Orphan

I have been on a journey... many sleepless nights, moments running as fast as I can to burn off the negative, many times spent praying because.. well.. because. I'm pretty sure this journey is nothing more than my life.

In the year has been an amazing one. We've moved, added a family member, lost family members, stepped up, stepped back, took workshops, committed to discipline, worked hard, laughed a lot, cried a good amount, and generally grew. As I sit here this morning with my second daughter and sing E-I-E-I-O, I'm humbled. What I realize is my dreams for her are pretty much never to become the woman I am sitting here today. Strange, but true.

I am an orphan. Ok, so let's take a step back - because just jumping in hurts like a punching a freshly broken arm! This year as we've grown and lost, the same reoccurring theme comes to mind - Belonging. This isn't something small, it's not about fitting in. It's a place your soul, your being, your heart calls home. It's faith, deep, meaningful space that consumes and fills and recharges the worn and battered moments. I am no stranger to this concept being elusive.

A few months ago I was enlightened to look at The Heros Journey anew. It wasn't something I hadn't heard before - but this time it was speaking straight to me. One of the best things I read this year on this topic I won't try to summarize - it can be found Empathy & The Heros Journey.

Well, back to this I'm an Orphan statement - that is my archetype I battle as I sit here, in a warm home, my family around, and it threatens to strangle me. I think most people believe I'm one of those super human strong idiots that doesn't allow life to phase them. It's not really true - I actually have a heart and a soul and this journey is mine. There is a difference between feeling and falling apart. I'm walking that line with courage today, and everyday.

When you grow up knowing you were an unwanted child, it does something to your being. You calculate your moves as to not upset someone because they might leave. You 'shop' for new lives, new parents, new families that you might fit in. It's not something I knew I was actively doing, but in hind sight - absolutely. It's really not that sad and I'm not whining about it now... More so, I'm trying to learn how being childlike, vulerable and courageous all fit into my adult life.

Since I grew up family-less, something deep inside of me stirs when you bring up providing a family for my children. I want them to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Somewhere etched in their being as 'belonging' and 'home'. That unconditional space (that will never be perfect but it exists and is theirs!) that will fill their memories for generations to come... I want them to have what I didn't in essence? Perhaps. Well, here's the truth - finding your family as an adult can be hard, gut wrenching, soul shaking, vulnerable scary work. When you find out people don't want you, it's personal. It's not a global statement - it's a deep and personal wound that I have had the courage to stand up again from.

Who remains? Well, I'm certain over the last year there has been speculation, gossip and conversation. Well meaning strangers who ask about so and so, interested-yet-not-willing-to-bluntly-ask women who ask another person instead of asking me directly but while I stood in the same room... etc. Being inspired this weekend listening to general conference, I knew several things were clear and I was going to do my best to end all gossip. So those who inquire - in the recent years my perception of family consisted of another family in my mind. It's over, so please stop wondering. It was a choice by them to decide (me in particular) didn't fit in their family (loosely defined, family = something that sticks despite challenges, something you actively maintain by effort) and I am still standing strong. However, please don't gossip, pretend it didn't hurt and that it isn't still a logistical challenge of making sure my children never cross paths with theirs because the last thing I want is my children to be told their evil too. So things like avoiding swimming pools they wanted to see, frequenting a different library, etc all are a part of their reality now.

With compassion, strength and courage, I start again. It's OK! Don't spread like wild fire that there is a clear good and bad in this situation. We're just a family that didn't fit with anothers, and me in particular still an orphan who refuses to give up hope. I'm not implying it's not hard, but hard things are not new and do not shatter the whole world for me. Yes, I've been sad. Deep, soul searching, gut wrenching sadness that slices straight to the core and doubt creeps in again to say 'yet again, you weren't good enough to build a family with'. It's not a new feeling, but unlike a childhood mentality - I know different! So, fuck off false thinking :)

Here's the one fact that remains - I belong. While I am uncertain where, I know I do because it's a part of me. I'm done fitting in. I'm sorry if that sucks for those reading this, but I can't shrink, grow, or be forced into religious, social, or socioeconomic status to 'belong' with others. I cannot exactly explain the feeling of belonging I've come to understand but the very same person who hates me once freed me with a simple "It's Christs church" statement.

So what the heck does this Orphan archetype and Hero's Journey and JESUS have to do with me?! 

Holy heck - it's good. Stick around for for part 2 (which will have to come some other day, life calls!)