could try to deny it but every one around me would roll their eyes and laugh knowing all too well that I'm stellar at not planning anything but instead, I can roll with anything that comes at me. Blessing and a curse I promise you! 

Here's a stellar example - A couple years ago, I was thinking about self sufficiency. I was thinking how self reliance mattered to me and pondering if I was doing "all I could do" with the resources I had... so that lovely question lead me to reading many books on self reliance and homesteading on small properties. And reading about homesteading lead me to learn about tiny livestock options for the back yard homestead. Reading those books lead me to learning about goats. Learning about goats lead me to searching, and searching lead me to "go look at some goats" (to which my husband said "if you are just going to look, why do you have the trailer attached to your vehicle?!"... uhhh....) And that "looking" ended up with two amazing goats in the back of my trailer for a few days while we set up fencing, built a shelter, all in the middle of winter and our well froze over in the middle of all that............. yea. Well, I am getting better about planning but it's NOT my strong suit at all. 

Owning this home is no exception to my whimsical and wondering thoughts and desires. I want to knock down walls, renovate the kitchen, add a bathroom, get a concrete pad out by the shop, grow some grass to play in, plant more fruit trees.... yadda yadda yadda. My poor husband works endless hours toward our personal and professional goals and I worry that sometimes all I display is my discontent with what I have in front of my eyes. Yes, I'm the master at introspective thoughts in hindsight! So, this lovely little dialog is to bring me to our recent "macy was given a cookie" project! 

I forgot to take a true "before" picture. Our mailbox was a sad sorry sight. That rusted thing looks like it had been hit by a car then pounded back out with a hammer to continue to use it! The lovely thing on the left is our new mailbox... but really, we have a white house, more white might be a bit too boring for a home that was mine, don't you agree?

So we set to work... 

And we were completely serious. We're professionals at fixing houses... We told the kids NO messing around. No jokes. No laughter..... HA! Totally joking. We had a blast and let them truly "do it yourself" because it's their home too!

And this is what we came up with....

And because I'm miffed that I don't have a before picture... Here's the before picture for the up and coming project!

Yes, I am painting that boring white door YELLOW too! And the tan surrounding it? It's going deep blue. And that deep blue is going on shutters around the windows. .... and well, I'm sure I'll come up with something to put in those empty pots. And and and.......

We are going to have some stellar changes in this house, I promise. What exactly? I have no idea, I'm about as great as planning as you would expect a 2 year old to be. Isn't it lovely that my husband is the exact opposite? He's saved the house from me tearing it apart and being overwhelmed with his thorough planning... sigh. Smart man, I'm sure... patient too to live with me. 

Many more blogs to come as I get wild hairs to tear apart and beautify this home of mine!

Survival Instincts

Today sucked. 

I wish I could open with something better for this blog update, but really, I'm just tired and weary tonight. That's OK. Tomorrow is a new day! 

Last night I went out with friends. As midnight came and went as we enjoyed junk food from IHOP, we laughed and cried and laughed some more. None of us facing exactly the same challenge. None of us asking each other to put the best foot forward, we just sat together in empathy and true friendship. It was so uplifting...

But alas, a great night out cannot undo the built up stress of late. So today, I feel crappy.
Dumb.

This week when I was at the temple with my husband, I was pondering our survival instincts. Ya know, those ones that naturally kick in without you actively thinking about them? Yea. Those ones. Push turn to shove - we absolutely have them in our home. When we're crunched and stressed and just feeling blah.

I realized, when the world seems like a cold and dreary place - we circle the wagons! 

Sometimes I refer to myself as a ostrich. I've had to make several very important calls this week. Some financial mountains had to be scaled. Some routine things. Some new and exciting things. That's a lot to face in a week!

Often times our circling the wagons comes out as play. We want to hide from the world and just absorb all that is good within our walls.

We also set goals when we're stressed. 

Or do things that likely make our neighbors think we are completely insane. 

We celebrate the little things, because they are big things to us. 

We take naps, read books and snuggle with our favorite people!

and the routine things seem like great accomplishments!

And sometimes, routine appointments lead to fun new glasses!

Laughter cures all woes 

And the simple homemaking tasks can make you smile with pride. 

And sometimes, you just have to get outside in the sunshine and get dirty!

Besides, when you're outside at our place, you have these funny little animals follow you around. 

And then, there is the "I have no idea what to do either, let's play cards" 

Or a board game... one that Lani hasn't lost all the pieces to

When we're crunched, sometimes it helps to grow some ways that are unexpected.

I can't say I have any answers to some of the things keeping me up at night, but I can say I feel like I have everything I need. Support networks, outlets for emotions, and a healthy strong marriage that keeps me sane when I want to cry or rage about the injustice I see in the world.

It's been a crappy day but I knew flipping through our photos of the last 60 days, I'd find myself releasing stress and reminded of all the joys in my life.

Stellar way to end a crappy day. Perhaps it's not crappy after all. 

The view from up here.

I cannot believe it's been MONTHS since my last blog post. 

I have a confession to make - I fell into a pretty crappy place of being over the last couple months. Guess what else? I am no longer there and I completely forgive myself. 

If you've read my blog ever you would know I'm working on forgiving myself and I was climbing a mountain for the last 5 months. Well, let me tell you folks, we made it. WE FREAKING MADE IT. 

No more therapies. No more specialists. No more pumping. No more keep-your-phone-on-you-because-it-has-your-pump-alarm. No more stress.

Here's the thing though, I had to truly humble my expectations before life changed for us. 

There is so much I could say about this subject but at the core - I learned a lot.

Fundamentally, I learned that it didn't matter if I spent my year like this: 

Or like this:

I mattered as his mother either way.
HE mattered as my child either way. He was perfect in my eyes. Absolutely perfect.

I could say so very much. I could talk about the tears, the fears, the courage to try nursing again after burn out. I could give lengthy details about our oral reflex and strength training routines. I could cite the muscles he learned to use in his tongue or the sequence needed to correct his torticollis. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Our mother-baby dynamic is not measured by this one fact alone and when I accepted that, the Lord extended me a tender mercy.

This view from the top of our mountain climbing experience has humbled me. I have a profoundly deep respect for creation and how perfect each one of us is just as we are. I have learned to rely on the Lord for strength when my path was uncertain and learned to truly pray for the first time in my life selflessly.

The view from the top is glorious. 

My climbing buddy is pretty cute too :)

Christmas 2014

I have celebrated 27 Christmas's in my life. This year marks the 13th with my husband (we missed one due to my stubborn life crisis as a teen) and I felt so many many emotions this morning. Yesterday my family hosted "Christmas Dinner" with my siblings, their awesome children, spouses, and even my birth mother was there. It was a special kind of deep pain to feel the emptiness of my Mom not being there. I hadn't really thought about it until all of us were sitting around the table, our plates loaded with food and I asked a really simple question - what's a favorite Christmas memory everyone has? Then grief came deep, swift and leaving me mourning. Food tasted like shit after that. I didn't even know it was possible to ruin cheesecake but let me tell you, it is possible and grieving is the unsettling emotion that can do it. 

But it's not all bad - my favorite Christmas memories surround WRAPPING! My mom would tell the same story every year about her job at a local toy store in Nampa Idaho in the 1950s. She was hired during the Christmas season to wrap gifts for customers. That story was always told when she was surrounded by a million gifts for my siblings, that she always hid in the trunk of her car, and she taught me how to make a package beautiful. This year as I wrapped presents for my babies, that I had hid in the trunk of my car, I felt myself tear up as I wished she could know how grateful I am for her legacy. Though this is the second Christmas without my mom, it is the first one I felt it. Last year I was too close to everything to process. I was on auto-pilot, I had just planned my first funeral. This year, I let the emotion in and experienced it. I feel overwhelming joy for the life I have and while this sadness was present, I did not invite it to stay, I had too much happiness going on! And, I got the stellar perk of cuddling Anaius - our rainbow baby after our lost little, and reminded that I found out I was expecting him on Christmas last year! 

Here's what Christmas morning looked like in our house:

(4 of the 5 looking and smiling? A Christmas miracle indeed!)

Ya know those people that get around and complain about their mother in laws? I cannot do that. My mother in law is fabulous! Our kiddos are loving their new Christmas Jammies compliments of my lovely MIL. It's adorable to watch them open them and mad-dash to put them on as fast as possible. So fun. This is a tradition many families, including my husbands family, does every year. I hadn't heard of it though until I had my own kiddos and my MIL sent jammies <3 

All around, a fabulous morning. In our home, we start with someone opening a gift and then they pick the next to give to someone, and that person opens then picks a next for another... it is fun to watch the kiddos want their siblings to get more gifts. 

One of the perks? Since yesterday was the big dinner, I didn't slave in the kitchen today! Left overs rock. Ham, garlic and cheddar potatoes and pie? Yep, pretty much amazing.

And a crock pot with hot cider, cinnamon and cloves in it? Oh. My house smells like heaven and I've been sipping this fabulousness all day!

Tonight we plan on laying tile in our bathroom to almost wrap up what's left of our remodel (blog to come on that fun!!) but one of the activities we will do that I'm super excited about it make candy nativity scenes. The kids are thrilled and I think it helps them remember the reason our family celebrates Christmas. I am so grateful for today.

I am wishing everyone a beautiful, blessed, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! 

December's beginnings.... kicking off the Xmas Season!

We have a tradition in my home that really kicks off the Christmas season for all of us. Thanksgiving weekend our family attends the Boise Festival of Trees! It's really a fun time we all look forward to. This year we decided to make a whole day of it. We had a slow start to our black-Friday morning and then set out to hit the FOT first. We enjoyed several hours of admiring trees, watching performances on stage and doing a scavenger hunt. We all worked up an appetite and decided to grab tacos before surprising our kiddos with taking them to a 7 pm movie in the theater! We saw "The Boxtrolls". It was a cute movie and enjoyed by all. 

We picked up a Christmas tree in town this year. Our 4-wheel drive on our Betty is broken, Anaius is tiny, I'm glued to a pump. I was just too exhausted to commit to hunting for a tree in the mountains this year. I hope to do it again next year! 

Our kids have been enjoying dance classes on Tuesday mornings for the last three months. It's been a fun time for them to do something "just for big kids" because so much of my time is very busy with Anaius. Here's some quick snap shots of their lessons. 

Another fun fact : We have TWO kiddos who can sing "All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" this year!

We also ventured out on an awesome "field trip" with a home school group and watched "Nutcracker Jr" ballet. It was an hour long and Daunika is begging to go to the full version next year. She LOVED it. We all had a good time and it was long enough to feel worth it, but not long enough that anyone in our young crew got restless. They also got to check out the costumes before the performance. Perfect :) 

One of the best parts of this December was our family going to the Boise Temple to be sealed for time and all eternity! It was a special day for us. We felt so loved and supported by those of our friends that came to witness our deeply personal ordinance. It was a beautiful day indeed! 

I have no words for how amazing it is to call this family mine.

And it wouldn't be mid-December without Kalani's birthday!!! I cannot believe this little spitfire tot of mine is THREE. She is such a joy. There is always laughter in her eyes as if she's clued into a joke I can't hear.

What a wonderful first half of the month it's been! 

Three months and still mountain climbing.

I absolutely love referring to our adventures in feeding Anaius as mountain climbing. Someone asked me a couple weeks ago why label it with something so hard... and I got to thinking about that. I don't think mountain climbing is that hard? Can I do it today? Heck no. But I think it takes a team effort, you cultivate skills to manage the climb, and then you work diligently toward your goal... You do not sit at the bottom of Mount Everest and decide you're just going to have a casual Sunday stroll up it. I've looked at this journey like mountain climbing because I have had to assemble a team. I've had to learn to skills and facilitate an environment that my son can learn new skills too. Diligently striving forward.

We break up our routine into multiple sections - feeding, pumping, torticollis, and alertness/weight gain. Sounds complex but it's really not. It's just the four categories we seem to measure his progress in right now. Anaius doesn't cry. If he's hungry, he will just give up and go back to sleep. A baby who doesn't cry? Sounds amazing right? Well, kind of. Yes, we love his peaceful nature but watching his cues is very different from our other four kiddos.

So, for feeding - we have to provoke him, often, to remind him that food is a good thing. Silly little man would be content to be worn on me all day and sleep to death. OYE! He is such a peaceful spirit.

But there are so many funny things about him. He has all this gorgeous hair right? Well, instead of losing hair in the back of his head, he's got BABY DREADS!! 

Anaius has decided to take his physical therapy into his own hands. He has right sided torticollis and that means his head almost always looks toward the right. We consistently work with him to encourage him to look left..... Well, our little man has found a love for his LEFT thumb!!! WOOT! He has made huge improvement in the last month simply because of this one fact. It's amazing. I'm so happy for him! 

If you've ever had a baby struggle to gain weight, I'm sure you can understand how very awesome it is that Anaius has grown so much that he's far outgrown his 3 month clothing (and maintains a really cute double chin!)

I'm just so incredibly blessed to have this little man as my child. This experience has taught me more patience, advocacy, compassion for others, and more love for all my children than I knew I had in me.

This little soul is such a wonderful one. 

Our goals this month are to continue physical therapy, begin-again speech/feeding therapy. Continue with cranial sacral therapy and enjoy just being a family. As Anaius has begun to giggle with the kids, they are enjoying connecting with him and all look forward to playing! I expect to continue the every-two-hour-with-out-fail pumping schedule until he can master nursing on both sides. Until then, he won't want for milk at all in this home.

I am committed, one day at a time, to stay in tune with what we all need. It's a really fabulous mountain we're climbing! 

Onward, upward.